I just can't bring myself to believe! Why not?

Question

I've gone to church all my life, I've read the Bible umpteen times, I've prayed for something... Anything! I just wanted a reason to believe! I asked for ten years, for a touch, a confirmation, NOT A SIGN! I do not want a sign, but just a reason to believe! My friends say I do not need a reason, but I think that is just stupid! Who would do such a thing - believe in something just because someone tells you to?!?! Only a SUCKER would do that!
I tried to study more about Jesus, but couldn't find anything substantive about him in history, and found out about all the dozens of missing books left out of the Bible, and then you have the problems of evil and Hell and blasphemy and etc, etc..
I don't know what God could do to hide Himself any more. All my friends say to do this and that and I have done it all, humbled myself, denied myself, read certain scriptures, quiet myself, waited patiently, ceased from all manner of evil, prayed, fasted and really... Nothing! I quit!

I did read "Mere Christianity" It was compelling, but Lewis' other writings where he doubted Christianity and God, were more compelling (I could relate to that)

Sorry, I've read all the relevant extra-biblical books on God, too. The more I learn, the more the rhetoric is apparent.

Answer 1

You have to learn how to pretend like the other Christians. Maybe you realize how much of a lie blind faith really is.

Answer 2

I can relate, I really can. I have felt exactly the same way many times - and yet, I end up believing. I think to an extent it is like any other "filter" that I look at life through. For instance, if I am convinced that people don't like me, I will start to see evidence of that in many situations. If I think that my husband is cheating, I will see things about his behavior and conversation that reinforce that belief.

Conversely, if I start from a belief that most people enjoy and approve of me, the same situations will not make believe that someone dislikes me. If I am secure in the love of my husband, I won't be hearing double meanings in everything he says.

I think my experience with God has worked very much like this. When I have done exactly what you have done - tried and tried to figure it out, through a filter that (for me) was saying "This doesn't make sense, this doesn't work", then nothing lined up. Everything I saw, experienced, read, lead me to feel that I couldn't get any real handle on belief. But when I just let myself open up to the possibility that He loved me just like I am, just for me - and maybe I wouldn't understand it, just have to accept it - and just relaxed into it (kind of like floating in a pool, it seems counter-intuitive to trust the water, but you have to or you sink) - then suddenly I saw lots of reasons to believe. Little things that were so obviously gifts that God put here to make us happy. The joy of just feeling worship swell up inside. But the letting go and choosing to believe came first - just like Jesus said - "Blessed are those who do not see and yet believe".

A book you might find interesting if you are still following an intellectual path is "The Case For Christ" by Lee Strobel. Strobel is a journalist who covered legal cases. He was also an atheist who set out to write a book disproving Jesus as God. In the process he became a believer. You may find some of his thoughts interesting and possibly even helpful.

I wish you blessings and I hope you are able to find the faith that is within you.

Answer 3

You are obviously young and have had a fairly good life. Your parents may or may not have been so fortunate - but someone prayed for you. That's the irony.

You are receiving His blessings every day and you don't even know it. When I was agnostic - I said the same thing and then the bottom fell out.

God showed me exactly who He was. He showed me all the top grades and awards I won and great breaks and travel opportunities and jobs and celebs I met were not because I was so brilliant - but because I was so blessed.

But what a curse not to know it..... It has taken me years to get back to the top - and I could not do it on my own. I was Job. It was soooo hard without Him. I have never repented so much in all my life. It's treacherous without Him.

People work really hard - some two jobs - they experience sickness and disease.... It's crazy. With Christ - we get promotions - financial increase - and the best part is He heals our sickness and disease.....

You don't know how good you've got it my friend...I will not live a day without Christ in my heart ever again. I am so grateful we serve a merciful God.

Answer 4

I have had several people ask the questions that you are asking. My response to them is to suggest that they read "The Case for Faith" by Lee Strobel. He was a journalist with the Chicago Tribune who worked on high profile cases. During that time his wife Leslie became involved in the church. Lee thought this was all hogwash and in his quest to prove that he came face to face with God. The book states that there are 8 basic question that keep people from beleiving or those questions hinder their faith. They are the same questions that you just posted.
He also wrote a book called the "Case for Christ" in which he directs you towards all of the historical information you have been looking for.
I encourage you to read this book before you make such a huge decision. Please know that my ministry and I will be praying for you. Hopefully that offers you some comfort.
Sharon

Answer 5

I had a long answer typed out, then accidentally deleted it!!!!! What a bummer! I will try to get the flavour of what I had written.

You are right that believing something just because you are told to is stupid. That is a great way to fall for a cult or anything!!!!!

The problem could be that you are not seeking with a truely open heart. You may believe it is open, but are you really closing your eyes to what God is trying to show you? Many people say they are looking for God, but what they are really looking for is an excuse not to believe. You may not even know you are doing it. You really need to examine yourself on this one -- I can't tell if this is the fact or not since I don't know you. But I do know one thing -- God doesn't want to hide Himself -- He desperately wants to reveal Himself. We just have to seek openly.

You say that Lewis's arguements against God are more compelling than his arguements for Him. Apparently this wasn't the case for Lewis himself, since he obviously converted!!!!! He himself may not have fully believed what he wrote at first, but may have been trying to convince himself until he could no longer fool himself and had to give in and face facts! Again, I don't know for sure if this is true, but it makes sense to me.

You may want to check out this site: http://thinkingofgod.blogspot.com The entry about eternity and the one about building the earth in 7 days are really good food for thought.


Also, here is my blog of God's work in my life personally: http://evidenceofgod.blogspot.com

I sincerely hope this helps. I will pray and fast for you.

Answer 6

I so understand your feelings.
Sometimes I wish I could have blind childlike faith... but that is not my nature. Belief can not be forced (brainwashing/self delusion can be)
Sometimes I am bitter, sometimes I have hope. In my own journey I have come to believe that if there is truth to the existence of God and a spirit realm which interacts with the physical realm, all religions/spiritual paths reveal different aspects of the essence of "god" All are also corrupted by men who try to define the incomprehensible and contain him for their own purposes.

Answer 7

my prayers 2 u feel w/in your heart. Jesus is love, God so loved the world he gave his only begotten son... Christianity isn't 4 every1, but you have 2 know him 4 yourself... have u seen the movie 16 Blocks starring Bruce Willis & Mos Def or Fallen w/Denzel Washington just 2 give u suntin 2 think about

Answer 8

Ask the Holy Spirit to guide you. You can follow Jesus with obedience if you love Him.

Answer 9

John, watch the Mass today, Sept 11 at noon on EWTN on Television or on the internet at ewtn.com. I pray you will be touched by grace.

Answer 10

Maybe it's faith that you lack! I don't know what your situation or what your life is like besides what you have described but God Does not deny those who confide in him but you have to have faith! Please don't quit! God loves you.
God Bless you!