My boyfriend killed himself, help?

Question

Recently, about a week ago, my boyfriend of a year and three months committed suicide. In his note, he said that he never had feelings for me and that he hated me sincerely, but that I wasn't the cause of his death.

I don't get it. I really don't. We had a great relationship. Like, we obviously had little spats, but besides that everything was fine. And I feel like, I was in fact the cause of his death, even though he said that I wasn't.

Before he died, we had a really romantic night, and we were real happy.

His mom won't talk to me, she hates me indefinatley because of reasons I don't know. I wasn't invited to the private funeral.

I miss him.
It was a pretty serious relationship considering that I'm only 15.

I'm really depressed.
Can you like, try to somehow figure out what he really meant? Or comfort me?

I posted this earlier, but, I posted other details at a later date, so people didn't really respond to that part.

I talked to his mom, and she said gave me some letters that "he" wrote.
I don't think he wrote it, it doesn't even look like his handwriting.
It said some stuff about hating me and me hurting and cheating on him.
I never cheated on him, there was an incident 9 months ago where he thought I was, but that was cleared up. After that though, she never really liked me.

Also, is it weird not be sad?
I mean, I guess it hasn't kicked in yet. I didn't cry at the public funeral. I just kinda feel empty. A lot of people are saying that I was cheating on him and that I'm happy that he's dead.
For some reason, that hurts me more than his death.

I also want to pick up the phone and call him and tell him that he died.
Ha.
Maybe I'm weird.

As weird as I am though, I really can't deal with this.

I'm sorry for sounding like I'm wicked needy, it's just, I really can't talk to anyone else now since my friends are the ones who are telling people that I'm happy about his death.

Answer 1

I am so sorry for your loss - how awful! If your friends are the ones telling people you are happy about his death, you need to find people who are truly your friends. This is a very difficult time and It sounds like you are in shock - that is your lack of emotion. Can you talk with your own family about this? You need to deal with your emotions, and realize that this had nothing to do with you. He was obviously very twisted up inside and thought that this was his only way out - you do realize that, right? Find someone that you can talk to, please. God Bless.

Answer 2

First off I would like to say I am really sorry for your loss.
You are not weird, there are stages to how a person handles grief and each step takes a different amount of time for each individual.
To talk a bit about the letter. Sometimes when people decide to take their own life, they want to releave other people's possible responses. His note may have been in his mind a good way to tell you not to miss him. It is almost like he was saying...if I tell her I hated you, now she can move on to someone else and not miss me.
I know it doesn't make sense to us, but we are not depressed and do not think the way he was thinking.
As for the boys parents. When a child kills themselves, the guilt is huge. Parents do not want to take the blame and so they look for others to blame. It really is a blameless act sometimes. People should try instead to understand what were the causes, because much of the time it is body chemistry gone wrong.

To help you understand what the steps are to grieving and what you will be going through I listed them below. Then following that is a website which will explain this all to you further. Please go there and read through it.

Denial: “This can’t be happening to me.”
Anger: “Why is this happening? Who is to blame?”
Bargaining: “Make this not happen, and in return I will ____.”
Depression: “I’m too sad to do anything.”
Acceptance: “I’m at peace with what is going to happen/has happened.”


http://www.helpguide.org/mental/grief_loss.htm

Answer 3

I trully feel so sorry for you - this is WAY too much for a 15 year old to handle. My inital responce would be that you need to seek out a therapist. Let your parents or close family know how much this whole scenario has effected you and I'm positive they'll take you. Afterall, they only want the best for you.
I imagine that the therapist will tell you that, regardless of whatever anybody is saying, you were NOT the reason this boy killed himself. I completely understand why you may be feeling confused as to why he told you he 'hated you' in his suicide note, even though your relationship had been going apparently 'well' before his death. However, what you need to remember is that this boy was SERIOUSLY disturbed (enough to kill himself) and so I'd imagine that his emotions and feelings were all over the place. He was wrong to toy with your emotions like that and even more in the wrong for dragging your name into his note - that's the kind of thing that can break a person.
As for you not feeling 'sad' as such, I believe that's totally normal. You aren't weird at all - just in a deep state of shock I would imagine. Therapy will help you express your true emotions and I can guarantee you it will work wonders for you. PLEASE bare it in mind.
Best of luck for the future and remember: you were NOT to blame!

