My Daughter is 16 and doing lots of things that 16 year olds shouldnt be doing. She's drinking & smoking, staying out all night, trying to date 23 year olds. Her and I have been very close thru the years and have been thru alot . She is very open with me , heck she still calls me mommy. I do love her dearly and have sat down many times and talked with her about the things shes doing. She tells me I don't understand .
I've went to get her from where shes been ( at different places), I've grounded her and even while grounded she stayed out all night at a guys house and came home with hickies all over.When I was calling looking for her she had the guy lie to me and say he hadn't seen her. I feel like that was just a slap in my face. Her dad and I aren't together and he's kind of mean, so I only told him about the one incident . He came over and was kind of abusive, but she did straighten up for about a day. My question is what can I do next ? Do I report her as a runaway Any Advice???
2007-09-09 13:26:21 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Family
I truly do appreciate all the responses I've gotten and they are all great. I just wanted to add a bit more . Her father & I divorced when she was around 10 or 11 and I thought I had to be the happy mom who gives in and etc.. because of what she was going thru with that. The saying children learn what they live applies here . She has never shown me any respect because she saw how her father treated me . She gets rides with friends where ever she goes and hooks up with guys later. I myself made alot of mistakes growing up & don't want the chain to continue. I have stuck to my guns when grounding her,manytimes. Its to no avail. She tells me shes not afraid of ANYONE except her dad. She even has shouting matches with teachers and etc. has even said " I'm not afraid of the cops" My question now is would it be horrible of me to do as some suggested and report her as a runaway?
2007-09-10 06:35:24 · update #1
I understand you completely. Yesterday they were everything you wanted in a child and the next they turn into the devil, himself.
I also have a 16 year old, boy. He thinks because he is 16 he is entitled to everything. Key word is THINKS. Wrong, I am on him like gravey on rice. He is not an adult and can't get away with drugs, drinking, bad grades and staying out all night. Yes, he hates all these rules and is constantly telling me that "No one else has curfews, all my friends are allowed to drink, etc." Well, who cares about everybody else. He is my child and all these things are not allowed in our home. Don't get me wrong he has tried and continues to try to get away with things, but, he is drug tested bi-weekly, has a curfew of midnight on weekends (if he has abided by all the rules that is), and can't go out during the week unless it is approved by us first. Does this always work, NO, but when he is caught wrong-doing, he is grounded. The punishment is judged by the serverity of his actions. I hate hearing that he hates us because we are mean and strick and ....but I know he is only trying to make us feel guilty for what we are doing, but he always comes around later. You must put your foot down now. You won't be sorry later.
If she is out of control and you feel truly helpless, there should be programs like FINS (families in need of services) or similier programs in your area that will help by interceding. Call your local police and they should turn you in the right direction. But do it now. When they turn 17, you have no control at all. It's sad but true.
Going back to "out of control" teenagers, if she is not coming home when she is suppose to you can call the cops and report her missing, they should/will go looking for her, pick her up and bring her home. They may then recommend her to juvenile services, which by the way will not show up on any record because she is a "juvenile". This may scare her from doing this again.
I can tell by your words that you are a good mom and friend to her, but right now being a good mom is doing things you totally never thought you would have to do. Don't feel bad about it, they are hormonal children trying to find their independance in the world. They will grow out of it. I'm praying for you and all parents with teenagers. God bless!
2007-09-09 14:30:18 · answer #1 · answered by powderpuff 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
There isn't a lot you can do at 16, it's just too late. If you had said that there was a history of discipline and control I might say there is some hope with a fairly radical approach, but you are in the position of being her friend more than you are her mother and so any turnaround would have to be so extreme that it's almost unrealistic. Someday things will get so bad that parents will RELEARN that kids are brought up from year 2-6 primarily and everything flows from there. It's too late to start to parent when they are 9 or 12 or 16. At least she's not into legal problems and hopefully not drugs, but to answer your question, all you can do now is ride it out.
2007-09-09 13:41:00 · answer #2 · answered by The Scorpion 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I agree with the other answers you have gotten already. Your daughter is no longer a child; but she's not a grown woman yet.
This stage is confusing and stressful for everyone- But you are the adult here; so YOU HAVE to "take the bull by the horns" and ask a therapist for help or tips on how to deal with her ASAP. You CANNOT keep ignoring her behaviour and thinking that "this is normal for a teenage girl" because it ISN'T.
