Is the first page of my novel any good? Should I continue?

Question

It consumed him.
It coursed through his veins like a drug, forcing him onwards.
A force intangible yet unrelenting.
Through the trees and bushes he ran, thorns and briars ripping at his skin.
The cool night air whipped through him, but couldn’t cool the burning pain.
This was not the pain of the flesh wounds, they were insignificant, this was immense; the fire inside him, driving him insane, keeping him in a state of perpetual agony. To him this torture would never end, but would have to be released somehow.
At this point only he mattered. There was only him and the pain. Any soul in his way would face naught but paroxysms of rage.
He clumsily sprinted on, not yet knowing where each foot should land, or when.
A hunger was growing inside him which couldn’t be ignored.
It started to rain but he kept running, the droplets steaming off his burning back, he didn’t know where or why, but he kept running.

Instinct had taken over and it seemed as if his nose was leading the way.
He no longer saw as he used to. Image was black and white, but smells and sounds overlaid it with vivid streams of bright colour.
As he raced through the woodlands he felt detached from his actions, as if watching from a different perspective. He didn’t know what he was doing, he only knew that he was doing it.
He surged through to the edge of the forest, panting and out of breath, but he continued on, as many had done before him, through instinct alone, over the rocky ground until he reached the edge of a great cliff.
Here, finally, the rage allowed him to stop.
He paused for a few moments, regained his breath, then tilted his head towards the heavens and gazed at the great lunar orb that he now hated and feared.
And then, for some ancient reason completely unknown to himself, in a final phenomenal release of agony and ecstasy, he let out a tormented and primal howl.

To Jesy, it is supposed to be a mystery who this character is, and I hope, for a while at least, it isn't even obvious if he is human. This will be the start of the book and the very next page will be totally unrelated. It will introduce the main character, who may or not be the one in the opening. Obviously when characters are introduced their names will be used

Persiphone, lol, I do use naught in day to day speach. I write as my friends and I speak. I'm from Ireland by the way in case you're wondering.

Answer 1

It is perfectly fine that you do not want to identify this person yet. However you must find a way to break up your sentence structure and vary it more. Right now it reads like an announcer at a baseball game. He swings, he is rounding first, heading for second, here he comes, he slides into home plate ... It is just a long list of what this person (or thing) does one after another.

Cormac Mc Carthy did an amazing job of this in The Road. He never does give his characters names. It is just a man and a boy heading for the sea. And yet he brilliantly manages to avoid this laundry list kind of writing.

Secondly, to borrow a brilliant quote from Stephen King who is a cool guy except for his choice of baseball teams - The Road to Hell is Paved With Adverbs.

Make a sign. Hang it on your monitor. Clumsily - a terrible word. There is a good sentence where you can take out the he in the beginning. Let's see what we can do with that one.

Sprinting on, he didn't know where or when his clumsy feet should land.

You also have to be very aware of syntax. Sometimes your sentences are in a very awkward word order.

And avoid artsy sounding phrases ... "naught but paroxysms of rage"??? How many times in your life have you used that phrase? Be honest ... Have you ever said "naught" once? I haven't and I am a lot older than you and have written a lot more. Work on developing your own voice. Write like you were telling me the story out loud. Make it sound like YOU- not like Stephen King or Dean Koontz or anybody else. YOU.

You also need some work on your punctuation, but that, too, will come. Keep working. Pax- C

Answer 2

Hi Anthony. Apparently you've posted this before, but it's new to me so I'll offer some new thoughts.

It's not bad; it's a fair sight better than most of the writing samples offered in this forum.

I didn't find the repetitive use of "he" or "him" as taxing as some others here apparently did, given the circumstances that you're obviously keeping the identity of the character under wraps for your big reveal that he's a werewolf. However - it is obvious that he is a werewolf. Very obvious. So your big reveal isn't going to be much of a reveal, it's going to be a big letdown (give your readers more credit and respect - they will respect you back). Either reveal his identity in this first chapter or make some changes that obscure his identity further. Howling at a moon that he hates is a dead giveaway but, truth be told, I had him pegged by the fourth sentence.

Second, I know you want this opening chapter to be your hook, to grip the reader with the intensity and drama, but beware of being overly dramatic. You can get away with more drama for a teenage audience (which I'm assuming this is for?) than an adult audience, but still, too much overwrought drama is the sign of a sophomoric writer. If you tone it down a bit - especially those first three sentences - you'll still find it has plenty of bite, but a more sophisticated bite.

My third piece of advice is not to post anymore of your writing online. Not because some other impatient users have nothing better to do with their time than to answer your question by telling you not to post (grow up, guys), but because publishers will generally not publish content that has already appeared online. Anything posted online can be stolen and is simply no longer new, and publishers have no interest in investing in a piece of writing that is no longer original, new material. A single first chapter is not a big deal, just don't post any more of it. Share your writing with close family and friends, people whom you trust implicitly, and then when the time is right, share it with your editor.

All the while, keep in mind that no one's opinion is infallible - so if anyone tells you that you're no good, just ignore them. Name any great book ever published including the greatest classics of all time and I'll show you a book that has been rejected by numerous publishers before it went on to greatness - and those are the opinions of experts, people paid to know good books when they see them.

Keep writing, and have fun with it!
.

Answer 3

No, I wouldn't even finish the first page. I might just be tired but I lost interest at the 4th paragraph. You've described Shayla as "know-it-all" then the next sentence said Jordan was ignoring her "all-knowing attitude" which aside from being clumsy is just lazy repetition. Also, how can Shayla really be omniscient when she's asking a question? And "random strangers" is a really tired cliche. I could go on but I won't because it would be mean.

Answer 4

Your narration is getting a little Sam Spade, so he's a loner, bares the weight of right and wrong on his shoulder and is beginning to harbour signs of victim in blazing neon across his fore head, then in the darkness he hears a scream, he rushes, as if a knight into the unknown fray. He looks down and there it is.

Swack!, like lightning and darkness thrown into one big ball of electricity, collapses on the ground..unconscious.

Keep it going sounds dark.

Answer 5

It's good expect you can't keep putting "him" or "he." in there all the time you have to mention his name once in awhile. I don't know that much about writing but from reading my favorite authors books and he's a best selling that he mentions the persons name not just "him" or "he" or "she." If you keep putting those names and not the person in your books you'll have the writers confused and wondering who in the world your talking about. Also just so you know don't keep putting and not that you have but just some advice. Other then not mentioning the persons name it's pretty good. You should mention the persons names and the other charaters names once in awhile. I believe that the publishers won't publish your book if you keep having "him." and "he." or "She" and "Her." in it and not the names. I hope I helped you.

Answer 6

Terrible use of narrative, is it first person, second, third or Ominsecent? What is it about, where's the beginning Thesis to open up the book? It sounds more like a poem insted of a first page. Take some Intro. writing classes at a Community College, it will help you to learn about writing Literature and stories.

Answer 7

That's interesting. Is this part of a werewolf storyline?

Answer 8

sounds good. only problem is the often repetition of "he, a, the"

Answer 9

Why do you keep posting this?

Answer 10

stop posting this