a year ago she had to move back in w/mom & dad-she had a bad relationship that ended because of drugs. she was broke and had no place to go she called said she needed help she'd been ditched @ a hotel. of course i dropped everything and my daughterinlaw and i went to pick her up and bring her home to safety. my husband agreed to let her stay and not have a job...if she helped around the house. she only does what she wants when she wants, and if some one wakes her before she's ready foul things come out of her mouth. she has called me a stupid ***** who's retarded, regularly. mostly the hostility seems directed towards me. she and her father do just fine. i don't know how much more i can take. it looks like a happy marriage of 30 plus years is going out the window, because i see no end in sight except me leaving-she won't-she is 24years old
2007-09-09 06:44:30 · 22 answers · asked by kurvantidevidasi 4 in Family & Relationships ➔ Family
It's easy to just her out and say she has no right to treat you like that. You could do that....
But I'm with the people who say sit down and have a talk with her. After all, you might think she's being spoiled, but she's really been through quite a bit of trauma if she just got out of a relationship with a druggie. She's probably feeling worthless and bitter. After all, if someone loved drugs more than you, wouldn't you feel a little rejected?
It's true, she is an adult, but you are too. There's no need to play games here. A talk is all that's needed. When I come home and I treat my parents like crap, they talk to me about it. Of course I scream and yell and act all bitter, but inside I know they're right and a week or two later that fact reflects itself in my behavior.
Think of the reasons she came home at 24 years old. Maybe you and your husband are the only people she can depend on or trust. After all, most kids I know who are on their own at 24 would rather move in with another friend than with their parents, if given the choice. I would much rather live with a friend too, even though my parents are wonderful people.
Now, yes, it is your house, but if you kick her out now without trying to resolve the situation, she may not understand entirely and will feel even worse and more rejected than before...by everyone, even the people she thought could love her unconditionally. And maybe in the future you will have doubts about your action...It's not a good solution for either of you.
Continue to be a loving mother. There is no such thing as "tough love". Love is patient and kind. I admire you for going this far.
Just let her know you're on her side. Also tell her that if she can't even return love and respect to her own mother, how can she possibly succeed in the world and love and respect other people who she isn't even close to? Love and respect are very important things. Try emphasizing that learning to respect you is for her benefit also, and not just for your own gratification. Most troubled kids will be more likely to listen to something that they can ascribe personal value to, rather than a "I'm your parent respect me" speech. That may seem like the right way to go....but when you were a kid....be honest....did you really ever listen to those speeches? Anyway this probably didn't help, but thought I'd put in my two cents.
Also, don't punish your husband for you daughter's attitude. Stick it out. She's not his girlfriend or a disgusting roomate, she's your daughter. To leave your husband because your daughter is there is just like leaving a boyfriend because he's got rowdy friends who come over or something....It really is immature and also puts your daughter on a level that she isn't. This should have to do with your relationship with her, not your relationship with your husband. It's not his fault. Actually, you might try observing their relationship and finding out why she gets along with her father better than with you. Maybe there is just some fundamental misunderstanding between the both of you that doesn't exist between your husband and daughter.
One last thing.....From your description of her...It sounds like there may be the possibility that she is actually addicted to drugs, herself. This could be serious and is another reason you don't just want to kick her out. You need to find out. If she is doing drugs, she needs to go to rehab.
2007-09-09 07:26:15 · answer #1 · answered by Yuko 3 · 1⤊ 1⤋
Sounds like you reached the end of your rope...This has to be very upsetting for you.
You have been married 30 plus and a member of this family-I'm just curious how "she and her father are doing just fine" if she's being disrespectful to you on a daily basis?
How would it be to sit down with your husband so he is on the same page and discuss what needs to change? What is one step each family member could do to create a more respectful environment for all?
I'm curious, why is the 24 year old so hostile? What would empower her to move forward with her life? What is not happening that has to happen?
Best to you.
2007-09-09 07:33:55 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Then why are you staying with him? Do you believe what he says? I'm sure that after all these years, you pretty much do. You know how the old saying goes: 'a lie repated once, remains a lie. A lie repeated 50 times, starts sounding like the truth' I think you need to see a counselor. Also, remember it's not good for your little girl to see your husband verbally abuse you. She'll grow up and think it's ok to be treated like that by a man...
