My family has never found out about the abuse i suffered at the hands of my father and my cousin. It began when i was 2 and lasted till 3rd grade when my mom divorced my dad and my cousin committed suicide. Growing up my family always just considered me the "bad seed," and never really tried to figure out why a 2 yr old would begin acting the way that i did. I didn't straighten myself out until around 18 years of age, I worked through the feelings about my abuse and have moved on.
I want to share with my family what I went through so that maybe they can begin to understand who I am a little better, but honestly do not feel it is my responsibility to help them through the feelings they will inevitably have about the abuse and myself. I don't feel it is my job to help them, they never helped me. Is this selfish of me, should I share with them and make myself available to talk about their feelings or keep it to myself and let them continue to think negatively about me?
2007-09-11 05:50:19 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Family
Being as they always have considered you the bad seed, my first concern would be are you prepared for when they possibly accuse you of lying or even blame you for what happened to you?
I don't think it's selfish at all to not want to assist them, if you feel they will not act in too negative of a fashion I would suggest leaving yourself open to them talking to you but make them make the first move after you disclose what has happened.
Possibly, if you decide to tell them, the best way would be to confide in the one that appears most receptive first rather than having any sort of group meeting. This helps in two ways, firstly it may help you better prepare for the actions of everyone else and even help you decide about telling everyone else. Secondly, if you then want to move forward you can utilize them as moral support when you tell the others.
2007-09-11 05:59:57 · answer #1 · answered by Manny 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
My wife suffered sexual molestation by both of her brothers. She did not tell her mother until only a couple of years ago, when my wife was 51. What she wanted to see from her mother was concern and for her to be upset about what happened.
What she got was sort of what she wanted, but not the real expected response. Her mother did get upset, but she used her normal self-defense mechanisms and promptly forgot what my wife told her.
That is exactly why the abuse happened in the first place. My mother-in-law closes her eyes to things she does not want to see. The truth is that most parents know that something is happening that should not be even if they do not know exactly what it is.
You are right not to feel responsible to manage anyone else's emotions. They certainly were not there for you. Just be prepared to not get the response that you think will follow such a revelation.
Even if you do not get the proper response, you should still feel better for having released the secret. Secrets are incredibly painful and getting them out is a great release.
Take care,
Troy
2007-09-11 06:06:51 · answer #2 · answered by tiuliucci 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You sound very resentful.....did they know about the abuse? If they did, then you need a mediator. If they did not know, then allowing them to share in your feelings, will permit them to understand your behaviors growing up. Remember to resent the ones who abused you! Being angry is part of it, but make sure you direct it to the right channel. No, it is not your job to help them, but it is your job to at least let them know why you act, feel, respond, and behave the way you do. You say you have moved on, but I think this is still very much apart of who you are right now. Until you share this with your family, there is no closure. Ask yourself what you really want from them? They may surprise you and now the pieces of the puzzle will finally be in place. Why can't all of you go through this together? You all will need to be able to be available for reaching out. You use the word "share". Then you need to experience all that goes with this. You sound very strong, then let go and let healing begin!! God Bless!
2007-09-11 07:27:18 · answer #3 · answered by kymmy_kins 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋
I definitely think you should tell them, and do what you can with what happens. If you feel you can handle their feelings on it then let them talk to you. But if you feel you cannot handle it then tell them and let them know you do not want to hear anymore about it, but I think the truth should be told.
My mom went through the same thing, my grandfather abused 21 family members including myself. She told my grandma when I was 16 and honestly everyone was mad at her for it, but they had all known about it and decided years ago to not tell my grandma. For my mom it was something she had to do, and I am glad she did. It caused a lot of pain and hard feeling in the family but the truth was finally out.
What always got me was he was the bad guy, not her and they all were angry with her for telling, people are so crazy.
Do what you need to do for your well being and let them deal with it however they will.
Good luck and do not let any of them make you feel guilty for bringing it up now, he is in the wrong, not you.
2007-09-11 06:00:25 · answer #4 · answered by Miss Coffee 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I would place money on the bet that your mother knows. She may not know it all but she had a gut feeling. Bringing up the past isn't always a good thing. you need to decide if you are doing it to help you or hurt those arouond you. If there are chances that your father is doing it to another child then tell. Write him a letter and tell him what he did to youand I'm not talking about just the physical part (you don't have to send it ). Find a good councelor or group to help and support you.
2007-09-11 06:04:30 · answer #5 · answered by redsky_too_nite 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
first, have you seen your father since the age of 3rd grade?
i would tell them honestly and bluntly, but be prepared for their response, it may not be what you want to hear or it could. although you must remember it is not your responsibility for how they feel or act. hopefully you dont believe that you are a bad seed--because you are not, you have gone through a horrific experience- trust issues with men, especially if one was your father. ( ihope you were able to face him and tell him exactly what he put you thru and how long it took you to work through all the emotions and if you havent, write him a letter and mail it, you will feel so much better)
after you tell them they will have to deal with themselves, unfortunately your mother will feel guilty and yes she should have noticed some signs that it was going on and i am sure you were upset with her for that.
you are not being selfish at all, you do what you have to do for yourself and dont worry about them. and if they dont believe you; that is something they will have to work out with themselves.
just always remember, you do what you have to do for yourself and dont stress over what ANYONE thinks about you. you should be proud of yourself for what you have gone through and overcome, (i personally give you ALOT of credit and think you are a strong person)
you can keep yourself open if they wish to discuss, just keep it "as a matter of fact" and dont let any drama bother you.
YOU GO GIRL!!!!
2007-09-12 08:40:42 · answer #6 · answered by WILDFIREJOANN 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Any why your choose to deal with it is your decision. No I don't think that you should "help" anyone with their feelings ... you do whats right for you.
However, I would ask that you write your thoughts and experiences down on paper ... like journal....
Take your time and make it comprehensive and clear .
Now put it away for a week or two and then re-read it.
When you finish tweaking and adjusting it.
Make a copy for everyone you wish to share your information with and let them "deal" in their own time and way.....
And keep proper names out of if ... just refer to folks by first names .... in case the wrong person reads it ... your privacy remains intact.
I wish you luck, and congrats on the making it.....
Good Luck
2007-09-11 06:23:10 · answer #7 · answered by John 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If you haven't already, talk to a counselor, they are trained in dealing with these issues. Organizations like RAINN may also be helpful.
My mother thinks negatively of me for a different reason which, although minor, she won't give over. 25 years later, that hasn't changed, in spite of what I have done in life. Telling them what happened doesn't guarantee they'll understand and even if they do, that doesn't mean they will change their opinion of you.
I think you should only worry about dealing with these experiences yourself and making the best life you can for yourself, and don't worry about what they think.
2007-09-11 06:07:10 · answer #8 · answered by dapriz6 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
i am not a professional , but i feel the main thing for you is to rise above the situation and forgive . to bring up issues will lead to more strife and anger when there needs to be healing , put it in gods hands , do what's best for you and forgive . then you will find peace . i would also advise seeing a counsler in order for you to lay it all out on the table pick up the pieces you want to keep and leave the rest .
2007-09-11 06:04:36 · answer #9 · answered by david m 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I assume you're comfortable with counseling? I really wouldn't attempt this without the help of a counselor. They will help you to develop a strategy, and support you afterward, particularly if it goes really badly.
This will be a continuation of the journey for you, too, not something that happened "after." I strongly encourage you to do it only within a therapeutic alliance.
2007-09-11 05:53:45 · answer #10 · answered by Singinganddancing 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