I am a 30 yr old man getting married in about 3 months but i have heard from many people that children are an emotional and financial drain on the parents. I fear that my anxiety and depression will increase if i have children, especially if (god forbid) they happen to have a medical condition or are congenitally deformed etc (i am very pessimistic). I have enough of my own worries. Then the extra stress of marriage and children may again send me into the deadly spiral of depression. I am taking antidepressants and other meds but they help me to the point where i can barely handle my own job and other worries. I am in no way ready for any additional worries. Any more stress can completely break me down. On the other hand, people tell me that having children and caring for them is one of the most rewarding and fulfilling experience and brings great joy in life. It is not a source of stress but a source of happiness. (probably not when they r rebellious teenagers!). Please Help.
2007-09-10 05:56:50 · 17 answers · asked by Bob 1 in Pregnancy & Parenting ➔ Parenting
If you are that afraid to have kids, then don't do it because your headaches will get worse and your wallet will not be fat for many, many years. It wouldn't be fair to the child to have to live with a parent that didn't really want them.
2007-09-10 06:03:43 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Honestly I was the same as you. But Im only 20. I was very very depressed I was put on part time because how bad I got. I have a son which changed my life. I was very happy once I had him. I looked at life completely different. Don't have a baby just because people tell you to, don't have a baby unless you have the room for one, that can be very stressful if you don't have the room and make sure that if you have a baby that you have some money saved up in case something happens. 3 months after I had my son I found out I was pregnant again. He had a lot of health problems. But I wasn't depressed about it.... You can't be worried about that. I was watching my son hooked up to oxygen, iv was in the fore head.... he had wires everywhere. And all I could think about was that it was my son and I had to be there for him. He needs me more than ever
Having a baby isn't easy and at times you will feel like there is no light at the end of the tunnel but then you look at your child and realize things are better then you think. I never thought I could have made it a week with my son... He is now 2 years old. Just remember what don't kill you can only make you stronger. You could have the worst day at work but come home and you baby just looks at you with one glance he or she is flashing a gum less smile from ear to ear. And you can't help but smile right back.
Having a baby changes you as a person. But for me it was the better. I hated life before I had my son. Nothing made me smile. Now just watching my two boys grow up is amazing. And I feel so much happier with them.
If you think you are ready to have a baby then go for it. But if ont then its ok to wait.
2007-09-10 06:13:51 · answer #2 · answered by crazy_cat_lady 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I have struggled for most of my adult life with the effects of severe childhood abuse. I blocked some of my memory of childhood and didn't remember it until after I married and had my first child. I am saying all the above to get to this. If I could go back to do something different I would have done my utmost to get help before I married. Back in the 80's it was still considered a social stigma to have emotional/mental problems. I didn't even know what I really needed.
It was a long, lonely road before I found help and healing.
Marriage and family are truly wonderful, but it takes so, so much work and effort to be a spouse and/or a parent. My life and family have worked out, but they suffered because of my problems.
Please don't look to marriage and/or children as a solution to your problems. Family life is challenging and tough, but it's worth it. However, it will take your best effort. It's not about what they can do for you, but what do you and your spouse-to-be each bring to family life as a gift.
I hope you are able to get the physical and psychological help you truly need. I was bad off and If I can change almost anyone can. Good luck to you and your fiance.
2007-09-16 03:12:44 · answer #3 · answered by LeslieAnn 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
A source of happiness for some can be unbearably stressful for others. Not everyone is cut out to be a parent. But you have to be really clear with your your fiancee that this is not something on which you are ever going to change your mind.
My mother was very severely depressed when we were small. She wanted to give us to my aunt because she felt overwhelmed and guilty and felt as if she couldn't love us. But she couldn't help it. She was sick. But in those days you got married and had kids right away.
She eventually got better, but it probably would have been better for her not to have had children right away (or even at all, but in those days that was rare).
Don't get married before your fiancee knows exactly how you feel.
2007-09-17 05:48:30 · answer #4 · answered by pufferoo 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It sounds like your antidepressants need to be increased if you can barely handle the stress you have now. Ask your doctor about this. Children can be a stress, but they also can be quite rewarding too. I found being a mother was one of the most rewarding parts of my life. By the time they become teenagers, you have had enough dealings with them that you will be able to cope better.
A decision to have children is a heavy decision. You might consider having only one or two if you find the first child is a lot to handle.
Talk with your wife, she will be your best support for what you will decide. There are many books on deciding to have kids.
Amazon.com will have tons of books on this issue.
2007-09-10 06:16:23 · answer #5 · answered by sweetstlouiswoman 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
My mother was clinicly depressed, and had MPD and was Bi-Polar. She had 4 kids, me the oldest, my dad helped keep my mom on the right path, as long as your wife can be your rock, maybe it would be ok, but speak to your therapist first, even when my mom was having her MPD trips she was never mean or abusive or anything to us, she loved us and raised us well, I'm not saying it was easy on her, as a matter of fact, i didnt realize how hard it was until right before she died but she said several times, if she had it all to do over again, she wouldnt change a thing, Also i should mention my younges brother (he is 4 now) was adopted, so my mother actually choose to raise him and give him love.
2007-09-10 06:11:54 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Dude, no way. Work on your own problems and come back to the child thing in a few years. You are NOT daddy material right now. It would not be fair to you, your wife, and especially the children. Diversion of problems is just that. A diversion. It is not a solution. Kids are more stress that even healthy people can handle. I wish you peace, then kids may bring you joy.
2007-09-16 08:42:43 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
much credit to you for taking such a serious decision into consideration. Alot of people don't even think twice. They just do what they want not what they think would be best in the child's interest. I would talk it over with your wife. A friend of mine has sever depression and when she is going thru one of them phases she totally neglects her son. Not that she does it on purpose i think people fail to realize its an out of control thing. I would talk abt it with your dr since he or she would know you best as well as your wife. Best of luck!
2007-09-10 08:00:28 · answer #8 · answered by melissa 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
from knowing what you are putting up with i would say no. dont' have kids they are stress ful espcially when littel then whent hey get bigger and stuff you need to ask the fiance is she going to want kids if you want to because its lot more stress sure there are people who feel this is rewarding and hes that is right but forsomeone not depressed as badly as you i don't you could take it and then when they are older would get worse again. so take a rest and please make upthemind if she wants kids i wouldn't hold her to marriage it would be very hard on you.
2007-09-15 12:33:43 · answer #9 · answered by Tsunami 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
either change meds or dont. you donot need to place your spouse through this ********. get alife. either you love the other enough or not. What is your problem. having kids is a big mistake if you are so wrapped up in your own life donot put a child thru he-- because that is not the right way to go. you need some growing up . . before marriage, children. I bet that you still live at home with your mommy dont you.
2007-09-14 12:15:01 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