How do you correct 10 & 11 yrs old girls who back-talk?

Question

and, please, don't recommend spanking, because I am totally against that!
they don't back-talk all the time; but, they have moments when it's NO to going to take a shower; NO, to doing their homework now; NO, to eating their dinner.
I know this is very common behavior in most children. I would just like suggestions for effective (calm) approaches for handling these moments.
p.s. thank you for your help, in advance. :):)

Answer 1

The book "Positive Discipline" by Dr. Jane Nelson is a must read.

As for my personal opinion, there are certain things you should do. Stay calm and pick your battles and prioritize. Then reason by way of rational arguments the natural consequences of THEIR choices making it a decision on their part instead of a fight. That's right, make it their choice but limit the scope of what they choose. This way, you give them power instead of require them to relinquish it to you. For example, instead of saying, "You need to take a shower now!" you might ask, "Would you rather take a shower now or after dinner". This puts the question to them for consideration giving them the power which they would otherwise seize with the word "No". When they say "after dinner" (which they will) then they will already have it in their heads and it was their decision making it easier for you to enforce. After awhile you will be able to anticipate their answer "No" for whatever thing it is they will not do and set up a situation like this where it becomes their choice instead without making it an ultimatum (if you don't I will take away your gameboy?) which they will strongly resist because it is negative in nature. In other words, think ahead of a way to give them the power of choice and want to say Yes. Think of what rewards you can offer. Prepare to bake brownies, for example, and beforehand get them to help by saying, "Will you help me by cleaning up the kitchen a bit?" They will be very inclined to answer "Yes" even though at first they do not want to wash dishes or do homework or whatever.

Next, when you do have to establish punishments by taking away privileges, take away things that are distractions in the first place. You tell them to take a bath while they are watching their favorite tv show and you will get a No. If you say, "After this tv show goes off I need you to take a bath" then press for an answer till you get a "yes" or "ok". Then, when the show goes off, enforce your request with, "You said you would take a bath after your show went off". If they begin the next show then you can turn off the tv or tell them to and consider taking away the privilege in the future to some extent. - no tv tomorrow, all week or until you get your own apartment or turn 30 (whichever comes first)- Just make sure whatever you say, it is enforceable.

Make "No" not work for them by reducing their "No" to a ridiculous argument. This is when you give them 'The Look' which is an upwards glance with arms folded. You might say after they refuse to take a bath, "Do you Want to be stinky?" while giving them 'The Look'. They might say "Yes" just to argue which is of course ridiculous so you get to trump them with the truth, "You want to be Stinky? Really? You want them to call you -stinky gurl-? No you don't. Now, go take a bath." I usually accompany this method with a playful and gentle thwap on their head.

Dave Curious -above- gave another way to make "No" not work by using it for their requests. Say "No" to them and give them reasons when they press You to say "Yes". Turn the tables occasionally for leverage and to prove your point.

Answer 2

1

Answer 3

We had a group of around 13 teenagers on the street where i live during the night 2.45am, most of the neighbourhood were up due to the noise created, i was sat like a spy at my bedroom window watching incase they decided to damage property or cars ( this happens quite often). This morning it emerges that at least 6 people had called the police and we are still waiting for them to arrive. It amazes me that this number of 13 too 17 year olds were wondering the streets at this time, they live round this area so the parents could obviously hear the noise they were making, but didn't see fit to have a word with them. As a parent i would be mortified if my kids behaved in this manner and would feel people would be justified in knocking on my door and complaining, but if you were to knock on the door of many of the individuals that caused the disturbance last night you would get a mouth full of abuse from the parents as well as the kids. The parents need to be made more responsible for the actions of their children, a parent can be procecuted if their child does not go to school, but are not held responsible if they allow their children to wonder the streets at night frightening people in their own homes. I am one of the many who are planning to leave this country, i want some peace and i want to feel safe, this country is under seige from a unruly and undisciplined minority that even in small numbers create a huge problem, so when large groups congregate as they often do life is a living hell x

Answer 4

I'm not for spanking either. Especially when the kids are 10 and 11. That is humiliating, and if anybody unrelated tried to pull that with my kid, I would be angry, so I don't pull it either.

With back-talk, it is important to remember what they are doing at this age. They are testing boundaries, determining who they are, and how they are NOT you.

Before you say, "take a shower now," ask her when she plans to shower. Let her know you want to run a load of laundry or dishes, and if she is going to be another hour, you will do a load now, but she will only get the leftover hot water.

If she says she doesn't want to eat now, let her eat cold food later, but she has to do her own dishes if you've already finished with the rest.

