My Husband is abusive and doesn't see it!?

Question

My husband and I were in a heated argument and he started doing all of these wrestling moves on me. He had me in a headlock and he put all of his weight on me. I was trying to fight back, but he wouldn't let me go until I surrendered. Thus... when I ended up with a sprained knee he claims it was my fault! To make matters worse... he kept grabbing my wrists and not letting me go until I "calmed down". When I tried to leave the room he would block the door and wouldn't let me leave. For the first time in my life I'm questioning what I should do??? I have a new baby and a 9 year old and I'm not working. I have no checking or savings account... no car, no license. He's never been physical like this with me before... but what bothers me is that because he never "hit" me, he doesn't see it as abuse. Which really burns me up!!! I'm in a knee brace and crutches... but he say's it was my fault because of the way I was twisting when he was holding me down.... HELP!

Answer 1

For no reason should he be putting his hands on you. Especially if your trying to get away from him. He is trying to control you by using physical force. He is trying to make you listen or calm down by holding you down against your will. This is not right and you should make it clear to him that he should never hold you like that again. He was holding you against your will and in the process he hurt your knee. This is not ok. I do see this as the begining to an abusive behavior. Be careful and have a serious Help him see that his behavior is wrong and that it will not be tollerated. For the sake of the children you guys need some counciling.

Answer 2

Is there a chance of drugs? If this is unlike any behavior he has shown you in the past then I would check to see if he is using steroids or other mood swinging agents. Either way he needs help and if he refuses to see that then call one of his family members that can get through to him or call someone he really respacets and will listen to. Explain to them what happened and if they are a good friend of his that cares about both of your well beings then they will give him the talk. Also call the cops if there is a next time. He will not lay a finger on you if his means giving up his freedom. You still can get counseling for yourself and if he won't take some responsibility for the problems then he doesn't need to stay in the marraige. You can have him removed from your home if he is abusive. Then you won't have to worry about a place to stay and money. In court demand child support and let him know that all of this could have been avoided had he shown you a little respect. Good luck and remember any abuse is wrong. Physical, Emotional, Verbal...none of them belong in a marriage. Keep your kids safe even if it means making him leave or packing them up and sending them to the grandparents for the week. I wish you the best!

Answer 3

We don't play fight. We may wrestle but we do it gently. I think your husband is out of line. He was overbearing and is the cause of your knee injury. It's okay to play but in this case I think he was purposely trying to hurt you. After he saw you pleading to get up, he should have gotten off you immediately. I would start by letting him know how I feel and asking for an apology and reassurance that he won't do that to you again. I would not engage in any more play fighting. Is there some reason why you don't work? I would look for something as the baby got older. You need some kind of money of your own. You need to learn to drive (go to driving school or ask a relative) and get a license and car. If he were to leave you today it sounds as if you wouldn't be able to support yourself or your two kids. You need to start doing you and doing what it takes to become independent.

Answer 4

i know you're afraid, but there's always a "FIRST" time, if you stay, he will do it again, you have to show him that any physical altercation is NOT ACCEPTABLE , you have to leave for now, go to a friends, make him go to anger management, file a report to document it. there are so many agencies that can help you, wic social services will help with bills, food bank, at least sign up on section 8 ans affordable housing list, takes 3 minutes on line, list is years long, but... if you still qualify in a few years, you can get a place really cheap, nice apt, just always keep the postcard they will mail you, and go on line to update where you live if you move in the years. I WISH someone told me to do it, now I'm 40 disabled, dependent on a man been on list 2 years, got 4 more maybe until I get to the top, we all should apply, what can it hurt, if you reach the top and don't need it, make too much money, no worse off, and you can make like 40,000 a year to qualify. reach out for help, it's there. the gov will pay most if not all daycare costs, I found that out after most my check went to daycare, they paid 90% for my one kid, 100% for the other, same place where you get wic will know. you DON'T NEED a man just cause you have a baby, make him get help, then maybe work it out, that's the only way, or it will get worse, you'll feel more stuck

Answer 5

Sounds like he holds all the cards. B/c he has never been physically abusive before, doesn't mean he won't or isn't already. And the fact that you don't have a checking/savings acct, lic. and so-forth should be red flags that he has been at the very least controlling you. And that almost always leads to physical abuse.
Call a DV hot-line and talk to a professional, it may be more than a knee injury NEXT time. And you would not him to spill the abuse onto the kids as happens too. Take care and don't wait to make that call!!!!!!!!!!

