No I am not engaged as of now, but I do know it will be seen. It has been discussed a great deal over the past few months and are soon moving in together. However the last time I saw his mom she made a general statement to him that when he decided to get married, he could have her ring to give to his wife. I don’t dislike the ring I just don’t want it, it’s not my style. I also want something that is my own, something unmarked by pastness (I know thats not a word). How do I tell him things with out hurting him moms feelings. I also don’t want to sound selfish, as in “you must spend money on me” because its not about that either.
2007-09-12 00:08:52 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Weddings
haha thanks for the moving in advice, but no worries, we have two bed rooms. Its just the most cost effective since i am finishing school and can't live at home since my mom recently passed away.
2007-09-12 00:54:53 · update #1
Yes she does have a daughter.
2007-09-13 11:43:00 · update #2
Number one -- you are far from being selfish! Every woman in the world dreams of the day that the man of her dreams drops to one knee and proposes marriage. Part of that dream, quite a large part actually, is the engagement ring! People in general tend to look at this kind of issue as materialistic and "plastic" -- they think you shouldn't care what the ring looks like b/c it stands as a symbol of love between you and your significant other. Ok, that's a nice notion and all, but let's get real -- it does matter!
The way you present this to your boyfriend, when you feel the time is right of course, is to simply let him know that you don't want to hurt his feelings or seem ungrateful but it's very important to you to have a NEW ring. You also can let him know that your reasoning behind this is b/c you want it to be a symbol of your new beginning as a married couple, and it just wouldn't seem right if you were to wear his mother's ring. You could also let him know, if you're ok w/ this, that you would love to have his mother's ring to wear, if only on occasion, on your right hand. He, in turn, can also assure his mother that regardless of whether you wear the ring on your left or right hand that it will be well taken care of and that you will keep it until your child is of an appropriate age to take care of it, at which time you will pass it down. If you make her think that the ring is of the utmost importance to you then she shouldn't have any problems accepting the fact that you will not be wearing it as your official engagement ring.
If you are still worried about people looking at you like you have the "gold-digger's syndrome," then don't tell everyone the whole situation. It really isn't anyone else's business but yours and your boyfriend's -- not even his mom's! Whether she gets upset with you or not is really neither here nor there, she will just have to deal with it. The way you handle this whole situation can be done in such a way that everyone comes out a winner. You just need to show lots of appreciation and love towards him and his mom, but don't ever let them walk all over you and make choices for you -- especially when this is something that you will be wearing for the rest of your life!
2007-09-12 00:39:22 · answer #1 · answered by Laura H 2 · 3⤊ 0⤋
Tell your fiance what you told us: "I don’t dislike the ring I just don’t want it, it’s not my style. I also want something that is my own, something unmarked by pastness"
Next, the two of you work on a tactful way to tell his mom. "Morganna and I really appreciate your offer of the ring, but she has a different style preference and would like a new ring that represents 'new beginnings.' "
After he conveys that to his mom, if she's a reasonable person like my mom, she won't take it personally, and her feelings won't be hurt. If her feelings ARE hurt, it's not your problem. You're not obligated to wear a particular ring just so your future MIL's feelings won't be hurt.
P.S. I think some of the responses are make a ridiculous assumption and are quite rude. Wanting your own, unique ring does not equate with "selfish" or "golddigger." Some folks around here cry "golddigger!" at the drop of a hat. Ignore them.
2007-09-12 04:32:09 · answer #2 · answered by Ms. X 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
EWW sticky situation....Talk to you fiance (soon to be) and tell him how you feel. Now if the ring was from a past marriage, you could use the whole its bad luck thing. If not, you need to let him know you want something that's yours, from him, not the mother...You also could take her ring and have the stones set in another, this will make it new...I dont think your being selfish, its nice if someone wants to marry you, they pick a ring for you and its not a hand me down...
2007-09-12 00:23:21 · answer #3 · answered by ABBYsMom 7 · 3⤊ 0⤋
the conventional cost is around $800. don't think the hype approximately spending 2 or 3 months' income. Spend what you are able to arise with the money for with ease, without going into debt. A mature lady will understand the symbolism of the hoop, and the cost of it won't rely a whit. she would be waiting to delight in that it got here from you, and which you chosen it.
2016-10-10 10:36:26 · answer #4 · answered by elkayam 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You could try to hint around about what kind of ring you like. You could always say something like "your mom's ring is nice, but its not really my style. I'd rather have it **this way**"...
IF I were you though, I'd take the ring with pride. You could always find a pretty wrap around to really change its looks.
2007-09-12 02:53:28 · answer #5 · answered by Terri 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
We had a similar situation. My fiance wanted to give me his mom's engagement ring. It was gold. I rarely wear gold. At first I just talked around it. "Oh, that's so sweet, baby!" But then, I really thought about it and just really didn't want the ring. It is a very very sweet thing for him to want to do, but tastes vary. I wanted something that was my own. Something in a silver color. And something that would match his wedding ring (he wanted a silver colored wedding ring too).
So...I talked to him. We just openly talked about it. I explained how sweet it was, but how it just wasn't the best option for me. I had always dreamed of having a sapphire set in white gold for my engagement ring. He listened and understood. I got my ring. Everyone's happy.
Just talk to him about it. Be as nice as you can and just throughly explain what you want.
2007-09-12 04:35:23 · answer #6 · answered by Natty 5 · 2⤊ 0⤋
wow, i can really relate to that. my bf and i right now are talking about wedding plans and as of now, we dont have enough money to spend for the wedding... i want us to save money...he told me that i shouldnt worry about the engagement ring coz they have these family heirlooms wherein it goes from generation to generation and his mom is already preparing a ring for me... yeah, i also want a new one for me but if its not really feasible (he doesnt have much money yet), then its okay to have the family heirloom as my ring... once we get married and we have enough money, i can always ask for a new ring... hehe... maybe you can do that too... coz if you tell him that you dont like the ring his mother wants to give you, im sure he will be hurt... and it might cause you a fight.
2007-09-12 00:29:27 · answer #7 · answered by brazenlove 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋
You just talk to him about it gently, not in a selfish way. Just say since you two are starting a new life together, you would like to have a ring that he chooses himself.
Just some advice - wait til you are married to move in together! Shacking up doesn't help anything along....
2007-09-12 00:43:41 · answer #8 · answered by Lydia 7 · 1⤊ 2⤋
Love you only have 1 chance in this life this is not a rehearsal, accept the ring BUT explain it WILL NOT be your engagement ring but a most welcomed dress ring then explain to her that SHE had the choice to choose her own engagement ring & that you want to choose your OWN. I don't blame you get your own Good luck
2007-09-12 00:25:34 · answer #9 · answered by murphy 1 · 2⤊ 1⤋
yeah i'd just take the ring.. she probably does not have a daughter to give it too..
its more for sentiment.. you can always just keep it wear it on a chain.. or save it to give to her future grand daughter yah know?
2007-09-12 00:36:36 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 3⤊ 0⤋