Help! My stepmother is making me feel uncomfortable?

Question

Brief background: I'm 23 and my mother died when I was 16. My dad suddenly remarried a few months ago. I try really hard to get along with my stepmother, but she is very difficult sometimes. (I'm not the only one who has a hard time with her!). She gets jealous when I spend time alone with my dad and tries to limit our time together. She also tries to boss me around and tell me what to wear (which is laughable as I've been living on my own for 5 years now). I am always nice to her but I don't especially want to be close to her.

Recently she's been showering me with presents. It sounds like a nice thing, but she hounds me about them. I thank her for the gifts and I write her thank you cards, but she will pester me if I don't use one of them. She got me a gift card to a store which I am saving for when I need it and EVERY TIME I talk to her, she asks me if I've used it. I don't know what to do.

She has even started giving me about 10-12 presents every time I see her, even if it's not for a holiday. The last time she did it I just wanted to go hide because it makes me feel so indebted to her when she does things like that.

I understand WHY she is doing it, which is that she wants to get closer to me, but it is just making me feel really uncomfortable. I am always nice to her, but I just don't really want to be close. Giving me presents just makes it worse and I hate the feeling I get when she does it. I don't want to be rude or hurt her feelings, but how can I get her to stop?

I can't talk to my dad about it. Most of our family feels uncomfortable around her, but when we try to talk to him about it (in the nicest way possible) he becomes furious.

I am female.

Answer 1

Okay this is going to be hard but you need to talk to her like the mature people that you both can be. you are both adults and if its making you uncomforatable, then you need to tell her that, and try to give her a chance to get closer to you without the grooming and gift giving...if all else fails, talk to your father and tell him whats going on

Answer 2

If people have an issue with something I do as a parent I just tell them when they have children (or when they had children) they can make all the decisions they like for THEIR children... and ask them to respect my decisions for MY children. My mother hounded me about not giving him solids and only breastfeeding for the first 6 months. I knew it was best.. he already had a cow milk protein allergy. I heard all the time little things about solid foods or messages on my facebook like "Only 2 weeks till you eat little man!! HOW EXCITING! FINALLY!".. I deleted them. At 5 months he was over 20 pounds and crawling very well, starting to cruise. My mother thought I was starving him cause I only breastfed... that he did not eat. I did not know how much I fed him since I don't bottle-feed and she was just sure he was always hungry. If I was on the phone and he crawled over a toy and it hurt his hand and he cried she would say "oh! I bet he is crying cause he's hungry!".. OK.. enough ranting, lol. I had to get it out, you got me started!!! haha. I know how you feel! My son is 11 months and I'm still nursing.. and I will be nursing well past 12 months. I know I'm going to hear another earful! LOL I think it's always best to politely speak up. Just listening to it people think that they are right and you are wrong. For acquaintances that is fine really, but family members it isn't. If they think this you will never hear the end of it. Your child will be 10 years old and you'll still be hearing what you're doing wrong.

Answer 3

Lots of reasons she is doing this, and you may never really know why. You do not know if your Dad noticed her attitude and said something, or if it is an investment for a future excuse, such as, "I really tried, I gave him presents, and it didn't work.
One way to deal with it: put a big smile, and say, "gee thanks, I love the present, but you don't have to. I value our friendship, how many adult kids get to say they actually get along their stepmom?" Hey, Dad looks like he is a happy guy, I'm so happy for him being happy."
And by saying these things you have laid out the rules about gifts, made sure she knows you are not the competition for your Dad's affection, and put the ball back into her court. You like her, she doesn't have to do anything else now but reciprocate that affection. She can chill.
I try to choose killing people with kindness, it works. And it is really hard to be mean to a smiling person. Beats confrontation and anger all to pieces.
And about the questioning about the gifts, tell the truth. No, I'm saving that shirt for... a date, it is too nice to wear everyday, , or no, I'm going to use the gift card for...my birthday, I'm saving up for a new set of weights.Compliment the present, it's really nice, I really am gonna use it, I think so much of the gift I'm hoarding it to use it wisely.
And you do not have to be close to her, just get along, for your father's sake, if nothing else. And who knows, you might find you like her, once all the jealosy stuff is out of the way.

Answer 4

She is insecure about her relationship with you and wants to win you over by gifting you. You seem to have a close relationship with your dad and she wants the same with you. It appears that she wants to take over the role of being a mother to you but does not know how to do it without overstepping boundaries, which is why she pesters you about your clothes and about the gift card. Talk to her and tell her that you are uncomfortable about the gifting part though you do appreciate her taking the effort and time to do this for you. Regarding your dressing sense, just say nicely that you do appreciate her input and leave it at that as you are uncomfortable with it. Do not complain to your dad about minor things related to your stepmother as it will drive a wedge in your relationship wih your dad, he will feel forced to choose between you and his wife. If you feel so, you could even gift her with something nice as a reciprocal gesture.

Answer 5

I would say thank you when she gives you the gifts, but then say that you feel bad when she gives you presents because you can't afford to buy her any in return. Let her know that you realize she doesn't expect any presents, but that you'd rather spend time with her and your dad instead of receiving presents. Maybe you could establish a weekly dinner or something.

Answer 6

At 23, you are an adult. I'll suggest to talk to her, with your father present or not, that is your choice. Make sure that she understands exactly how you feel and that you understand how she feels. If that doesn't work, talk to your Dad about it. Seriously, is not good to feel this uncomfortable and surely is not normal to have a grown woman giving so much attention to a 23 y/o man that way.

Answer 7

It sounds like you understand that this woman is doing these things because she's interested in building a relationship between the two of you. Perhaps you can see these actions for what they are then: it seems like she desperately wants your approval. If you assure her that she has it, she might stop trying so hard.

Honestly, if you continue having problems, talking to your dad is what you need to do.

Answer 8

You need to make friends with this woman. Ok she is not your mother and I dont suppose she wants to be your mother. But she is now part of your family and you should accept her as such. Being polite to her like you would to a stranger is rude. You are only consideration is for yourself but you are old enough to be considering both your step mother and fathers feelings.
She should not be trying to buy you with presents, she shouldn't have to. You should be affectionate to your stepmother like you would be to an auntie. And you should not try to monopolise your father, particularky whilst you are treating his wife like an outsider to the family.
Do try to act like a reasonable adult and speak to your step mother like an equal adult. You can resolve all your problems with her by being more accepting.

Answer 9

Yes !she is trying to buy you -
If you do not want to 'answer' to her you must stop accepting the gifts.
Next time she tries to 'gift' you , very pleasantly refuse the gift and
and tell her that it is not necessary and that you would rather that she gave the ----------- to Charity.
As far as alone time with your Dad -well she may get her nose out of joint but you must insist. Just try to be as cautious as you can and tell her that "I need some time to talk to my father alone , please understand"

Answer 10

dont accept a gift u dont feel comfortable accepting. if uthink u will beindebted to her politely decline and let her know it will not be used. i think u should try to make an effort to know her being that your dad married her. who knows if uu develop a deep relationship but give her 5 minutes to discuss ur day, etc. she must care about uif she is thinking about you.