I think I have an idea why some girls are messed up..?

Question

We want to raise our daughter to be independent and to be able to do things on their own and not have to rely on a guy to do things for them. We want our daughters to be smart and make good choices in life.

But we also want our daughters to not do anything with out their parents permission. We raise our daughters (and sons) telling them what to do 24/7, when to eat when to sleep, when to do work around the house and when they want to 'stop out' on their own we freak. When they want to make choices on their own we say 'no, you did not get our permission.'

We want our daughters to listen to us and do what we say with out question because we are their parents, But when/if they date a guy that is this way we call him abusive.. Or worse when they are attracted to a guy that tells them what to do cause that was they way they were raised(someone telling them what to do 24/7, we freak even more.

How do we raise our daughters (and sons) with out this messing them up. ?

Answer 1

I think you pose and interesting question. I'm sure it has to do with balance. Which is why I think it's important to explain why we want certain behaviors and rules followed as opposed to simply saying "because I said so." As they get older we should allow them to make their own case for what they want and if it is logical and convincing in the same way we have talked to them as they grew up, then I think they should be rewarded for good reasoning and communication skills. I also love to see teenagers stand up for what they want or need based on plenty of forethought and skillful language usage. They always get points for that with me. Anyway great question. Something for all parents to consider. And I think it applies to boys as well.

Answer 2

My children are 12, 8,6,4 and 3.Of course the younger ones need more attention and rules.Anyway I don't tell my children when to eat,when to go to bed (except the three youngest),whether to watch TV or not,etc.I usually tolerate their responsibility and independence.They live the same way as if they lived with a friend of theirs,the only difference is that they have to follow a few rules - no hitting in the house (spankings are included - I never spank my children),no yelling at anyone in the house (including either the youngest or the oldest family members),no lying - they know that there is no point in lying,so they always tell the truth and they are not afraid I would freak out if they make a mistake but I would help them learn from it.And one more rule - everybody should respect the others.In these circumstances my childre are really more responsible and mature than most of my friends' children.For example,they won't get in trouble if they are alone at home for a few hours and they will help if they see a person who needs help without me asking the for it.

Answer 3

It's not easy and I think it starts when they're small. We can arrange for them to make choices on their own. After all, that's what they'll need to do when they grow up. For instance you could get out two sets of clothes for your toddler and ask them "Do you want to wear this one or this other one?" That way they have a limited choice to make. It also helps with their self-esteem. It's normal for kids to ask questions and challenge you in your choices for them. That's a great opportunity to explain in a few words what your reasoning is. If you have to punish them, make sure the punishment fits the crime. Kids should know what their parents' expectations are and what will happen if these expectations aren't met. After all, this isn't the army. We don't need to be permissive either. Sometimes kids just can't do what they want and they think their parents are mean, but I always say, "That's my job." It's not a democracy, but a benevolent dictatorship! As children get older, they can make more decisions for themselves. They can help plan the meals and do some of the actual cooking as soon as they're big enough to reach the stove. Making pudding and baking cookies or bread are fun things to do. I think it's unreasonable to expect your children to obey without question. You want them to think for themselves and that's where it starts. I don't mean they should be argumentative, but you can allow them to present their case and then decide. Yes, you can set bedtimes and waking times and mealtimes, but you have to let them make more decisions as they get older and teach them to think of others, too. Sometimes I think the best thing we can do is set a good example.

Answer 4

Don't worry, you'll mess something up. The only perfect parents have no children. You teach them that there are consequences to their actions. You let them experience the consequences of their actions within the limits of safety.

The expectation of courtesy, for example calling when one is going to be late, is not controlling. Parents do need to know where their children are and to be part of major decisions. A boyfriend or future spouse can also expect the same courtesy.

As parents you have the responsibility to teach them, but a boyfriend or spouse does not share the same responsibility. Parenting is difficult because the ultimate goal is for your children to develop greater independence from you. This is not necessarily true of any other relationship--- typically the goal of developing a relationship is to grow closer. While your children are young you will need to exert limits on them, but as they get older you give greater privilege and freedom as they demonstrate greater responsibility and maturity.

Answer 5

I feel that a parent should instill a lot of decision making tools within thier child and from this, values, morality, and self-respect are grown.
Dominating your children will cause the opposite effect.
Let them make some of thier own decisions. This should cause you to gain trust in thier decision making abilities and they'll feel more compfortable to ask your advice when making important decisions.
Don't get me wrong, children should have rules and structure and should not be able to do whatever they want, but if dominated, they'll not have the tools to function as a healthy adult.
Let them make some of thier own mistakes in life. You learn a lot from those experiences, and if they start early, the consequences will be small. If they're not allowed to do this, rebellion and huge, long-lasting consequences are in the future.

Answer 6

As a child and through out teenage yrs a parent tells the child to do something for guidance so when they go out into the world they are prepared for negativity and the stresses in life. Teaching them right from wrong has nothing to do with who they will grow up and date. Also Them saying where they are or where they are going is not suggesting what kind of man/woman they will marry. Telling them when to eat and sleep allows them to understand in order to be able to get up in the morning and prepare for the day is important to have good rest and the right food will teach them to be healthy and not get medical conditons and good food habits will remain through out life.

A guy who acts this way is abusive. A relationship has mutual respect. 50/50 No one should be insecure enough to decide what their boyfriend/girlfriend should do. there should be enough respect in the relationship and enough trust that they should not have to tell each other what to do where to go and how to live. Thats not a healthy relationship you can be with someone without having to be controlled you should be able to decide for yourself what your life will be like when you become an independent adult and just take the things you learned as a child through your adult hood. You shouldn't mix up the two because they are completely different concepts.

Answer 7

The issue of raising children to be obedient teenagers but independent adults is an interesting one. But it's not specific to girls. It's exactly the same for boys, and it doesn't mess them up.

But to address the broader question, if you want to raise children to be obedient teenagers but independent adults, then you should tell them what to do, but also tell them *why* you think they should do that. Then they won't do it just because you told them to. They'll do it because it's the right thing to do. Then when they're adults, they'll do what they decide on their own is the right thing to do, even if someone else tells them to do something else.

Answer 8

This is too big of a generalization. My parents were not strict but gave me guidelines to which I adhered to because I loved and respected them. I am married now to a wonderful husband and usually I call the shots. My daughter is already opinionated and makes a lot of her own choices and she is 2 1/2 years old. I think parents can guide their children without ordering or bossing them around and being controlling.

Answer 9

they should be taught to make their own decisions, to make up their own mind on things and to teach them that us as parents should help them to make those right decisions, teach them that they have to stand up for their selves with respect and if they can't find a man to respect that and wants to run their lives then that's no good. A parent and a spouse are two different things. Parents are there to teach them , love them , and to guide them to make the right desicions in there life. A spouse is there to share a life with them, to grow with them, our daughters should know that a man and a women is there for eachother it's not a one way street ( "treat one another like you want to be treated" )
I hope this answers your question, that's the way i feel about it !! let me know how you feel about my answer.

Answer 10

You just do the best that you can by treating them with love and the respect and trust they deserve. Support and encourage them and be honest, not only with them, but with yourself as well. As humans, we will err. That is why we must readily admit our mistakes and also be willing to forgive. Parenthood is an art, not a science.