how do i avoid a war?

Question

I have a volatile family...as in explosive. My deadbeat dad (who took a sabbatical from life, dumped me and my mom, and became a long-haul trucker {neither here nor there} ) recently has reentered my life. I'm getting married in the next few years (its complicated by my hubby-to-be being in the Army) and while i will invite him to my wedding Mark (deadbeat) will have no part in it. My problem is I can foresee conflict and lots of it. Either J (fiance) is going to confront Mark about the way that he has treated me for the whole of my life or Mark is going to pitch a hissy fit because all he can do is sit and watch while another man takes his place in all the fatherly wedding day duties. And then there's the possibility that my dad and Mark will have their own cussing match. So how can I do the right thing by inviting him and not have him ruin my wedding day?

J isn't childish enough to pick a fight during the wedding or even after the wedding at the reception. My worry is more the days leading to the wedding and the possibility of a fight then. But at the same time while J won't pick a fight on our wedding day Mark very well might.

Answer 1

Tell him he wasn't your "dad" but he is your father and the man that has been your "Dad' will do the Dad part.
Another option is that nobody or our mom gives you away.

Answer 2

Hire security. No just kidding. Well, half-way kidding. This is a tough situation. First thing you should do is have a sit down with the hubby to be. Make it as painfully clear as possible that under no circumstances, whatsoever, no matter how provoked he feels is he to confront your father. If you feel like such a confrontation is a deal breaker for you, make the consequences of his potential actions perfectly clear. I'm not talking about making threats or giving ultimatums, but this is no time to pussyfoot around the issue. Second, have a similar, if not identical conversation with your father. (Warning, this may result in him deciding not to attend the wedding if he is as hot tempered as you say, which could be a good thing depending on the way you look at it.) Once the rules are clear to everyone, test it out. Go out somewhere with the two of them and see if you can get them to at least be civil with each other. Don't forget to inform your father of the actual role he will play on the day of the wedding so there are no surprises. After that, there isn't much else you can do. Unfortunately, you can't control what other people do. You can only control your own actions and reactions to their behavior. If it helps, assign someone (a close friend or member of the bridal party) to be on "Dad Duty". Meaning their job is to keep an eye on your father and make sure he is staying out of trouble. If they see a conflict about to arise, they should alert security to diffuse the situation before it gets out of hand. Good damage control can go a long way when excecuting a wedding. Many reception halls require that you hire a security guard if you're serving alcohol anyway, so take advantage of that if you can. No one will think twice about it. Try to relax and enjoy your wedding day if at all possible. Best of luck!

Answer 3

First you have to make Mark understand that yes, he has to watch someone else do all the fatherly wedding day duties, because those were the same duties that he abandoned years ago. He has relinquished his right to fatherly duties. If he has a problem with this, then you should just uninvite him and make him decide which he thinks is worse. I know J has you best interst at heart and he doesn't want to see you hurt or upset by any of this. Talk to him too. Tell him no fighting, or better yet. If you see a fight starting to brew, designate a wedding "bouncer", someone who isn't the groom to settle the situation--aka remove Mark from the room before something starts.

Answer 4

I feel for you...my biological father is an alcoholic and drug addict...not sure how he and my mom got together but that is besides the point...I will be getting married next year and am facing the same issue. I want to invite my bio-dad but my step dad is the one who will be walking me down the isle. My plan is to first of all explain to my bio-dad (assuming i can find him) the reason for my choice and then let him decide whether he wants to come or not. I will also be letting him know that his is my day and he won't be allowed to make a big deal about anything or he will be asked to leave.. I also plan on having a few of my finaces friends and some of my family run interference if anything does happen. Of course this all sounds like a grand idea but executing the plan may be a different story. I wish you the best of luck. I hope everything goes perfectly!

Answer 5

I have brides hire me all the time to try to keep the peace in family situations that have gone bad or that they are afraid will go bad! They will tell me all the possible horrors and everything, but when the day comes, I have never had a real problem. I think it's because when a stranger is in charge of the rehearsal and ceremony, and obviously won't take any crap off anyone, they don't want to embarrass themselves in front of her (me). They don't want to air all the dirty laundry in front of a stranger. So, I would consider hiring a coordinator even if it is for the rehearsal & ceremony direction only.