In order to remain cool, calm, and collected, just remember that she is practicing making her own boundaries and that's a good thing. So long as she is able to be grown up enough to accept the consequences.

You won't be there for every choice, so this is the time to challenge her to use foresight in a way that will be applicable to future issues.

Best of luck! It gets harder before it gets easier. Blessings

Answer 5

For my 11 yo daughter, on the extremely rare occasion when she back talks, I just fix her with The Look, and say in a quiet voice "That behaviour is inapproriate and totally unacceptable. I suggest you reconsider, get yourself up, and do as you are told." That's all it takes for her, but she's not seriously back talking, just mucking around, and actually has every intention of doing what she's told.

Give it a try though, it might be all they need to remind them to behave. Otherwise you can start restricting privileges and taking away possessions, etc.

Answer 6

I have a technique, as a lecturer which I use on my younger students which generally works!

If a student says no to me to something I ask I will tell them that I will take on board what they have said and accept it but mark it in my book. I mark it in my book and make sure I say no to that students request for something they ask for in future. This could be something as simple as using their mobile in class to take an important call to saying no to a reference they may need. Their name is then crossed from the book.

There are very few students that get their name in the book twice!!

This teaches 3 lessons
1) I am treating you as an individual, if you say no I will allow this but it will have a consequence.

2) What goes around, comes around.

3) As humans, we have to accept responsibility and therefore the actions of any decisions we make.

I always speak to my students about this rule and the book so, discuss it with your girls and implement it, when they say no, ALLOW THEM TO NOT DO THE TASK and write it in the book, then when they ask for something, may not be the next thing they ask for but don't leave it too long, get the book out, say no AND MEAN IT AND NO MATTER WHAT STICK TO IT! Then cross the entry out so it quits. They will soon learn and this is also treating them in a more grown up way (even though it doesn't always sound it) where they will think before saying no in the future.

It does work!

Good luck

Answer 7

First you need to sit down with them and have a conversation about respecting parents and their position as children. Not to mention the importance of personal hygiene, especially for girls around that age and doing their homework. As far as eating their dinner, take them to a homeless shelter to volunteer. They should be greatful they have something to eat everyday. Kids at that age are often self-centered and don't realize how blessed they are. Next, start a schedule for when they come home from school. Kids need structure. Its one way parents show them how much they are loved. It should be homework, dinner, bath when they get home. If they don't stick to their schedules remove things they love, for example the telephone, allowances, tv time, computer time. The key is to be consistent! No matter what, stick to the schedule. They need to get those three things done before anything else. If they continue to say no, continue to take things away, even extracurricular activities like soccer, cheerleading. They will test you but be vigilant. It may get to the point where they only have beds in their rooms but that's all they need. Try not to keep the toys in the house where they can get to them if you are not around. If you have to get rid of them, sell them or donate them. But just be consistent. The key is to start early but its not too late for you. Right now its talking back, when they get older it may be physical because the respect is not there. Also, check out who there friends are. They may be getting that from other kids. If so get rid of them and if you are religious get them involved in faith activities. Good luck!

Answer 8

Then let be stinky, and don't wash their clothes, Let see if there friends want to hang around them anymore. Inform the school that they don't want to do their homework, and remind them that there is always summer school, if they want to stay in the same grade with friends, And let them starve, but make sure they don't get any sweets, can't go out with friends to eat or whatever. They are trying to test your limits on how far they can go. If they won't eat what you cook, tell them they can cook their own dinner, but they have to clean up the mess and buy their own food. Or you could just ground them, no friends, no computers, no TV, make them stay in room with just chairs and look at each other until bedtime

Answer 9

i agree with you on not spanking. And I agree on calm parenting. I would say 1-2-3 and lose a privilege. families need to respect each other (and I dont' mean that kids respect adults who can treat the kids however they want!). The parents show respect as well. And from there the children need to show it as well. When my daughter backtalks she loses priveleges fast. And I do it calmly as well. I like your attitude, I think you will handle it well:)

Answer 10

I'd say NO to TV, iPod, computer, friends over and going there, phone, if they ask you for anything extra. My daughter at times starts sassing me and I just tell her NO to things, and when she asks me why I tell her attitude isn't acceptable and I will not be treated like that. If she throws more of an attitude from me saying no, then I take away for longer. You HAVE to follow through so they know you are serious. EX: this past week she threw attitude, so I took TV away all week and weekend. I told her if she wanted to complain then it would be next weekend too. Surprising, she didn't ask once to watch TV this weekend. I was really proud of her, and told her that.