My sister married a great guy 9 years ago when they were both fresh out of Law School and after having dated for 3 years. Everyone thought they were a match made in heaven. She was crazy about him and he worshipped her. A few years into their marriage birth control failed them and she fell pregnant. The day she found out was the day she made an appointment at an abortion clinic because her career was just starting to take off and she didn’t want to let anything get in the way of that. Her husband and both families begged her not to abort promising her she’d feel differently once the baby was born and she continued the pregnancy being incredibly resentful towards everyone. Three weeks after their beautiful baby girl was born she was ready to walk out on them but once again he begged her to stay promising to get a live a live-in nanny and suggesting individual and couples counseling which she took him up on. She simply found it intolerable to be around her daughter even though the girl adored her and after 4.5 years of therapy called it quits and filed for divorce leaving her husband and daughter devastated. She’s now got a great job and boyfriend, acting like her kid and ex-husband never existed. She’s not suffering from post-partum depression as she went to see a doctor about the possibility before they started therapy and she got a clean bill of health. I spend as much time as I can with my niece but it’s so heartbreaking to have that sweet little angel ask me why her mommy doesn’t love her anymore and if she did something to make her leave, whenever I come see her. I have no idea what to tell her so I usually just change the topic but eventually she’s going to need answers. How do you explain to a 5 yr old that her mom just doesn’t want to be part of her life?
2007-09-12 04:20:51 · 47 answers · asked by Anonymous in Society & Culture ➔ Religion & Spirituality
That. Royally. Sucks.
Some people aren't cut out to be parents and there is no easy answer for that situation.
The most reasonable suggestion is to be there and support your niece. Eventually, you will have to tell her what happened and she will either come to her own understanding of what happened or she won't.
It's a crap shoot, but you don't have much in the way of choice.
Wish it was different. Kids don't deserve the grief they get from parents. They're so much better than us.
2007-09-12 04:24:41 · answer #1 · answered by Rusty Knight 2 · 9⤊ 0⤋
I understand where this question comes from, you see a lot of sadness and regret from everyone around you that you love.
Asking this question isn't going to make the feeling go away.
I understood that your sister was married when she got pregnant, when you're married, having an abortion is no longer a single act...it has to be considered with your husband, it's a choice the couple has to agree to. It's unfortunate that your sister's motherly instinct didn't kick in, and it might never will.
If she gets pregnant again and decides to abort, again it will be the couple's decision and the family shouldn't intervene in the future. That way, whatever guilt, regret, or remorse will be solely on your sister's and her boyfriend's shoulders...that is who should carry the burden of their actions.
As for you and your family, looking back is the wrong thing to do. You have a beautiful little girl starved for love and affection. Looking back really prevents any of you with coping with what your niece needs at this time. I hope you can stop thinking if abortion would have been the right choice, because it's too late to change anything. Next time, just stay out of it if this same decision comes along again in the future. I have a feeling that you're not the only member in the family that feels this pain and has asked introspectively this same question.
You couldn't have possibly known how your sister would have reacted, but you knew the end result, that you'd have a child in the family...wasn't that what the family wanted all along? Forget about, "what ifs," make sure this child feels wanted by everyone, she will definitely be missing her mom forever and will need counseling at some point in her life for this loss.
2007-09-12 04:54:03 · answer #2 · answered by CurlySue 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Hi....The only reasons that I have for an abortion if it concerns a severe health problem or the individual had been raped or something seriously wrong with the fetus itself. Other than those reasons I don't approve. Life is a miracle and is one of God's creations.It's a shame that the mother feels this way towards her child. Evidently she wasn't ready in having this child but the child does have a loving father and grandparents to support her. Hopefully within time the mother will see what she is doing to this child and change her ways however she doesn't want to wait too long. Children can sense behavior and attitudes towards them and of others so this mother needs to be aware of what could happen when this child becomes older. Resentment could take place. She definitely needs some counseling and I hate to say this but she might possibly be on the selfish side. She's thinking of her needs more than the child. God Bless and take care of that darling little niece.
2007-09-19 05:23:00 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
The mother was a selfish loser, but it sounds like the girl has a supportive dad and extended family. She got a chance at life, and her mom wanted no part of that ... it's her mom's loss. The only thing the rest of you can do is make the girl feel loved, and it sounds like you're doing a good job.
No, I'm sorry, but abortion is hardly ever the answer. This is where I part company with a lot of my non-believer brethren. Why should the child be punished for the mom's stupidity?
I was born to a useless mother (drug abuser, physically abused me). A lot of people would probably have said she wasn't fit to be a mother and should have aborted. They may have been right. But then I never would have had a chance to live, laugh, learn, see beautiful sunsets, get a good job, or fall in love with and marry the greatest woman in the world. Instead, I would have suffered and died a violent death because of my mother's stupidity.
I got a chance at life because I was adopted away. And adoption is almost ALWAYS a viable option. It's certainly better, more compassionate, and less violent than abortion. And if a child has a loving biological family -- which it seems this little girl does -- all the better.
2007-09-12 04:52:58 · answer #4 · answered by Cap'n Zeemboo 3 · 2⤊ 1⤋
That is one of the saddest stories I've heard, but it is one that has happened many time before. More commonly you see the male walk away heartlessly like that. Your sister's mother instinct is about non-existent.