Also, it never hurts to have a little security. Hire an off duty police officer just in case. They are always looking for extra money & can be had for about $100-300 for a few hours. Might be well worth the money!

Answer 6

in all honesty you are looking for things to worry about at this point. you aren't getting married for a few years so just try to let it go for the moment.
i would suggest you don't discuss marriage and weddings around your bio dad, if he buggered off years ago, there is a good chance he'll do the same thing before you get around to a wedding. and even if he is around he hasn't earned the right to be involved.
if he is still around and if the fear and concern over a family uproar is still there when you decide to actually get married then you can sit him down and tell him that your mum raised you, not him, and it is your mum's right to walk you down that aisle. give him two choices - accept it and be a guest at the wedding or don't accept it and not be welcome in your life. he probably would accept her walking you down the aisle more than he would yor step father, however, having said that, it still is none of his business! truly it isn't. and i would think your mum would be touched by the idea of being the one to give you away. the only other suggestion i would make is when the minister asks 'who gives this woman's hand in marriage' instead of saying 'i do' your mum could say 'her parents do'. maybe that would be an idea??

as for your fiance wanting to cuss out your dad - the less you go on about the entire situation the less he will feel he needs to step in. sometimes we tend to go on about things without realizing it, so make an effort to be lighthearted about it until you know there is a problem. like you said its a few years away! its always been my experience that no matter what the situation - if you stay cool, pretty much everone else will.
besides i still say your bio-dad will have flown the coop by then!
good luck with it all, and if you need to scream at someone - email me!

Answer 7

Trust me, avoid the war!
You don't need to play advisory.
You do whatever you and your partner want on your wedding day.
Go to the Bahamas and have a private ceremony w/ close friends that are not petty and demanding. Have a reception at home and let the fam have it out.
This is your day, and will only happen once.
You want this to be a happy day, not a stressfull one!!

I put off my wedding because of fam stress for 2 years and it still didn't work out...

Answer 8

Hi. I can sympathize with you. Your story sounds like my daughter-in-law's life. (We are trying to make it better! - I'm her mother-in-law.)

Anyway, first....congratulations on your engagement! Second...your problem....Yes, this could be a very explosive situation. If I read your question right, there are 3 males in this situation....your Father (Mark), your fiance (J), and your dad? (I'm assuming a step-dad) - the one who will be doing the fatherly duties as you say.

You need to speak with all 3 males in this situation. If you truly want your father (Mark) there, you will need to speak with both him AND you fiance to get things in control from the get go. Tell your father he is invited AS A GUEST, and to act as a guest. Then tell your fiance that your father is invited, again, as a guest, and as such, he should respect him as a guest. You need to make it clear to BOTH that there are to be NO confrontations -- this is a wedding -- not the Jerry Springer show! Then, ask your dad (step-dad) how he feels and what you want from the wedding day.

If you don't get a good feeling from ALL of them. I would go ahead with the wedding without your father (Mark). Yes, it will hurt him, but better to deal with that than have a major confrontation at your wedding! Good luck!

Answer 9

Personally I would not invite someone who hasn't been there for the most important parts in my life. He shirked his responsibilities and gets rewarded with a free meal. If you see the conflict, avoid it. He's back in your life now - for what? Is he sick and wants you to care for him? Does he need an organ donor? Has he burned so many bridges that he wants to cleanse his soul?

He has to earn a spot in your wedding. Choose extremely carefully and make the decision at the last minute if you still want him there. The people who have been loyal to you deserve at least that much.

Answer 10

Have a lovely, small wedding and skip the confrontation thing all together. Why start out your new life with anger in your heart and frustration in your suitcase to take on your honeymoon!
You don't need this man to complicate things..now or ever. He will never change and users always show their true colors sooner or later...even when they say they have changed!

Answer 11

God, it sounds like a recipe for disaster. Personally, I'd just tell people you're going to some tropical island for a private wedding ceremony/ honeymoon then have a big party and include everyone when you return. That way, they still feel included AND no one ruins what is supposed to be a private, sweet, and loving moment between you and your fiance.