Should I offer to take a 3-year old grand daughter from grandmother (friend of mine) who has huge $ issues?

Question

She has legal custody, the biological mother has serious health issues. She said that she was going to designate the child to come here if anything happened to her. She has recently had to move to a small rental room where her husband and the two children (the 3-year old and a 11 year old girl) are living all together. She is having problems paying for child care (2-weeks behind). She has discussed that we should spend more time with the child so we would know each other. She doesn't seem to be able to afford her needs now, and if DHR knew they would probably take the kids away.

So what could I say? I would like to offer to take her now, but how do I do that without sounding offensive?

I actually wrote this for my mother,

I am adopted (so they are eligible) I am 22

There are other siblings, the mother seems to be busy having as many kids as she can (she just had a baby, and she's pregnant again, different fathers)

The grandmother just happens to have two of them now, they haven't had the youngest the whole time either

It's honestly a huge mess

My mother worked with the other woman (grandmother, ...and daughter even for a while) for a long time, and they talk on the phone almost every day

They were thinking of my mom adopting the new baby but then the daughter (who has mental issues) drove herself to the hospital and tried to sneak around (thinking that way noone would talk her child she isn't allowed to keep) and of course they did.

But the grandmother says she can't even care for those she has, she hints (sounding like maybe she is ill & worried) and we will have her then,

but their situation keeps getting worse and worse

Answer 1

Maybe you could try just giving her the hint, as I'm sure that is what she is trying to hint to you. Maybe she is letting pride get in her way. Let her know that if she needs you sooner rather than later, you are available and willing at anytime to step in and that you understand the situation. Let her know you are only thinking of the kids and you want to help. If you have discussed this before, I'm sure she won't be offended by anything you have to say.

Answer 2

Can you handle taking both girls? If so, I would offer to take them both, just because I can't imagine the kids sharing the one room with them being a great idea. On the other hand, the older girl may not wish to be separated from her grandmother - I know I wouldn't have in her shoes. But I would still offer and let them decide.

Based on what she has already said to you, I don't think she is going to find it offensive if you ask. Just say something like "Jane, I know you are having a hard time right now, and it can't be easy with all of you cramped into that rental room. You've always been such a good friend to me that I've been thinking it was time I returned the favor by helping you with with the girls, if it's okay with you. I've been considering taking them both in case they don't want to be separated, but I understand if the older child would rather stay with you. And if now is not the time, I just want you to know the offer is on the table when and if it becomes necessary."

Answer 3

Honestly, if the grandmother's problems in caring for the child are just financial, you'd probably be helping more if you offered to help out financially (which, of course, is part of what you'd be doing if you took the child on full-time) -- then the child could stay with her sibling and grandmother, whom she probably knows and loves. I know it's not as rewarding to be funding a child as raising one, but consider what's best for the little girl.... It's wonderful of you to want to help, and of course you can offer, but you may break three hearts (the girl, the grandmother, and the sibling) if you break up the family, whereas you might be able to help everyone by, say, offering to help pay for childcare and babysit occasionally.....

Answer 4

Perhaps social services could assist with a transition .

I do Not know what yours is like , and their professionalism varies from place to place but ,
Perhaps you could first meet with social services to find out if you are qualified to be a foster family ?
I would not mention the 3 yr old yet , but rather see if you can establish yourself as eligible .

Once that is done , and you are certified , perhaps the 2 of you could inquire about the child moving to your place .
Your friend has already requested that you spend more time with the child ,
Start doing that if you are serious , because it would be traumatic for the child to be passed on a third time were you to take her in then , change your mind .

Our prayers are with you and the child .

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Answer 5

If your work schedule allows you to, you could offer to take care of the girl instead of the sitter. Or for a few hours anyway. I do not feel separating the children would be in their best interest. They have been through a lot together and they probably rely on the emotional comfort they get form one another. Offer to bring them dinner once a week, offer sitting, offer your washer and dryer so they don't have to pay for the laundromat, offer anything except splitting up the children.

Answer 6

Well, if you take the 3 year old, how will the 11 year old feel? Offer to take both. All you have to do is say this to the grandmother: "You know, I would love to help you with the two girls. If at any point things get overwhelming, I would be willing to take custody of the two girls."

Answer 7

This is a very delicate matter. You are tempted to intervene because the children are living in unsatisfactory conditions, and maybe for your own personal motives. Why should the two children be separated from each other? Why would you only care for the 3 year old?

It sounds to me like you are not an objective judge of the situation, and should BUTT OUT.

Answer 8

there is nothing offensive about asking to help some one out during a bad time.

just ask.