The child will suffer sorrow and pain as the result of this very egocentric and selfish behavior, but you as a loving Aunt and others can help this child overcome that to some degree - the more love the better.
I think you sister might have a genetic defect which could have done away with the natural mother instinct. the same way men sometimes don't have a father instinct. It could also be a willful and selfish choice of grandeur (which is false) or money... or both.
Either way, some day your sister may very well come to deep regret.
In the meantime, help the child know YOU love her and that sometimes mommies have to learn to grow up before they can have a wonderful child like her in their life.
It's time to move ahead and let your sister alone about it. Pushing her won't help.
I'm so sorry for you to go through this. I neither condone nor condemn the abortion idea because I feel every person must search their own heart about it.
Those of you who stopped her from it now should do your best to help the child. It is not too late to help either one of them, but some professional advice from all sources such as ministers, counselors and doctors should be sought.
2007-09-12 04:35:20 · answer #5 · answered by Holly Carmichael 4 · 4⤊ 0⤋
As the father of a nine month old, that breaks my heart. I don't think that an abortion would've been the answer either. It is sad in this culture today that the ultimate achievement is in net worth and material things, when it should be in the freinds, family, and love you experience in this short life. My answer, like others have said on here, is that this little girl's life doesn't have to be bad just because of her mother's actions. With people like yourself, her father, and other family she can still be loved and cared for just the same, and become a responsible caring adult like the ones she was raised by.
Just as a disclaimer, I'm not a religious person. I am personally against abortion, but don't think that it's the governments business to tell people what to do with their bodies.
2007-09-19 17:57:21 · answer #6 · answered by nukecat25 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
hmmm. thats very sad... i wouldnt usually say an abortion after 3 yrs of marriage is ok, unless the woman was raped by another man....abortion shouldnt be for ppl who are grown responsible adults, have a stable life, but just dont want a child..... i hate to hear that a mother could turn away from her own child.... but if youre asking if an abortion would have been the best option for this baby, i would say no... im sure herfather is more than thrilled to have her....she seems to have a lot of love and support from the ppl that love her..... but youre right... one day, someone will have to give her a real answer...when she is a lil older, and is able to comprehend things better, just tell her that her momy does love her, but mommy just has a few things she needs to work out... and that the problem isnt with her, but with mommy. and every time you turn around tell the child how great she is and special, and how much she has loved... she needs to be built up... i think if everyone else around her gives herplenty oflove and attention, she will be just fine.
2007-09-12 04:27:27 · answer #7 · answered by heather b 5 · 3⤊ 0⤋
Sorry, no abortion! The child is not at fault, it's the parents. I would more easily support homicide for the mother and/or father than murder for the child. I think the mother is a very sick, abnormal person as this is not a normal reaction for a woman when she has a child. I don't think it was a good marriage between your sister and her husband or they would not be separated now. A child is the product of a couple. If there is love between the couple there is love for the child. The best thing a man can do for his children is to love their mother. I do think your sister is a very selfish, inconsiderate and non-caring person that I would never want to be around. I would tell the child about her mother's mental illness and that she decided it would be best to let someone else love her and care for her.
2007-09-20 03:31:27 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋
This is just my opinion, but first and foremost I support a woman's right to choose. That said, she chose to have a child, which is fine, but walking out on your child is disgraceful.
Oftentimes we look at things in retrospect, saying if she did this, this would have happened, or not...my point is, it doesn't matter. What's happened has happened. There is a beautiful little girl here now, and that is something you are lucky enough to have a family that loves her. I'd talk it over with her dad, and try to give her the most age appropriate answer you can give her that will be most conductive to her living an emotionally stable life. I would try not to bad mouth her biological mother because you are angry with her.
He may meet a wonderful woman that DOES want to be a mom to this little girl...you never know why things happen the way they do. The point is she is here now and you and your family can support her.
2007-09-12 05:27:44 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Yes, the mother should be aborted.
This is not a "support abortion" question. No one can see the future or know how someone will or will not feel for sure 5 years from now.
The child is born. She is a person now; discussing whether they made the right decision 6 years ago is disrespectful to her.
ADD: Tell her that her dad and auntie love her. Tell her that her Gma and Gpa love her.
She is 5; someone TAUGHT her to wonder where her mother is. De-emphasize the importance of a mother and she will learn to love the people who have chosen to be in her life.
If the mother discovered she was not happy being a mother LET HER. Trying to GUILT anyone into loving someone in ways that they do not want to is unhealthy and counterproductive.
Also, be ready to SUPPORT her attempts later if she changes her mind and wants to try again. Harboring resentment is not a good example to a beautiful young girl to learn from the auntie she loves.
2007-09-12 04:30:56 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 11⤊ 1⤋
Please give your niece a hug for me. Yes, one day she will need answers. How to give them no one knows. That will be for her dad. If she ask you just tell her the truth, YOU DO NOT KNOW, but what matters most is the people that are her now love her. Your not in your sisters head so you really do not know what she is thinking. As far as abortion goes, can you really look at your niece and think of how much you love her and ask if abortion would have been an option?
2007-09-19 06:40:18 · answer #11 · answered by Going Crazy 5 · 2⤊ 0⤋