2016-05-20 05:59:25 · answer #3 · answered by ? 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You need to have a serious talk with her and your husband about the situation, separately. Tell her that you've done everything that you can to help her and you don't appreciate her attitude. Ask her what you have done wrong to make her act like that. She will refuse to tell you in the beginning but keep on asking. There will be screaming and yelling. On your part, make sure you don't say anything that you might regret later on. Tell her that she needs to grow up and she has no right to treat you badly after what you have done to help her. You have to make her get a job. Having a job is a part of growing up. You don't want to ruin your 30 plus years of marriage because of a spoiled child.
2007-09-09 06:58:20 · answer #4 · answered by Caitlyn 4 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Actually I had a similar situation in my family when my 39 year old brother would not go out and get a job while living with my father and step-mother. He wasn't verbally abusive that I know of but my father had finally had enough. He went to an apartment building which you can rent monthly paid for a month's rent and told my brother it was time for him to sink or swim. If in a month he had not found employment and could pay for another months rent that he was S.O.L. It is important for you to set boundaries in your life. Loving your children and trying to help is one thing but you are not there to become the focus of her negativity. Your husband needs to stand with you on this if he allows you to be disrespected then shame on him and I would tell him he can go to. Why should you leave? If you are afraid her verbal abuse will turn physical get your local police force involved on the day she is to leave. Do not tolerate her behavior one more day or your husbands either for that matter.
2007-09-09 08:11:07 · answer #5 · answered by Wolfen 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋
She WON'T leave? Sorry, but your responsibility to her ended when she turned 18! You've already supported her for a year??? Try a little tough love. Lay down some rules. If she can't follow the rules in YOUR house, throw her out. Her father is being manipulated by "his little girl" who isn't anymore. Talk if over with you husband. If he disagrees, tell him "it's me or her." Then move out for a while. I'm certain she will play her games with daddy before too long, and I bet he sees your side then. A little family counseling wouldn't hurt either...
2007-09-09 06:59:00 · answer #6 · answered by ladykathrynct 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Sounds like your daughter is angry at the world and not just you. She has been through a lot and is using it as an excuse to be lazy and mean. You need to talk to her and tell her if she doesn't treat you with more respect she has to leave. If she whines and complains, remind her that she is an adult and you are no longer responsible for her. It is your house, she needs to respect you and your rules. She really needs to get off her duff, get a job and make some friends. Tell her she needs to start taking care of herself, buying her own food and doing her own laundry. Stick to what you say, if you back down, you are going to be stuck with her for the rest of your life. Good luck.
2007-09-09 06:53:05 · answer #7 · answered by harleychic 4 · 2⤊ 1⤋
sounds like she could benefit from going to rehab. but either way she is 18 & u can't let her live in your house and destroy your life too. give her the ultimatum of rehab, but also say that either way she is moving out. tell her that you are putting her stuff out by the curb in 24 hrs. so she needs to think seriously about what it is she's going to do. i speak through experience here with daughter's drug use, destruction to family, unresponsive husband, she eventually overdosed 3 yrs. ago. it was devastating and i wish i had of been smart enough to have put her in rehab instead of handling it the way i did. it might have made a difference. god's blessings to you dear lady.
2007-09-09 07:13:02 · answer #8 · answered by itsjustme 4 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Your daughter needs psychological help pronto, and you must compel your husband to accept that. If he doesn't, then give him an ultimatum that either he stands beside you, or those two can stand beside each other watching you walk out the door until he does. Tough love can be brutal, but it's necessary. Best of luck to you.
2007-09-09 07:14:54 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
I'm sorry but she needs to go and today! To disrespect you after taking her *** back in is unacceptable behavior. No warnings, no talking, she's out of there today. Sometimes you have to practice tough love. Your marriage is more important and you deserve to be respected and loved.
Believe me I know, I had to shut my son out. It's been 3 years, he still doesn't talk to us. He has issues that I can not help and he doesn't believe he has issues. There isn't anything I can do, he has to decide for himself that he doesn't like living from hand to mouth, in and out of jail. We supported him for 2 years and this is how he treats us now.
Best of Luck from Minnesota - and just as heartbroken.
2007-09-09 06:59:52 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 3⤊ 0⤋