Autum enters with harvest color leaves
Leaving trees with warm colors behind
The shape of the sun with a tint of the color
Loving the fruit so juicy and sweet
Its the color of the sunrise
that awakes me every day
It just shines upon my face
Looking at pumpkins on Halloween day
or eating sweet potatoe on thanksgiving fest
This colors all ovet as long as you look
So beautiful and Bright
it keeps my smile just right
as long as its in sight
Pittsburg High wears it proudly
Leaving no shame we yell it loudly
When basketball season comes
They all stay "BALLIN!"
2007-09-08 18:26:50 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous in Arts & Humanities ➔ Poetry
Umm...I thought some of the imagery was very good. However, there are lots of parts that threw me off. The end was sorta weird for me. It sorta breaks the whole flow of the poem. Somewhere in the middle of the poem around line 6, it confuses me, because the perspective is revolving too much. I think the color metaphors are not too stable. They're sort of random. I think you can try to make it more solid. Anyways...good job. Needs a liddo change, but you can make it.
2007-09-09 04:29:44 · answer #1 · answered by BiteSizedWaffle 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Yes, I think I can help you. No, it doesn't sound very good.
Your poem starts off okay, but it wanders off topic and in a completely different direction. You also dwell far too much on "color"...and by that I mean you keep saying "color"...you don't "show" us the colors. Your initial line is almost okay, although I would recommend you say "harvest colored leaves". You should then go on to show us the colors..."sunrise gold, almost-fallen red", etc. Also, the "shape" of the sun is not "tinted"...it's "hue" may have a specific tint, but not its shape. Then later, "all ovet"...I think you meant "all of it", right? You were doing better when you stuck with free verse...your rhymes throw off the tone of your poem...so I'd recommend you edit those lines since they are incongruent to your poem anyway. Finally, your last two lines are about equal to finishing a validictorian speech with "Pittsburg Tigers Rule!"...waaaaay out of context.
keep writing
2007-09-12 12:27:25 · answer #2 · answered by Kevin S 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
No. Just a pile of words.
2007-09-09 02:11:06 · answer #3 · answered by onparadisebeach 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
it's good
2007-09-09 01:47:34 · answer #4 · answered by midnitrondavu 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
eehh....i think its o.k. but no offence...
2007-09-09 01:35:17 · answer #5 · answered by let's dance. 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