An Angel on earth indeed I have found
For my heart with your eyes in a second you've bound
So much do you care and with all of your love
But where does it go
Frail like a dove
Yet mighty in spirit - an intent resolve
A mystery to me
And my kingdom to solve
May kingdom be empty I do have my soul
So that will I bear if only to know
Okay
Hurtful and tearing your core
Does that fit?
Hope
Perplexed and much more
Oh my God I can't fix it
To give you the peace that I once tasted
Though I glimpse the peace now and feel my life has been wasted
But for more than a time - to you from now on
I know not when it left me
Just that it's gone
Only in our brief time I wouldn't be me without you
A beginning you gave me
So sweet and so new
You are stunning - unspeakable
I look in your eyes and go blank
I wouldn't be me and it is you that I thank
2007-09-08 14:57:05 · 3 answers · asked by acesfourpal 4 in Arts & Humanities ➔ Poetry
Well, I agree with both replies so far...and yes, you do have a couple cliches: angel on earth, frail like a dove.
Remember, a poem is supposed to convey an idea, not be a collection of self-gratifying word plays...and contrived rhymes are the bane of any good poem...rhymes like blank/thank.
Go back, start over, figure out what you want to say and just say it. If you have to start out in free verse to get the concepts right, then do so...you can always go back and see if you can create the same image in rhymed form if you feel you must...but if the rhyme doesn't sound natural, if it sounds forced or awkward, avoid it. Better to write good free or open verse than bad rhymed poetry.
...keep writing
2007-09-12 04:31:17 · answer #1 · answered by Kevin S 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Through some pitiful effort to be impressive through sophisticated wordery, you have effectively butchered a potentially mediocre collection of phrases.
Okay at best.
Try to make your point clear and don't rely on a dizzying intellectual barrage to hide your lack of poetic skill.
Contrary to the previous answerer, the poem is relatively cliche free, one good thing.
2007-09-08 16:19:12 · answer #2 · answered by Harry Lillis 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
My advice: avoid cliches like the plague. ;)
2007-09-08 15:01:02 · answer #3 · answered by Mrs. Maintenance 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