my sister and I have a dispute plz help...?

Question

Ok, I am married. My husband is very picky about somethings. My sister has come to live with us. which, I'm sure my husband isn't thrilled about. I've asked her to keep a low profile and not do things that annoy him. 2 of his pet peeves are leaving the doors open and eating anywhere except the kitchen. my sis is continually leaving the door open. today her little daughter was eating cereal in my pc room. I asked her to take her to the table and my sis got all upset and took her daughter to the car like I was asking her to commit murder. She sat in there with her daughter and cried over it. All I asked was that she make her daughters eat in the kitchen and make sure she shuts the door. Am i asking too much? Am I being too demanding?? Please help.

here is her side: she says I yelled at me and was like 'this is my house, can't u keep the kids at the table? you can't just do what the F you want to do!"

but I tried to talk nicely to her and she rolled her eyes. so i yelled. when i told her that she let the cat in (we have birds and the cat will eat them) she said that she didn't. But, she is the only one home with me. I didn't go near the door, so it had to be her.

also, she said she is contributing. she bought $190 worth of food for the month. That isn't my deal. I don't want anything from her. My hubby already has enough stress. especially because he doesn't really like kids. so having 2 extra around isn't easy for h im. all i'm asking is for her to keep a low profile and try hard not to do things to get on his nerves. why won't she understand this?

Answer 1

It's your house, your rules. She should follow them or hit the highway.

Answer 2

Having been on the side that is taking in relatives, I have to agree with your husband to an extent. And you, although if you were yelling and swearing that was certainly not appropriate at all. The thing your sister needs to understand is that she is not in her own home and while you want her to feel at home, you need her to follow the house rules, which include eating at the kitchen table and closing doors. In fact, if you do not get her to cooperate, you should ask her to find elsewhere to live, because if she cannot manage your house rules as a guest than she has no right to be there. Trust me on this, having her and her children stay is definitely putting a strain on you, your husband and your marriage no matter how much you all love each other, especially when extra children are added into the equation. Your duty is to help your sister, of course, but your priority must be your husband and his feelings. So, bluntly, you are NOT asking too much and you are NOT being demanding .... your sister is being immature and taking advantage of you, and you are certainly doing her no favor if you allow her behavior to continue. Obviously your sis is going through a hard time if she is that emotional, but you have to be careful here that her problems do not become your problems because that just isn't fair to you or your husband.

Answer 3

It would seem your sister is going through an emotional time. The fact that she has to live with you and your husband probably makes her feel like there is something wrong with her. It wouldn't matter what you said or how you said it, her interpretation will be tainted by her current emotional state. Having been in a situation where I had to live in someone else's home for a while, it is uncomfortable and you sometimes feel like you can't do anything right. That doesn't mean you're not a good host, it means emotions can really play havoc with a person's confidence.

Having said that, what you may want to consider is taking your sister aside at a time when things seem to be calm. Tell her you didn't mean for her to get upset and that you're sorry if what you said or the way you said it hurt her. Tell her you're glad to be able to help and that you recognize this isn't an easy situation for her. At the same time, your husband has certain expectations about how things are done in his home and that you are trying to play peace maker in a difficult situation. Ask her if she could please keep a better eye on the kids and make sure they follow the rules of the house as long as they're there.

Your tone, no matter what it is, may be taken the wrong way but there are certain boundaries that need to be set and as long as your sister and her kids are there with you, she needs to do what she can to help ease the situation. Try to be supportive and sensitive to her feelings but also set up some guidelines and ask her to be more diligent in watching the kids to avoid a scene of any kind. Best of luck. I know this isn't easy for any of you.

Answer 4

I don't think you're asking too much - or being too demanding. Afterall - it IS your house. But I think what's lacking is clear communication.

I don't know why she is there with her daughter - but your husband should had said "No." if he didn't want her there. And - you shouldn't yell. Maybe she's in bad place right now. And - maybe you didn't talk to her in a way that you consider "yelling" - as different people have different connotations.

If you can - in a loving way - sit down and come up with a list of rules and expectations that you have of her and her daughter if they are going to stay. Explain - nicely - that it's the only way it really will work.

Have everybody sign it - you, your husband and her - as an agreement. She may add rules too - like "no yelling" or whatever. Put everything on there - especially your husbands pet peeves. Whatever you think will be necessary in order for the four of you to live together peacefully.

Then - if she breaks the rules - well - she's made her choice - and you don't have to be the bad guy - as they will all be rules she agreed to follow.

Good luck.

Answer 5

I think that what you have here is too many people under one roof. It is good to be with family especially in a time of need, but you have to also realize that when staying with anyone, you have to respect the house rules and regulations and you can't treat someone's home like your own.