Answer 6

First off, dear, he knows what he did. Somewhere he knows it was wrong, even if he will let himself admit it.

So, for now you have to let it go.

The issue I have with your question is this:

You get into arguements so heated that he's giving himself permission to get into your personal space.

You need to learn, right now, the signals for when a disagreement is going south. Once he's stated his point, then you have to decide whether or not to respond.

You can say, "Hon, I just don't have an answer for that." and walk away when he becomes unreasonable. Say it calmly.

The minute your heart starts to race and your blood pressure is going through the roof...that's when you end it.

E-mail him with the issue at hand and the solution as you see it. Ask him to e-mail you back with the solution he prefers.

Work it out over the internet.

Do not have conversation regarding the topic. If he brings it up just let him know you're going to need some time to think on it.

Learn the subtle and fine art of manipulating the conversation towards something positive. ..."oh, and your Mom called. We're invited to dinner on Sunday. Do you want to bring a bottle of wine or something?"

Change the topic, leave the room, take a shower, fold. Whatever is diversionary.

I recommend you start asking him every day if there is anything you can do for him. If he makes a request, "I'm out of bottled water." Then follow through and get some water for him when you go to the store.

When you do this you indicate you have some thought for him in your day. It is also a great pre-emptive move, as he has had an opportunity to ask for what he wants in an appropriate setting.

Research proper nutrition online and incorporate. Research depression and nutritional support for depression if you feel this is an issue. Cut back on sugars and simple carbs as much as is reasonable. Incorporate a good daily vitamin into your routine, and get enough rest.

Exhaustion will lead to explosive situations when we're just too tired to deal.

You listed your issues with dependence on your marriage: no job, no checking/savings account, no car, no license. Aquire these things. How long will it take?

Monitor his behaviors, manipulate out of an arguement when you see it coming, and take steps toward being an independent adult.

Quit encouraging his perception of you as a dependent and help him to see you as a partner.

Hopefully, this last deal was just him testing waters, and he is truly remorseful for your injury. Even if he won't express it.

Let this fight slide, don't bring it up anymore, treat him as if he already is the man you love and admire. Aim for the end result. Good luck.

and God bless you and yours, dear...

Answer 7

First of all, the critical thing isn't whether or not he understands he's been abusive--it's whether YOU do. I hope with all my heart that you understand that this was not all right, that this was absolutely an act of abuse. I hope that whether or not he "sees" this truth, that you take the actions you need to take to protect yourself and your children.

This means that you will need to take some actions on your behalf. Actions like: get a job. Put money in a bank account. Get a driver's license. If your husband "won't let" you do those things for yourself and tries to keep you trapped in the house without access to money or transportation, then you are in a truly dangerous situation, and you can't waste any time trying to get him to change or figuring out "why" you are in this situation: you simply need to get the H**L out of there while you and your kids are still breathing.

Answer 8

I believe too much time has passed to have him arrested, but you can file a police report, that could come in handy if you need to file a restraining order in the future.
Your next best step is to find a crisis shelter and stay there for awhile.
Not that I'm saying leave him and get a divorce (unless you're ready) but that he needs a WAKE UP CALL.
Let him know you mean business and aren't fooling.
Maybe and hopefully you two can work it out, but you need some space to decide what you want and he needs some to realize the consequences of his actions.
Good Luck 2 U!

Answer 9

Hitting is not the only form of physical abuse. If you have to ask Stop asking what you should do and do what you KNOW you should do. Obviously you weren't honest with the doctor who put you in the brace and crutches because the doctor would have advised you to report your injuries to the police, the doctor would have taken photographs for police evidence. I suggest you take yourself and your child to the police station and have a restraining order put against him and site your injuries as reason. They will get you to a shelter where you will be advised on your next step.

Answer 10

this is serious! talk to the cops! talk to the counselors! move out of the house, stay away from him, find a safe place to live (parents, sibblings, friends, or even a new apt.), until you've seen a professional help to assess the problems and resolved the problems.

i question if you should stay in this relationship/marriage seeing how he's been abusive. it's an ugly ordeal to be with an abusive husband. most of the time, the victims can't get out of the relationship and blame themselves. but in your case it seems like just a beginning phase so please seek professional help in your city while you still can. most importantly, please keep in mind that you cannot change an abusive person to be non-abusive. that's a common wishful thinking many abused victims have.