How do I not resent my childs father?

Question

I have a daughter who just turned 7 last week. I do EVERYTHING for her financially w/ sporadic (like $10-$20 every few months) support from her father. I dont get child support (I have filed but he RARELY has a job). Whenever my money gets tight I tend to hate her father cause I know that if he would make even a small contribution to her financial upbringing then I would have more to work w/. I dont ask him for a lot, for example, when I got child support for 2 months in a row back in 2005 (the one and only time I ever got anything) I was getting $40/wk and I never asked him for anything. He does spend time w/ her (not enough to me but I know its more than some kids get w/ their dads). I am grateful for that but I dont want to resent something that I cant change and I just dont know what I can tell myself to cope cause its not affecting him, just making me crazy! I am not the trype of person who would stop him from seeing her if he did not pay cause that would hurt her in the long run.

I do not qualify for welfare/ gov't assistance. I have a "decent" paying goverment job and the money is usually only tight this time of year around her b-day (last week), school starting and Thanksgiving and Christmas right around the corner. I make enough to pay all my bills and buy food but not wnough to ever save up anything or pay on any past debt. I still tend to resent him eventhough I don't want to when I am in a "financial straight jacket".

Answer 1

Similar stories all round. The one thing you must not do is let the tension about this situation land on your daughter. One thing about low life dead beats is that they do not take responsibility for anything - ever. That means that he may woo your daughter behind your back on visits (spoil her with all the things you can't afford and blame you for the separation) Girls without Dads believe their fathers and do not see the finanacial abuse issues. (and that is what it is) I'll bet he has enough money for his pleasures!!?? Your daughter may not understand you are the one doing the hard yards and in the long term she may not thank you for your efforts. This is a damaging situation. I did exactly what you are doing - it didn't turn out well - I always thought my ex would love his daughter and put her above all else. What I didn't realise that for him it was about him winning and me losing. You must determine the impact that this will have on her and know exactly what is going on. Rally your family around if you can and make sure the home base feels strong for her. In hindsight I feel my daughter would have been better without her father in her life as he was nothing more than an undermining factor and too late I realised his true character. If your ex has been a liar in the past I would take that as a big warning. If he really loves her he will work, pay up and keep up regular and positive visits. If not you have to step warily and guard her........she is forming her views on life and relationships now that will affect her the rest of her life.
The ex is getting away with something and your daughter will see that - you are allowing it. If I had my time around again I would enforce my legal rights to the fullest instead of trying to be reasonable and giving all the time. Take care.

Answer 2

I pay child support and lets be upfront here. You are a little off base with some things. Child support does not cover half of anything. And surely you don't have to be a finance agent to add things up. Just day care alone is more than some people pay in child support. And thats not the childs fault. The only time I ever could understand a father being distant from his child is for a short period of time. And thats only cause some mother use the child to win the father back and it is a package deal. You have to be firm on that one and get the woman on the right path. Then you can continue cause that would be better for the child that the mother and father aren't off and on confusing the child. But you should never just want to abandoned the child. That makes no sense at all. And you haven't made a great argument for it yet. Ruined his life? I can be convinced on a lot of things but you are going to have to have more than that.

Answer 3

Unfortunately there will probably not be any time soon that you don't resent her father. I've been in your situation. Depending on how you ended your relationship with her father...you could still be holding some resentment towards him for not being there for you. It's very hard in situations like this not to resent. It got easier for me when my daughter turned 19 and he didn't have to send child support any more. It also gets easier when she old enough to really understand that he has not done what was needed to help take care of her...for example...holding down a steady job and paying for what she needed while growing up. You are doing right be still letting him see her that is good for her and him, too. Maybe one day he will open his eyes.

Good luck I hope it gets better.

Answer 4

Am I looking in a mirror? Listen I wasted ALOT of precious time doing just what your doing and it was just that WASTED! The only thing I can tell you is focus on your child's happiness the little thing's I No it's hard when they want all the exspensive clothes and games that are out, but don't beat yourself up if you can't afford them , they will be happier if you sit down and play a game with them anyway, if you can afford them then be thankful. I speak from experience I raised three boy's for about 5 yrs on 7.50 per hour and they always had full belly's and I couldn't even qualify for food stamp;s Can you believe that ? So never count on child support because it is not guaranteed!

