How do I uninvite a difficult dinner party guest?

Question

A woman I have known over the years has always had a passive-aggressive mean streak to her, but I believe people are usually good at the core, even if they don't know how to express it. I think I am wrong in this assumption.

After not seeing her for a long time, she got in touch with me and I invited her to a dinner I was organizing at a local restaurant for five friends. She accepted. Within a week she complained the start time was too late - I foolishly accommodated her. Over the next few days she objected to the chosen restaurant - an inexpensive local Chinese restaurant. Too bad, my friends have budgets. At dinner, she attacked me in front of my friends because the restaurant was not very classy and wasn't I afraid that this reflects poorly on me. Wow.

That's the last of many straws. However, I previously invited her to a dinner party I'm hosting out a house outside the city (so I'm hosting her for a weekend in the country at no cost to her).

How do I un-invite her?

Answer 1

If you don't care for her, just tell her that she's not invited. And that you don't appreciate her attitude and how she embarrassed you in front of all the people you know. People who have attitudes need to be checked, otherwise they'll run all over you.

Answer 2

Unfortunately, you are mistaking "friend" for acquaintance. Someone who acts in the manner that you have described is not your friend. This doesn't mean that you should treat her poorly, but it does mean that you don't exercise the level of care that you would a friend.

Explain simply that in your excitement at the prospect of throwing a weekend party at the country house, you invited too many people and that you find that you can only accommodate a small number. Explain that you were pleased to see her at dinner last week and that you hope that the two of you can get together in the near future.

Something like:
"Oh Elaine, I am so embarrassed. I was so excited about throwing a party at the house in the country that I invited way too many people and I can't possibly accommodate everyone. I hope that you understand......I had a nice time at dinner last week and hope that we can get together again when I’m back in town...."

This way she knows that she is not invited...BUT you have done it in a friendly, non-confrontational way. A lady does NOT go out of her way to show her up or insult her or repay someone else's bad manners with the same.

Also remember that some...and I do mean only SOME people do not know that they are being passive aggressive. She may feel that by insulting the restaurant, others feel that she is more successful or classier. This is often simply an insecurity issue and not necessarily an attempt to belittle you. Some people though are simply jerks.

best wishes

Answer 3

You could go the polite way and lie by telling her the dinner has recently been canceled, OR you could go the blunt way and flat out tell her that her harshly opinionated attitude is quite rude and uncalled for (which, by what I read, is pretty accurate).

Personally, I'd go with Plan A, but that's because I'm a relatively nice person and I don't like for people to even get slighty upset with me. Tell her you had a bunch of people cancel at the last minute and there's really no reason to throw the party anymore since so few people would be coming. You could even have someone "accidentally" mention something about the party to her afterwards so she more or less gets the hint.

However, I have delt with such people as the woman in your story and have occasionally gotten to the point where it was apparent that sugar-coating and hinting around to certain things was no longer getting the job done (if it was even doing its job in the first place). If you think she won't quite get the hint if she's told the dinner party was "cancelled" and you want to tell her how her attitude affects your life and those around you, go for it. Just try to be as gentle as you can because this woman obviously has a short fuse. Tell her you think her forward personality would clash with other peoples' at the party. If she can't accept the fact that she's a royal pain, just stop talking to her altogether. Trust me, all she'll do is cause you unneeded stress.

Good luck!

Answer 4

Two ways to deal with it. Sneaky vs Honest.

Sneaky.

Have your husband or son call her during the period of time you know she will be out of the house. Have them make this call from a pay phone or use call blocker. Have them leave a message on her answering machine that the date and time of the party has been changed to some weekend LATER than the actual weekend. This would be best done the week before the actual weekend.

She will either accept the call and act upon it, in which case she will NOT show up for the correct weekend and will show up for the FAKE weekend or she will call you before hand to confirm the change.

Do not answer the phone. Use caller ID and your answer machine to screen the calls.

HONEST.

Tell her that after having changed the time of the last dinner for her, and having her complain about your choice of restaurants in front of your friends you do not feel you wish to rekindle the friendship. You did fine without having heard from her for a long time and if that same situation continues, you will not have a problem. Tell her that you are uninviting her for the weekend as you and your friends do not want a weekend of her passive aggressive BS.

Answer 5

Wow! I am not usually for any kind of lies, but this may actually warrant one. I think I would call and tell her that you are so sorry, but you are just not going to be able to accomodate all the people you originally invited. Even make it sound as if the hotel is responsible!

If she acts out about it, tell her that since she seemed so unhappy at your last dinner, you really didn't think she'd mind the cancellation.

Be short, sweet, and to the point. And whatever you do, don't back down and let her come anyway! People like this continue to act like they do because others allow them to! Don't enable her any further! Draw the line on her bad behavior! Who knows, in the future, she might see the light!

Answer 6

Tell her that after the scene she made at the Chinese restaurant, you are very sorry, but to avoid her embarrassing you again you must rescind her invitation to the party in the country. Then cut all ties with this woman. Anyone who would speak to you like that in front of a group of your friends is not someone you need to spend time worrying about!

Answer 7

Lay down in front of a bus much? Why did you get yourself entangled with this cow?

Okay, here's how you deal with her and make it clear that it's her own fault: Phone her and say, "You know Cow, I've been thinking about some of the things you've said and I've decided you're right. The dinner I've got planned in the country is going to be of the same caliber as the Chinese dinner we had a few weeks ago. I know this is not up to your usual standard, so I've taken the liberty of removing you from the guest list in lieu of something more appropriate to your lifestyle in the future. I'll be in touch about it when I get things organized." (Naturally, such an event will never take place!) Should she begin to object, stay calm, and very firmly tell her, "No, I won't hear of it. You're absolutely right. Another time will be better for you." Or, "It's already done, my dear, no more worries." Or, "No problem, it's done. Well be in touch soon. Goodbye." Make her understand that it is done, arrangements have been made and your resolve to acquiesce to her wishes is firm.
Then hang up, smile to yourself and say, "Gotcha!"
:)

Answer 8

How horribly embarrassing that must have been for you-wow! I would simply let her know that you are going to have to cancel the upcoming holiday weekend, no explanation is needed, however she sounds like the prodding type so just let her know that something has come up and the plans are off. In the future just avoid her, don't answer her calls etc. I wish you the best of luck and hope that you aren't subject to this kind of humiliation in the future by her.

Answer 9

Are you sure it is a womand becaue is sure sounds like an ex friend of mine, Rick.

He is the type of person you coudl call up and say "Hey are are going to dinner at Maggie's tonight and thought you might like to join us?"

and he would say, "Would love to, but Maggies that is soooo last month, lets make it brunch at The Cafe and I want to invite 17 people you never met. You'll need to contribute 24.00 because four of my friends don't have any money...."


I would simply tell her the plan fell through and not mention anything to her about anything ever again.

Answer 10

Tell her in a nice way that your dinner party has been postponed, and will keep her posted of upcoming events.(obviously don't) Make up a couple of excuses, other guests are not going to make it, oh, it's too many people, it's too much work, it's a whole weekend, and you don't have the time, you'll have other family flying in, etc. And that you'll have to do better planning.

Answer 11

Wow!! This is a tough one! However, under the circumstances of her rudeness, I would hate to see your weekend ruined by her. I would probably call her, say the plans had changed (that's very vague) and that hopefully we'd be in touch later. If she's got any sense, she'll know she's been axed. If not, at least you can enjoy your weekend with real friends and deal with her as little as possible in the future.