Answer 4

I'm so sorry for your loss.


I can't imagine what kind of pain you're being put through, and honestly no one on here is really going to have the power to just lift you out of your depression and get you back on track. It's going to take a long time to get over something like this.


First of all, he's dead. We can't tell you what the truth is. You said you had a great relationship, he said he didn't do this because of you, so i'm going with the fact it wasn't because of you. What other reasons does he have to have killed himself? Did he have friend/parent problems? It's hard to predict why, you didn't really say that he ever any problems with anything or anyone. As far as i can tell, no one will ever know. Not until you die too and find out yourself. I do know that killing himself was totally his own decision, not yours. Therefore it is NOT your fault.


Are you absolutely sure that he killed himself? Or was it an accident or murder? If you were so happy, then i couldn't imagine why he'd kill himself. Then again, some people do keep feeling trapped inside.


Again i'm sorry.

Answer 5

Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm also 15 and in a commited relationship of 1 year and 10 months. If my boyfriend commited suicide and wrote the things he wrote about you, i wouldn't know how to live anymore. But you have to pull threw. Life has its ups and downs and that's definetly a down. You need to just move on and hope and pray that everything will turn out all okay in the end. You will eventually find a new guy who will make you feel like the true princess you really are. You'll get threw this, I'm telling you. Don't make the same mistake your boyfriend did.

Answer 6

I dont know if your religious but a time like this I would pray...im not sure why his mom doesnt like you..maybe she's just really hurt too...i know you cant see it but losing a child is the hardest thing EVER in life...worse even than a boyfriend im sure. However, I can not imagine your situation and you are really strong for being able to even get out of bed every day...Most people do not know how to react to a situation like this one...so I would say just stick it out...When people commit suicide they are not mentally sane. So, in writing this note you cannot put any merit into what he writes because he wasnt sane at the time. As far as anything else maybe you can talk to a counselor or something about your feelings. I know I didnt cry for 2 weeks after my grandmother passed away when i was 14..it just took a while to really sink in...so i say give it time...thats the best advice

Answer 7

That's a lot for you to deal with, especially at your age. You will probably never know the reason why he did what he did, but in no way were you a part of why he did it. Sounds like he had his own personal (depression) issues that he had going on and did a good job hiding it from others. You should tell your parents how hard this is for you so they can help you through this & maybe find someone for you to talk to. I know it's hard to believe, but you REALLY had nothing to do with this. And about him saying he hated you... that may just have been his depression talking.

Answer 8

Wow, I'd wonder about the same things if this happened to me. Don't blame yourself. He had problems that had nothing to do with you, even if he wrote about you in his letters. I hope you can get through this, it might help to talk to a professional since this was someone that you loved. But, bottom line, this was way beyond your control and really didn't have anything to do with the relationship. Be a good girlfriend to someone else when you're ready. Best wishes, and so sorry for your loss.

Answer 9

I'm so sorry this had to happen. I think that maybe there was a lot of stress going on. And maybe he wasn't doing good in school, or he had problems with his family or friends. Even though people spread rumors that you're happy he passed away, but you just have to ingore it. Maybe you're not crying and feeling very sad because of that note. I'm so sorry about this. You'll get through it.

Answer 10

It sounds like you guys were way to serious for age 15. Of course you're depressed, but you need to talk to your parents or a school counselor right away and get some help. Please don't take anything he said to heart: people who are suicidal are in so much pain inside that they don't even believe that their actions will hurt anyone. They think that they're so worthless and unwanted that no one will miss them. Don't talk to his mother anymore, she's in a lot of pain right now and is probably lashing out to try to alleviate her own feelings of guilt that she didn't see what was going on with him. It's not your fault, but get some help before you start to believe it is. I hope you can find some peace soon.