Good Luck to you

Answer 5

Its hard because taking on another part time job while already having a full time job means time away from your daughter. If you dont already I suggest you try to get ONE credit card. Spend only what you or your daughter might need and pay over the minimum due when the bill comes to pay it off completely and keep it up. It helps you emotionally financially and physically. Everyone needs help every now and then. IF its not possible for you to obtain a credit card ask your parents or someone to cosign and keep a good record so your credit score looks good too.
Good luck

Answer 6

Coupla things - being head strong is one thing putting your friend and pertner into a un-comprimising position is not. Fully aware of the facts you still went ahead with the pregnancy when it could easily have been postponed until a further opportunity along the way. He probably left you because you got all moddy and selfish and got pregnant to keep him at your side but that was the very wrong thing to do. You were probably making the decisions he had to make and that is not what he wanted. Sure there are legal matters to this and that is the real clincher - it shows what kind of person you are and the very uncompromising position you have placed him in. If he does recognise the birth and can't live with your decisions then sure enough this is the result of it. You might have considered a lot of things but this one dealing with his wants and needs are surely missed and you milk him for what he is - the father of your child - he is no longer your friend as you did go against his intentions and also got him to his knees in order to pay for your mistakes. You are not alone - there are others in the world in the very same situation as you. It ain't a proud position to be in but hey, that's life. Live it the way you think best though keep your ideas to yourself. If he does pay only sparodic and gets to see his child then you should be grateful - there are others who take the money and never let their biological parent near them. Your question is selfish and very very one-sided even though I understand your wants and needs - it takes two to make a wheel turn. Not everything is okidoki but make the most of it. Society soup at its best--bwaark!

Answer 7

You're in a tough situation, but you are being good hearted not to deprive your daughter of her dad's attention because he's not compliant with the child support. Many Mom's don't do that, so you deserve applause. I don't know how to get past the resentment- I guess it could fade in time if your finances improved and you weren't as stressed. Could you take him to court and have his tax refunds garnished? Although if he doesn't work much, they would be minimal, but maybe it's a starting point. I know it's his basic responsibility to support his child but would you be eligible for food stamps or other assistance? If you had more breathing room you would feel less pressured and the anger might lessen. Good luck.

Answer 8

My daughter is nine. She hasn't seen her father since shes was three. When I got pregnant( I was fifteen) he left town, he came back around a couple years later and visited a few times...nothing regular. He has never done anything for her. Last year she began asking all kinds of questions...she called him, they talked, they wrote each other letters...that lasted for about two months..now nothing again.

I don't resent him at all. No one understands this. He is the reason I have this beautiful little girl who is my life and has defined me since the day she was born. I don't know who I would be without her and I am almost thankful to him for that. I am glad he isn't around, bcuz she is all mine...maybe thats selfinsh but I don't care.

One day she'll realize that she doesn't need him and never did. And he will realize that his chance to be a father has gone.....I hope that hurts him.....hmmm maybe I do resent him!

Answer 9

Even if you wanted to keep your child away from her dad because he isn't paying, you can't.

At any rate, my ex husband pays child support right when he's suppose to and take our kids when he's suppose to.

I have a friend who's ex b/f sounds like the type of ex you have! Never ever has a job, doesn't even to offer to pay support when he is working. She wisened up and took him to court. And his jobs would terminate him, and she would take him into court and he would have 30 days to look for a job, or it was off to jail for him. When he posted bail, that money went to his ex. He finally decided to be a man and hold a job so he could pay support.

To me, that's a HUGE headache. I would much rather do it all on my own than have some jerk make it hard on me.

I am not well off, not in the least, but the money that my ex husband pays to my kids, I keep in a savings account in their names. I figure it will lessen the blow that college expenses will pummel me with! AND IT GAINS INTEREST! WHOO WHOO!!!!!

Answer 10

You've answered your own question. The only leverage you have is his visitation with his child. If you are unwilling to stop that, then there isn't much you can do. As hard and unfair as it is, you have to accept that this is how it is. He is not going to change and it isn't hurting anyone else but you (and your child). It is a bitter pill to swallow but your daughter didn't choose her father, you did. The best revenge is to keep doing better, be happy, be successful, provide for your child without help and pat yourself on the back for being such a strong independent woman and setting such a good example for your child! He'll still be a good for nothing, lazy bum!
Although your child is too small to know it now, one day she will see who really loves and cares for her and who doesn't.