How can I overcome my guilt?

Question

My mother told me that she is still married to my father for the financial security for my brother and I. She has been miserable with him for all of my 22 years and says she has to stay married to him because my brother and I "wouldn't know how to live."

Despite the fact that she made her own bed, is depressed and not taking her meds, and has been unfaithful to my father (I caught her cheating when I was 18, my brother recently discovered she is talking to her ex-husband again), I still feel enormous guilt, regardless of the fact that it is illogical.

How can I overcome my guilt? How can I ease my brother's guilt? He is only 14 and has enough problems. It just kills me to think that he feels as I do. I have an enormous weight on my shoulders.

Is her behavior normal or abusive?

Answer 1

It was foolish and unkind of your mother to tell you that she is only still with your father to provide financial security for you and your brother. It's not surprising that you feel "guilty", when she is so evidently unhappy with him, and you've been told in effect that if it wasn't for you two boys, she'd have left him a long time ago.

But the "guilt" is not yours. It has been her choice, her decision to stay with a man who apparently makes her miserable, and the result is that she is now suffering from depression. That's understandable, but it's her responsibility, not yours.

Her unfaithfulness is also part and parcel of her unhappiness with your dad. She has been unfair both to him and to you in taking out the consequences of her own decision on the three of you. I wonder whether, in reality, she finds it comforting to tell herself that she's done this for your sake, when in practice, the decision may have been as much for her own sake as for yours.

She has told you that you and your brother "wouldn't know how to live" without your father's financial support. What I suspect she means is that SHE wouldn't know how to live without it. I don't think she's being completely honest either with herself or with you boys about her real reason for opting to stay with your dad.

There are very few women who would opt to be miserable with a partner for 22 years, unless the alternative of leaving and taking responsibility for themselves was just too awful and difficult for them to contemplate. And there are a lot of women with young children, very unhappily married, who DO opt to strike out on their own, because whatever the problems and difficulties of becoming self-supporting whilst raising young children alone, they are preferable to remaining with a man to whom they no longer feel any emotional connection.

Please, please, don't accept the guilt your mother is trying to off-load on to you. I don't suggest that she is doing this consciously, but I'd be very surprised indeed if the reason she gave you for staying with your father is the real one. I think it's her way of justifying to herself the 22 unhappy years she chose when she decided to stay. If she can claim she has done it for her children, she doesn't have to face and take responsibility for the fact that it has proven a disastrous mistake for her.

wimsey

Answer 2

Her behavior is normal for a depressed person. I wouldn't say she is abusive, but I wouldn't take her word on not loving your father anymore. Depression tends to turn people inward so that all they see is their depression. Everything and everyone is a mirror to the depression. This is especially true if her depression is very severe. Realize that your life is not your fault. It was your mother who chose to have you and your brother. You didn't ask to be born.

I think it might be a good idea to suggest family counselling for all of you or to look into support groups for people who's loved ones suffer from depression, so that you can better understand what is happening in your family. Depression has the tendency to effect children of the depressed parent pretty badly.

Answer 3

Why do you feel guilty? I mean you shouldn't feel guilty for someone's actions. if you did anything wrong that should be the only thing to make you guilty. you have to realize that both your brother & you have no control over the circustances. As of your mother, she has been unfaithful before. i do not know whether it has been because of her depression both times but she should definately take her meds regularly. maybe what you can do is try to speak to her about taking her meds regularly. speak to your father about her not taking her meds. when someone is in a state of depression, she does everthing to get away from the depression. although her actions may lead her even deeper into depression.

but i don't think you guys have anything to feel guilty about. You guys had nothing to do with what happened. the only thing you guys have to do right now is to stay strong. you have be there for each other. You have to realize that you mom may not be mentally & emotionally fit to answers many questions you to may have. You guys should just try to get her to take her meds & see her therapist!

Answer 4

Everybody feels guilty of something big or small. Some people want to make a big deal about with the guilty person. Don't let guilt ruin your life. Eventually it'll pass.

Answer 5

Sounds like you are living in a really painful situation and in need of care and understanding ... which your mother does not seem to have the capacity to give due to her relationship with her husband (your father).

I wonder how you can gain all the care and support that you need so that you can independently enjoy a loving and productive life.

Maybe you and your brother can be of assistance to each other...or maybe friends and/or counselling will help further.

I don't think you (or your brother) need to carry the weight of your mother's burdens...unfortunately her challenging relationship with her husband is her problem to carry and resolve.

And don't forget that it is not your role to take parental responsibility for your younger brother ... that belongs to your mother and father too. You can only be there for him as a friend.

Take kind care of yourself and maybe, if you can, try to simply be there for your mother (and father) without carrying the weight of their responsibilities for them.

Just watch their story unfold and see what you can do to create a beautiful life story of your own. Good luck.

Answer 6

Ok first of all YOU have nothing to feel guilty for. You are the one doing these things...your mother is. Ok secondly, don't you feel that your mother is doing all of this for YOU and your brother? I certainly do and I would support her in whatever she's doing. Sure being unfaithful isn't "norm" but neither is staying with a man just to have financial security for her children. Millions...perhaps billions of women have either done or are doing this very thing right now. She's staying to get your brother grown perhaps and then she might decide to make a break...maybe not. Some partners believe in NEVER getting divorced (Italians and Greeks especially). Final note: your mom has given you a wonderful life and has sacrified everything for that...embrace her, don't judge her.

Answer 7

The Devil is our only accuser. Pain can soften a heart, or harden it. If one loves, He is truly Devinne. I have done away with the problem, of which you speak by thinking myself, unworthy and subordinate to those most difficult to love. (I have failed them) ... (Not- There but for the Grace of God go I- -- But- why is that not I) (Not- why me God ---But --why him) I have found it easier to love when i see people as ....... more important that me. (He is speeding because he has a vary important meeting) -( She went through the 12 items or less line because her daughter is waiting at school) Pitiless indifference is the trademark narcissistic people, I know this is not true of you ... A Good Tree Cannot Bear Bad Fruit......Nor can a Bad tree bear Good fruit. Today i inherited a field.......... it will be until next year that i can remove the weeds. Christ was the only perfect.........and we killed Him. God did not give up on you, you are no less than His daughter. Edit: Oregon Flower has said it better.

Answer 8

Why would you be guilty if your mother is the person doing wrong? Try to talk to your brother. He needs your support as much as you need his. Be kind to each other. Be nice to your father too.

Answer 9

I would feel bad for my father yeah, but then again I wouldn't want to be the person bearing the bad news.

Answer 10

Abusive? How would it be abusive? She needs to be on her meds. Both of you should get therapy.