A Virgin Dilemma?

Question

Me and my boyfriend having been exclusively seeing each other for the past two years. We are both virgins and believe that we should be married before we have any type of sexual relations with each other. Recently our relationship has become a long distance one since we are both starting our second year of college. My boyfriend will be coming back in January to finish school where I live, but here’s where the problem lies: he wants to get an apartment together. When we both discussed are feelings about getting an apartment he was for the idea and I am against it. I was raised on the saying “Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free” and I don’t believe that he truly understands where I am coming from. I think that we both should at least be engaged before we move in together and he doesn’t think so. He thinks that we should see how life would be living together before we get married. I think buy moving in together it would lessen the chances of use getting married and increase

the chances of premarital sex. How can we compromise and both be happy with our decision(s)?

everyone will get thumbs up for answering!!!!! and i will choose best answer

Thank you everyone for your unique answers and I will surely take everything that each one of you stated into consideration.

Answer 1

You should stick to your values. If you made it a goal to marry as a virgin, you cannot give in to his wishes. You would be cheating on yourself. If he TRULY loves you he will respect that and more: he will wait whatever time is necessary until you are ready to marry him and you both have financial conditions to have a place together. Another thing: is he really a virgin? You mention in your question: "we are both virgins and (both) believe that WE should be married before we have any tupe of sexual relations." So he's contradictory in what he told you. First he said that then he turns around and says he wants to get a place with you even before you marry and... does he really think that you are not going to do anything while you are under the same roof? If he really thinks about YOUR welfare first he should change his mind and respect your wishes about you wanting to wait until after you marry to live together. Mistake commonly made by lots of people: "lets live together to see if it works first then we marry." That's wrong! So that means you're entering a serious commitment with doubts in your head, so you are not 100% sure that you are going to put your best to make it work and you don't trust the other people enough for that matter. You should not back off, if what you decide was to marry as a virgin and get things done the right way, then don't let him change your mind. If he insists too much, you will then see that he doesn't have your best interest in prospective, he wants that for selfish reasons because he just cannot WAIT.

Answer 2

If you are truly committed to remaining virgins until your married you should not move in together. The easy access to each other would be way too hard to resist temptation.
Especially after a long distance relationship.

Try and spend every day together for a week, and do the mundane duties in life, laundry, cleaning, grocery shopping, cooking meals, clean up, and then you'll both have an idea of what living together will be like.
Your second week of spending every available time together should be to discuss your, finances, future education, jobs, were you'll locate to,how many children each wants. All of this plus all the mundane duties and your going to classes, will put enough stress and presure on each of you that living together will no longer be the romantic picture that is in your heads.

I wish you both the best of luck and hope youcan stay true to your beleifs.

Answer 3

You are right why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free. You both had an understanding before he left so what as changed now? You have been together for two years and if he doesn't know you by now then I have to wonder if he ever will. You don't have to live together to know each other. Stick to your guns about this. Not sure why things have changed on his end but, maybe you will learn more when he comes back.....Good luck....Yes you should be engaged first and even then I think you should think long and hard about it. He needs to decide if he wants to be married at all and commit to you cause it sounds like you have put a lot into this relationship and now he wants to change the rules in the middle of the game....sorry

Answer 4

Personally, I think you should move in together. If you have been dating for two years, give it a trial run so to speak. You have no idea how different it is living together, who pays the bills, how you pay them, who sleeps on what side of the bed, who is sloppy who is the clean freak. You need to work these things out ahead of time so when you do get married it's not such a shock. I currently live with my boyfriend, we have been for over a year now and we discover something new about each other every day. It has made us stronger and closer. Times have changed and living together is no longer a stigma in society. Give it a whirl, get a short lease and see how it goes. Good luck to you both!

Answer 5

If you move in together, it will be harder to stay away from sex or some sort of sexual gratification. If you move in together, however, you will find out after the novelty wears off, that you both have faults. That is what happens in marriage and why a lot of marriages do not succeed, as you have NO idea how a person really lives, there are habits of a lifetime to get used to and some are pretty gross. So there is good and bad in moving in together. I think that he has some doubts about marriage itself - and that he is considering some other relationship by pressuring you to move in with him after all this time.

Answer 6

This is a very unique situation and set of circumstances. Thank-you for offering the challenge of exploring and sharing your "real life" dilemma. I think I will go through this in an analytical way...so I am not by any means judging and will probably present questions that have to be answered to arrive at some inspired answers. I think it is a great idea to present this dilemma for others to ponder. We can all learn and it is a way to standback and take views from different angles.

I think we can agree this is a complex question with complex answers. The older and more sophisticated you get...the more you are forced not to address things in a black and white / cut and dried fashsion. Like... "You must be married before you have any type of sexual relations". It is easy to follow "ritualistic thinking" as a kid...but as you mature ....things change. That is where the "dilemma" starts to rear it's head. Family rules, and other's beliefs and values start to not apply so you are forced to rationally review your own. (not saying anyone is wrong!)