Don't make the huge mistake of trying to be your daughter's FRIEND...She has friends; she NEEDS A MOTHER who will set down rules and limits! Kids need to know what to expect from their parents,and they need both discipline and honesty.
(She has to know you want the best for her, and that although she may not understand this now.. but she will in the future and she will be grateful. ) She needs you to be there for her, and she has to understand that all her actions WILL HAVE repercussions and consequences.
For example, If she is dumb and careless and decides to continue drinking and having sex, she will ruin her life and yours as well with an unwanted pregnancy or a disease like AIDS. So you have to step up and ask for help`so you can start putting an end to her current llifestyle.
Good luck. Ask God to guide you and to soften her mind and heart so she can see your concern.
2007-09-09 14:14:02 · answer #3 · answered by Nena S 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I'm so sorry to hear that you are going through this. I know you love your child, but it's time for you to take a stand and start praying about this situation, now! It's not going to be easy, but you have got to take a hard stand against this. YOU are the parent, you are in the one in control. Even though it may not seem that way to you at times. But God says that you are. And that's what matters, that HE is on your side. Lean on him and tap into the strength that he's given you through Jesus Christ, it is within you. She will resist, but you persevere and stay consistent. You have to start being more Stearn with your rules and consequences. Somewhere along the line the boundaries were blurred. And they have to be restored. Maybe because you guys have been through so much together and you were close so, you sort of gravitated towards more of a friendship? Instead of a more defined mother/daughter role. Restore those boundaries and get the respect back and the closeness. Get your daughter back. I'll pray for you.
2007-09-09 13:46:59 · answer #4 · answered by rayne81 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
As a divorced Father of 3 children (20,18,16) and have My own issues, I do see how My Ex deals with the kids. You mentioned you 2 were/are close,etc. Perhaps you have been trying too hard to be her friend and not her Mother. Whether or not you are married,widowed, or divorced. Regardless of what they say, kids need and want rules/structure. They won't respect you if they can walk all over you. The problem you have currently is only because you let it get this far. If you want your daughter back and her respect it is going to be hard on both of you in the short term. However, the effort will be rewarded in the long term. In short - make rules, make her abide by them regardless of cost to you. Only then will you succeed.
2007-09-09 13:44:25 · answer #5 · answered by B W 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Dear Leah, boy, your daughter sounds like she could be my son's behaviorial twin! I am also dealing with very similar, 'involuntary grey hair-coloring' challanges, myself. I have tried every option known to man. Then I helplessly turned to God. Anyone else I turned to either had poor already tried advice, or some form of judgement for my 'parenting skills' which seem to be in question!
I can't even turn to my family, so I too have been raising my son alone. I do understand and I know God can and will help. I don't want to share any further details here, due to the personal nature of things, however you can email me, if you'd like. Sincerely, Rose
2007-09-09 13:44:15 · answer #6 · answered by God's Fountain Pen 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
How is she getting to where she is going? Someone is either picking her up, you are taking her, or she is driving. Stop all those things. Your daughter is acting out because she doesn't have any guidelines. Its your job to provide those. Stop talking to her like she's your friend, and start talking to her like you are your mother.
I would sit her down and tell her that you are sorry you have given her the impression that she can come and go as she pleases, but it ends now. Set rules about school, homework, how she dresses and what she does around the house. Tell her to end all relationships with any men, she needs to grow up alittle before she can handle that, obviously. Get her into counseling, stop tattling on her to her abusive father and get a backbone.
You aren't doing her any good by letting her wash her life down the toilet. Next time a grown man shows up at your door to take out your daughter, tell him he's welcome to leave on his own or you will have the police escort him. This is your home, your child and your responsibility. Be her mother.
2007-09-09 13:33:59 · answer #7 · answered by tjnstlouismo 7 · 1⤊ 1⤋
i am 16 too and my advice might not help but i went through every thing you just sad my mom grounded me and everything. after a while my mom was put up with me and call the cops for unruly child and i got drug tested and locked up for 8 months i learned my lesson and i have stayed out of trouble since
2007-09-09 13:35:48 · answer #8 · answered by ducky7898 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You need to take control of her. She will fight at first, but be glad you did in the future!! Talk with her and explain to her that her behavior is hurting you.
2007-09-09 13:34:43 · answer #9 · answered by Lin 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