What do I do about my awful sister and her family?

Question

This is complicated, bear with me. A couple of years ago I found my birth fathers family - he was dead, but I found 2 half brothers and a half sister.
All has been fine untill this summer when my half sister brought her 5 children to stay with us for a holiday - they are between 5 and 17 .
They basically wrecked the house, they refused to eat at the table and would only eat crisps and chips, they threw knives at each other (in the end we had to lock them away), would'nt flush toilets ( whatever was in there) and swore constantly.
She claims 2 of them have ADHD, but I noticed that they can sit at a computer or TV screen for a couple of hours happily. Because of this she refuses to discipline them and laughs at their behaviour. She has also spread some nasty rumours about me to my birth family, they don't believe them, but won't allow her to be confronted.
I really don't want her back again but don't want to fall out with my brothers. Help!

By the way, the repair bill for carpet cleaning and replacing broken doors was over £700. When I told her, she laughed and said it was a good job I could afford it. I can't!

Answer 1

I wouldnt bother contacting her, but if she contacts you first, then make up excuses for the near future. In the meantime, as the family dont believe her nasty rumours, contact the brother you are closest to and explain their behaviour and the damage they caused, which resulted in you have to shell out money. Ask for his/their advice on the best way to handle this sister and her brats. This way, they will see that you dont want to cause conflict or confrontations, but you really cant afford to have to pay out each time they have visited. Maybe you could suggest the next time you all meet you go out somewhere for the day, rather than to your house, lie if you need to and say you are having renovations/decorating/building work done. Get the brothers on side and it should be easier to handle the sister in future meetings. Maybe they could talk to her and she would be more willing to listen. These days some bad parents use the ADHD as a convenient excuse for their lack of parenting skills when it comes to discipline. Dont invite them for a holiday again, plan trips out and find bed and breakfasts they can stay in if they really need to visit you.

Answer 2

Sometimes kids with a valid adhd diagnosis can ONLY pay attention to electronic media...but that is no reason for your sister to behave as she did! If the kids couldn't be properly disciplined, she should have at least brought a few of their favorite games and videos-and maybe told you, in advance, so that you could prepare (lock away breakable and valuable things,or buy some foods they do eat).

Has she hinted about another visit, that will be overnight-or longer? You definitely don't need to put yourself through this again. As to your brothers not letting you confront her-they probably are being blackmailed-they've known her kids longer than you have, and she's probably threatening NOT to let them have contact-if they side against her!

Just keep your relationship with all these siblings on a level you feel comfortable with. No need to talk about anyone, but you shouldn't let your home be abused, either. Just stick to your guns, without going on the attack, and things should be OK.

Answer 3

Look at it like you were extracted from a really bad environment at birth... you could have been one of these!

You are not under any obligation to put up with them or their abuse. You are not a babysitter. Do not allow them to come stay with you ever again.
If they say they are coming over, you lock up and leave... take a little holiday of your own.
If they just show up unannounced, you grab your purse, lock the door behind you as you leave, and say "I am so sorry, but I am on my way to an important appointment."
There is nothing you can do about this nutjob... and unfortunately she is breeding more nutjobs.
Do NOT feel guilty.

Answer 4

Meet her in other places and if she just turns up at your house say that she should have called first because you had prior arrangements. Ask your brothers if she behaves like this at their houses I am sure they could not afford the bills either.

No one can afford for someone to come and do that in their home no matter how much you wish to see someone or want to get to know them more. As you have not long met them or known about them.

Coming from someone who has also met knew members of the family all in their 50s and 60s. Do not put up with it you do not have to.

Keep smiling keep yourself and your close family happy that's first and foremost. Life is too short.

Answer 5

What a horrible situation. She really sounds like a Jeremy Kyle statistic - you have my sympathy.

I know that the situation is fraught but the answer is really very simple. Don't invite her to your house again and keep contact to the bare minimum. If you do have to see her, make sure it's in a neutral place.

Don't bad mouth her to your brothers as this is likely to cause friction. Just avoid her as much as you possibly can. I'm afraid you are going to have to kiss goodbye to your £700, because unless you are prepared to take her to court (and this really would cause a schism) I can't see any way of getting your money back.

I imagine that your brothers are aware of her behaviour and so won't be too upset if you refuse to see her again, provided that you don't ask them to choose between you.

Basically, this woman sounds like a nasty, jealous, b!tch who is taking you for a ride and is envious that you have a superior quality of life to hers. She is also making the most of the fact that you don't want to upset your brothers - she is taking advantage of your vulnerability within the family, which is just plain cruel. Ultimately, you will be proved right when her children end up in gaol and she ends up on Trisha, but until then I'd just keep as much distance as possible.

Good luck to you ... I'm livid on your behalf - really!

Answer 6

Just because you share a parent, you don't have to automatically like this person. Her behaviour and that of her children was unacceptable and you should not have to tolerate them again.

You are going to have to be honest. Tell her straight that you are not comfortable with having them stay and what's more you can't afford any more money for breakages.

If she is spreading rumours about you, ignore them and have nothing to do with this horrible woman. Tell your brothers why. If they side with her, you are better off without them in your life, even if you are related.

Good luck..

Answer 7

Who does she think she is???
Look...maybe you were really glad that you found some family that you never thought you had in the first place, and you are nice to them, it's natural. But there has to be limits. Your sister can't treat you like that! And she even has the nerve to tell mean stories about you, her sister AND host?!
You are not responsible for her, or for her own family. Don't be afraid to tell her that she is crossing the limits. Come on, she's the one who is being bad, she's the one who should be ashamed, end of the story!
I don't know if you like her much or not, but do what you think is right, do not think about what the others will think. After all, you are the one who had to pay for their mess, since it looks like she won't pay what she should...

Answer 8

I definitely wouldn't invite them over again. As far as what your brothers would think...who cares. They wrecked your house! Any brother would understand. I bet he doesn't invite them over either and if he does I bet his house is a disaster and he doesn't care anyway. If the brothers get mad just tell them look I can't afford to pay for the damage her children have done and nor should I have too.She sounds very disrespectful for others property.

Answer 9

oh dear! i think having so many children have affected her mentally. anyway....next time she says she wants to come ...make an excuse or u go to her house or agree to meet somewhere out or at one of the brother's.......that way u'll get to know what do they think of her and how to deal with it.
or u can be just upfront n say u can't afford......why should it b so difficult.
make her see sense diplomatically.
good luck

Answer 10

I would not invite them again not even for a meal, would you accept this behaviour from a friends family? maybe not, so don't take it from her, in future meet in a public place that way if anything happens to the furniture its not your.