You and your husband have grown used to having your terrority and boundaries and your husband likes things the way he likes them and it was great of you take your sisters and her children in to your home. Which meant that there were things that had to be altered in your life and your privacy was invaded.

I am not saying that your sister has to walk on egg shells, but there should have been set rules and a set time for her and her children to leave your home before she got there.

Your sister on the other hand may have more freedom in what she does with her children and when you yelled at her and she is already in a tension filled situation, it created more stress and anxiety -- she was overloaded, the children, the breakup or whatever caused her to have to come live with you and your frustration about things not being done the way you and your husband like them to be done and the overcrowded situation.

Talk to your sister. Help her to get whatever it is that she needs to get into her own place where her children can be free to romp and play and eat whereever they want to eat.

While there, let her know that you love her and you respect her but she has to understand that things have changed because you are married and this is how your husband wants his house to look and feel.

Ask her to be more diligent about keeping the doors shut and the cat out and making sure that the children eat only in the kitchen. Tell her you would like to move forward and ask her about her plans for her future and how you can assist her in getting what she needs.

Answer 6

Caretaker nailed it. Your sis is super-sensitive because she's in such a vulnerable situation. She probably already feels unwelcome, considering your husbands POV.

Try to sit and have a chat with her when there is no complaint on the table. Explain that you love her and want to help or you wouldn't have invited her to stay. Then explain that while your husband understands and accepts her situation and need. He also needs her to respect his 2 requests, which are by no means unreasonable.

Tell her that you really want to avoid any further conflict or hurt feelings, but you need her help to achieve that goal.

If she still chooses to be obtuse about the rules, you'll have to be firm and perhaps have your husband lay down the law. It could be that your sister just doesn't respect you enough to follow direction from you. Whereas, she might be more compliant if it came from your husband.

GL

Answer 7

Obviously this isn't a match made in heaven.

As nicely as possible, when you are calm, you need to lay out the rules and make sure she knows why you have them. I am guessing she is a single mom, either through a marital breakup or for other reasons. She has a certain amount of stress, which has to be dealt with one way or another.

Try to show her and her daughters as much love as you can, but be firm. Make sure your husband is "on board." with this approach. Your sister isn't forever. Your husband should be.

Be a little bit patient and try to be the peacemaker. And help your sister find a more permanent home.

Answer 8

I have learned dealing with my troubled brother that sibling stuff may be very strong in the relationship between brothers and sisters but it is not recognized as such.
Boundary issues between siblings is related to recognition and acceptance issues about life and status in general which are often contested early and not completely resolved between family members, or/and it is a subconscious problem that raises its ugly head at the wrong time.
I suggest you take the issue up in a reasonable setting like say a local coffee shop and talk about the difficulties of arranging boundaries between adults like in husband and wife stuff, and then image the added problems of throwing some relatives in the mix. These boundaries are very different and more complex than and family boundaries of old, but they are, or can be, debilitating over a short run if not managed well.
Maybe a trip to Barns and Noble might help. Look up interpersonal relationships between family members, like boundaries and so on, and then same with marriages.
For certain, it is a real problem and difficult to impossible if it is recognized as a mixture of old and new issues, old and new playing fields and rules. Throw in a young kid, and you have the makings of a big problem, short of useful insight, patience and recognition by all of the problem.

Answer 9

Firsts of all this is you and your husbands home and she has to respect your home and their are rules that must be followed and if she cannot follow your rules than she should leave simple as that. She leaves the door open and and eats anywhere. Your not being to demanding at all she is a guess in your home and should respect your wishes, because if she doesn't this will cause problems between you and your husband. I know that you are trying to help her out but don't allow her to mess up your happy home.

best of luck

Answer 10

your sister is in a tough place right now and any little thing probably will make her upset I think it really has nothing to do with you its just she's not happy at where she's at in her life and having to adjust to someone else's rule probably makes her feel like a child.
I think the best way to help her is to help her get back on her feet maybe she should try career counseling or go back to school or you can help her network to find a job... be supportive but she needs to set some goals even small ones will help build up her self esteem otherwise this will continue to put a strain on your relationship and I'm sure she doesn't want to be a burden to you

Answer 11

Sounds like your sister is not feeling too good about having to live with you. Why else would she get all emotional about something so petty? She got knocked up by a guy who doesn't want the responsibility of raising his own. Now she is feeling low, having to depend on you. Cut her some slack, she is probably depressed about the whole situation. talk to your hubby too, maybe he can bend the rules a little to accommodate and keep the peace.