My boyfriends family says racist remarks in front of me?

Question

I finally went to meet my boyfriends parents and family for the first time. I am a single mother of two. I am hispanic and my two children are bi-racial (hisp. and black), the man I love, my boyfriend is white. At the dinner table there were comments about Mexicans/Hispanics and Blacks. I could not take it anymore I just had to excuse myself and leave the table---I was so upset I wanted to cry. When people talk about black people, I get offended of course; my kids are half black. My boyfriend was so pist at them and yes he did stand up for me. But how do I make him understand and his family that that is so offensive. One relative came and apologized to me and said I should of known she wasn't referring to me because I wasn't like that and that I had class.Andshe's not prejudice, shedoesn't own anyslaves and neither did her parents. And why is it so sensative, that black people say white this and white that all the time.Thenshe said I don't understand how blacks can havthereowntvchannel

Answer 1

I will answer your question starting from the bottom up. I am Black and Latino. The reason Blacks and Latinos have their own channels is because we have been historically unrepresented on the long list of white channels. We are usually shown as criminals on the white channels, which is where many white people establish their views of Blacks and Latinos. They are not shown that the majority of Black and Latino families are hardworking people, just trying to make a good life for their families, while having to deal with the racist views that many people in this country still have.
No, the relative did not own any slaves, but she would be ignorant to think that she and all other white people in this country, did not benefit from black slavery and the slave labor that Mexican and other immigrants provide in this country. The cotton and tobacco industry was built on the backs of black slaves. The railroads that cross this country even today was built by Chinese immigrants. If all of the Latino immigrants walked out on their jobs today, this country would come to a standstill.
My question to you is this. You have two children who are Black and Latino, are you even considering joining this family where your kids will definitely have to deal with that racism? Your boyfriend who is supposed to love you, should have spoken to his family well before you met his family, and he should have spoken up well before you had to leave the table.

Answer 2

I'm into giving people the benefit of the doubt to begin with. He's got a lot of great things going for him so maybe he's just ignorant and is parroting things he's heard around growing up. You could try talking to him on the side and saying something like this: "You're such a great guy and I know you would not want to ever see anyone hurt... so I wanted to let you know that I'm sensitive to even making jokes about other races or gays or what ever...." Sometimes when you say something positive about someone ("I know you'd never want to see anyone hurt"), you call them out to rise to the good things you're saying (a good thing to do as a parent too, by the way ;-)). Also, it sends him the message in a gentle way what your boundaries are. If he's just being a lunkhead, he may just rise. If he's really got a problem, you're laying the groundwork for setting the boundaries you want to keep and you can get stronger later if need be. One thing that I do when I need to talk to someone and I don't want it to turn into a confrontation is to imagine the outcome of the conversation as positive (or you can say a little prayer, what ever your style). If you're fighting hatred, don't fight it with hatred, see if you can transform it with a loving approach. All the best blessings!

Answer 3

I am sorry that those things were said in froint of you, sometimes people can be so rude.

Well, you have a bit of thinking to do on this one, don't you? On the one hand it is easier for you because your boyfriend didn't say them, his family did. You can't hold your boyfriend responsible for things said by them. On the other, however, you will have to interact with them from time to time if you stay with your boufriend. It will be inevitible, so there could possibly be tension every time. Not a good prospect.

I suggest that your boyfriend should address this with his family. Have him tell them how those comments made you feel. Regardless if they weren't directed towards you. It still offended you.

No, realize this, you probably won't be able to change thier minds about how they feel. The best you can hope for is that they will keep thier mouth shut when you are around. Again, there will be the possibility of tension.

I don't see a complete remedy to this situation, but I do see the ability to have a manageable relationship with them if people are willing to have a bit of consideration for each other.

Good luck, I hope things work out for you.

Stevo.

Answer 4

Face it they are stupid people who talk out of there ***.
They wont change because the refuse to. You had every right to get up and excuse yourself from the table. Your boyfriend although you state defended you had no right to be pist at you. He has a prejudice, selfish, ignorant family. It doesnt make a difference if they said the comment in general it was wrong period. You should think about if you really want to be invovled in this relationship. Think about it if you have a child from him they will favor that child over the others and can cause probems in your sibling relationship.

Answer 5

You have to speak up, do not feed their ignorance. Also, you have to be open for debate - All races have positive and negative and they may in fact not be talking about you, just because you and your kids belong to a particular race doesn't mean you have to avenge them all. Tell your boyfriend's family that their topic of conversation is offensive to you and talk about something else.

Answer 6

It's so weird - I am SO not offended by "racial" remarks or by "racial" type casting, or "racial" names - - I KNOW I am an oddball, but I just do not understand why someones WORDS need to "hurt" me. WHY should I CARE what stupid rude people SAY??? IT IS NOT MY PLACE TO CORRECT THEM! I am NOT going to let them HAVE what they want, and that is - my EMOTIONAL reaction. IF I CHOOSE to get all offended and hurt, THEY HAVE WON!!
Nope, I will NOT give them what they want - I will SMILE, LAUGH, and even AGREE with their WORDS. It BLOWS their stupid pea brained MINDS - and they LEAVE ME ALONE.

YOU need to TOUGHEN UP and develop a THICK SKIN. YOU chose to bring mixed race kids in to this hostile RACIALLY BIASED world. YOU are not doing THEM any favors by being so sensitive. YOU need to SHOW THEM that they are GOOD PEOPLE and the world IS the way it is. REALITY sucks at times, but YOU don't have to be so reactive to it. You CANNOT change the world, so you must learn to LIVE with it.

Answer 7

it seems like maybe his family didn't really mean any harm, they're just extremely ignorant & sheltered! It's good that your boyfriend stood up for you, it shows that he isn't like them & it seems like you're in a good relationship. I know it sucks when your boyfriends family doesn't like or accept you how you are but you can't worry about that too much. You're dating him, not his family. And if you don't stress about it & just be yourself, they'll probably come around in time & see they're stereotypes are no where near the truth.

Answer 8

have your BF make the family understand how you feel and of course that what they are doing is just plain wrong!

People typically dont change so your going to have to get used to it or just avoid them in the future, not the easist thing to do.

Answer 9

Not trying to take anyones back in this, and yes what they did was wrong, but in my opinion, All races are racist.Lol its kind of funny but i think whites might have it just as hard as blacks.Think on it, and if you disagree U might just be racist yourself.


Cheers! hope you get everything workes out

Answer 10

Most people have some prejudice, it's just the way of society, hon.

If you feel uncomfortable about his family then perhaps avoid them.

take care of YOU first.