My girlfriend messed pretty bad up in the past. I found out from a friend and confronted her at the time. She fessed up, appologised, wishes she could take it back, and wants to move on.
I'd like to move on but I keep hearing inconsistant details about what she did and I'll ask her about it and she'll lie, deny it, or dodge it. She doesn't want to tell me everything... she wants me to accept the general nature of it and move on.
I want her to be completely 100% honest about everything that happened. I do love her but I need to trust her to continue with the relationship.
Months later It bothers me to think that there's still more to the story. It feels unfinshed. Everytime I bring it up, she gets mad and tells me to just move on. If I don't drop it starts a fight.
Do I accept it that it's been dealt with and move on? Or is my need for closure justified? I don't want it to happen again but I don't want to drive her away either. Any opinions?
2007-09-10 15:56:24 · 14 answers · asked by dia0s 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Singles & Dating
There could be certain details from what she did that could end the relationship as far as I'm concerned. She knows this.
I'm not sure why she's even lying about it at all. There may be nothing more of importance to the story... and all her dodging could just be because it upsets her to bring it up again. Or, she could be hiding something because she doesn't want us to break up and she knows it will.
I have no idea. But really, I'm still not right with it and it only takes a passing thought of it to upset my mood with her... causing more problems.
The actual inccident happened 6 months ago. So apart time doesn't work. I do want to be with her still... but I need a creative way to figure out the reasoning behind her lying and dodging without actually forcing a breakup by doing so.
2007-09-10 16:20:36 · update #1
If it's that important to you to know all the details then you should tell her just that. It doesn't really matter what anyone else thinks, only you know what's right for you. So I guess you need to sit her down and tell her what you've told us and how important it is for you to her 100% of the truth, no matter how bad it is, from her directly. Hopefully you two can work it out so that you really can move on. Perhaps she's afraid that if you hear the whole story she'll lose you. If you're really serious about your relationship, I think you'll have to try to reassure her that you won't bolt once you hear the whole truth and nothing but the truth... you WON'T bolt will you?
2007-09-10 16:04:14 · answer #1 · answered by spiffy 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Don't take no or any other bullcrap she gives you if you ask her about it. To tell you the truth, she's acting very immature and selfish. If you are continuing to stay in some sort of relationship with her, you deserve every right to know what happened, lest it happens again or worse. If she still truly likes or loves you, either as a friend or someone more important, why can't she just come out and tell the simple truth? The fact that she keeps telling you to move on means she, too, is still very affected by what happened. Keeping it bottled up, however, will help no one get anywhere.
2007-09-10 16:04:45 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
You should really trust me on this:
If it's still bothering you, you're never going to get over this without spending some broken-up time, and probably dating other people, before you can expect to resume things normally.
You don't need to know all the gory details. You need time apart. This type of thing can honestly be reduced to behavioral reinforcements. If she can mess up this badly and then go forward with it by simply admitting, saying sorry and expressing regret, she still doesn't have to worry about you sticking around. She needs to know that messing up like this ends relationships. She'll only know that if this relationship hits an end, at least for now.
2007-09-10 16:00:33 · answer #3 · answered by Buying is Voting 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Now, this is going to seem a bit obvious, but ask yourself, do you really want to know? Even if it isn't what you want to hear. If yes, pursue this. I am sure this is important to you judging on the tone in your question. Honesty is very important in a healthy relationship. If there isn't honesty, you are basically dating a stranger. I understand that it hurts to confront the past and it is much easier to not look back. But, items in the rearview mirror may be closer than they appear.
2007-09-10 16:11:04 · answer #4 · answered by . 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Wake up man. If she cheated on you just say it. Here is the deal your letting her walk all over you. If in fact she did cheat; you my friend are reassuring that it is OK by staying with her. She can be subconsciously saying that I got away with it once, so there are know real serious reproductions if I do it again. Pack your bags my Friend; cut your losses. Take a grieving period for yourself, and find an honest girl out there. You will fell better about yourself once you get over it. Good luck.
2007-09-10 16:04:17 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
Knowing all of the details will not make it go away or keep it from happening again. Nagging her to find out all of the details will probably drive her away. It is done, it is over with and you can't do anything to change it. Just set your boundaries with her and her begavior. If she crosses them again, then you know it is time to move on without her.
2007-09-10 16:02:18 · answer #6 · answered by Yomi 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Something like this happened for me with my ex. Something happened to her with someone that she trusted, and she felt betrayed by that person, and she felt like she betrayed me as well. I would always ask her about it, because i could tell she wasn't telling me everything that went on. This always led to fights, even months later.
Point of this being, is that she was truly sorry, and she told me everything that I NEEDED to know. Afterwards she never put herself in a situation like that again. You must just understand that you know what you need to in her eyes, and try and trust her again.
2007-09-10 16:02:09 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
You still don't trust her yet, or you wouldn't be stressing over it. Trust is a main factor in all relationships, without it, what have you got. If she has not completely confessed to you, there is something however good or bad, she is keeping mum about. Must be big....BEWARE. But....
She's right, move on. Just move on without her. Move on to someone better. Someone worth the worry, worth the hassle, worth your trust mate. There is plenty out there. You just have to find one...
2007-09-10 16:07:29 · answer #8 · answered by tepania4 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
your need for closure is absolutely justified. How can you even begin to trust her if she is still lying? If there is more to the story there is a reason why she is not giving you that info... try and check it out!
2007-09-10 16:02:14 · answer #9 · answered by *blah blah* 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
your need for closure is justified! and if she's not being understanding and emotionally available then she doens't truly care for you. Also be careful becasue if you take her back she will think she can treat you however she wants...maybe you should leave her for a bit and show her that you don't need her, the see what happens.
2007-09-10 16:00:31 · answer #10 · answered by ~♥ Sicilia D ♥~ 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