Family member being bad influence on my children. HELP!?

Question

Small little things that undermine my rules
like eating whole big bags of chips before sending them home before dinner,
giving them caffeine when I am trying to limit it...
cussing up a storm in front of them,
sending my 11 y/o daughter home with shirts that show her belly thouugh I've told her not to many times,
buying high heels when I've already told her she's not allowed to wear them,
"What Mom doesn't know won't hurt her"
"we won't tell her"

This family member has young ones at home and raises them different than I raise mine - but I let her difference be her choice. (Her 2 y/o has been drinking sodas as her main drink since before she could hold the can or cup.) Why can't she do the same?

Important thing I didn't mention that many of you bring up:
She lives on the farm with us. Different house, but within 200 yards and helps us with the farming every day. Ceasing the contact isn't an option. I've got to combat this thing with her still staying in the picture.

She doesn't baby sit the kids. Also, this is my husband's oldest child.

Answer 1

This is tricky... she is your husband's daughter and sounds like you don't want to cause a drift between you and your hubby... is this right?
Does he not see that this is an issue for the immediate family?
You seriously need to make a decision and stick to it. Are you avoiding conflict?
I suggest you bring in your husband and discuss how serious this issue is and have a common goal and clear outcome... or else they will all undermine you.

Good luck!

Answer 2

You know what.... I'm starting to have the same problem with my mother-in-law and her husband. They've been watching my daughter 4 days a week ever since I went back to work after maternity leave. My daugher is now 2 1/2. We just took a week long vacation and realized that my daughter wanted soda pop and candy all the time, without eating her normal meals. She KNOWS she can't have these things when she's at home, so she never really asks for it on a normal day. It's at Mamaw and Papaw's house that she gets that stuff, so when she was away from them for a week, she thought we'd give in. My husband told them over the weekend that she is not to drink anymore pop whatsoever and IF she gets any candy at all, she is to EARN it by eating her regular meal first (or by going on the potty). They better listen because if they don't, we will have someone else watch her instead. If we threaten that, they should straighten up, but hopefully it doesn't come down to that.

Answer 3

You're the Mom - they're not. Let your kids know in advance what your expectations are and tell them that when they are confronted with something that goes against your values, they are to say, "No, thank you." You might want to have a little talk with the "other family member" and let him/her know, in a kind, respectful way, that unless they treat your kids the way you want them treated, visits will have to be severely limited. If you don't have the stomach for this, make sure you and the kids are busy or have plans when invited over. Soon, someone may get the message.

Answer 4

Check in with yourself why you have made those decisions, revise them if you think you need to, if not stand strong and make it clear to that person what you allow and dont allow and maybe give them the reasons why so they at least can consider your wants. If your view are still not respected then stop the contact or limit it to minimum. Its easy to get into a battle and wanting your own way it just pays sometimes to check in with yourself that you are making the best decision for you and your child. ie big bag of chips isnt healthy and will stop your child from eating what you have cooked (which hopefully is a lot healthier), also wasting your time, effort, food and money if you have to throw it away.
Caffeine - bad for your health - keeps child awake at night, school suffers, behaviour etc etc
All seem like perfectly good reasons for you not to want your child to have them.

The what mom doesnt know etc just teaches your child to be deceptive and disrespectful.

Good luck - I get it from my parents all the time and my neighbour.

Answer 5

You need to be up front with her. Tell her that you don't allow your children to do those things. I understand it may be hard to limit the contact they have with each other, but it may be necessary to find another arrangement for your children if things get out of hand. These are not little issues, these are big issues that go against how you have chosen to raise your children. If she cannot understand after you sit down with her and tell her that the things she is doing is making you uncomfortable, then you really need to look into changing your situation. You may also need to have a conversation with your children (depending upon how old they are) and let them know that even though your family member allows them to do certain things and behave in certain ways, you do not and you expect them to adhere to your guidelines even if you aren't there.

Good luck to you.

Answer 6

You need to tell this family member straight out that you do not want your children doing those things (I think you're totally right on limiting the caffeine and reining in on the way your daughter dresses- I can't believe some mothers allow their daughters to dress like that and go out in public). If she can't handle that, then don't allow your children to be over there. If she is your primary source of day care, you may have to spend some money and go elsewhere.

Answer 7

If you've tried all the basics, (like talking to her) then it's time for some extreme action.

Take the shirts and burn them, or shred them. Break the heels off the shoes. Next time they drink a soda without your permission, they're grounded from all sugar. See how long this family member likes wasting her money on clothes/shoes that just get ruined. See how long your kids like being grounded for listening to her.

Answer 8

If at all possible, stop sending your children to this relatives house. I would call and explain why and I would tell my children why. You have tried everything else. You children are your greatest investments. You can't afford to get this wrong. If you are not careful and allow others to so influence your children, there is bound to be a world of trouble.

You children may themselves start to disrespect you and disregard you wishes and rules. Before this starts, nip it in the bud!!!!!

Good Luck.

Answer 9

I am in the same boat. There is nothing wrong with removing your child from that situation. Just don't let her go over. When asked why, simply state there is no respect for you as a mother. This doesn't mean you can't go over there with your daughter. Just don't leave her there alone.

Answer 10

i say stop letting this relative take the child for visits unless you are present to oversee their activities, and if the relative wants to know why, be blunt, because you can't trust that they will follow your rules, and as the parent its your job to teach your child that rules are rules.
no exceptions, not for family or friends, i'm sure she doesn't want someone constantly teaching their child is alright to go behind moms back. because that is what she's teaching your child..