Our personal sexual moral rules are formed based on our individual histories and life experiences. Most relationships are in a state of flux ...they have some movement or rhythm. Having been apart (the long distance situation you described) ...to some degree...has put your relationship in a "holding pattern". This has caused the relationship to maybe be "less defined" since you both have had to become more emotionally independent of each other while separated.

E-mail and phone calls don't hold a candle to sharing day to day experiences and responsibilities. The relationship can loose some intensity from a previous level. There is a level of intimacy and developement of trust ...that is associated sharing day to day stuff AND with "self-disclosure". Goes without saying; what the ultimate self-disclosure one can give to another is....I am not saying anything about that ...except the first time is particularly significant and you will never forget it. I am not minimizing that whatsoever.

Let me go back to the issue of how relationships are "defined". Usually that IS the problem with relationships...they are not defined...then the parties have differing expectations or misunderstood ones. Some of these misunderstandings can lead to the deepest hurt.

We tend to play repeated scenarios in our heads ...as a result, the morality of the relationship becomes unclear or doesn't seem to match with the significant other's. The dilemma is: how to juggle a fading sense of intimacy ...with what is the appropriate expression of the relationship. Be prepared to face (at this point in his life) that your relationship is has lost some intensity. This isn't unlike what married people feel from time to time so ...don't take it personally or defensively. Obviously it should be acknowledged and talked about.

Your family credo "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free" Is the kind of advice that families give teenagers to deflate early immature lustful attractions. Mature responsible adult love ...is not a carrot to be dangled. I don't think love is a commodity like milk ...that has to be bought or sold. We have to watch what family tapes we play or say.

In mature love...there comes a point where you take a leap of faith....you act from your heart...you take risks...you allow yourself to be vulnerable to each other. That is where the value and the meaning comes from. I AM NOT SAYING YOU HAVE TO HAVE SEX TO PROVE YOURSELF. I am just saying there really is a time you have to make the decision or not and turn off the mechanisms and tear down the barriers you have used to defend with. That can be very hard to do when you have spent your life up to that point telling youself and others no. [Disclaimer...we are talking mature adults "over 21" college students --not teenagers].
I am just saying you might want to open up some dialogue between you both and define the relationship, the boundaries and WHY?. You might also entertain what each of you think HOW you see the relationship evolving.

Seems like he is pushing for a progression ...is that bad? This is not a time to lead anyone along. You are basically practicing some skills (communication) required in marriage. It's OK if you need to slow it or stop it...but being very honest is what a relationship has to be based on. If the relationship is too fragile to handle that...it was probably over already. I would recommend to go slow and gentle...getting feedback and giving validation to his feelings.

I worry that you discount yourself and him ...when you think he would dump you if you become intimately involved. My question to you is why do you think that? Do you have knowledge or a gut feeling about him you arent being honest about to yourself and him?

As I re-read what I wrote, I realize I am reacting to some similar circumstance I had in college. It wasn't quite the same...but bascially I was in your position. I stalled in the relationship and I didn't explain myself...she felt rejected and Mr.Right showed up for her ...at the wrong time for me. I didn't realize how we missunderstood each other. I learned a few years later how we both felt and if we had spent some time talking it might have be totally different. I missed my window of opportunity. You have an investment of two years...just cautioning you to not make assumptions, dont be dogmatic, and think outside the box. I have some regrets. I hope this doesnt sound like a lecture. Good Luck!

Answer 7

The first thing I'm going to say is that I agree with you. I was in your situation at one time and at the time us moving in together meant my making a long commute and being farther away from my friends and family. I simply told him, that I loved him, but I will not make that kind of sacrifice for a boyfriend and if we were close distance wise-I would have said the same thing. A year later, we got engaged and we moved in together. We were engaged for 14 months which I believe is plenty of time to get to know someone before you get married. And after your married, its still different and its still an adjustment. Stick to what you believe in. If he breaks up with you over this, then he wasn't worth it to begin with.

Answer 8

Ok, first of all usually the saying "why buy the cow when the milk is free " saying is usually for those that live together as husband and wife (which includes sex) , which doesnt exactly sound like that would be your case if ur both planning on being virgins till you get married.. u living together would be more like roomates that "make out" but go no further.. so u will still leave him wanting more and as long as u stick to your guns about not having premarital sex.. then the "ring" will still come down the line..but thats only if ur both strong enough not to give in to temptation when ur with each other constantly.. which will be extremely hard to do living together.. but if u can do it.. then i think that u'd be ok.. , i mean tech. it wouldnt even be "living in sin" cause u'd actually have to be doing the "sin" part for that to qualify as living in sin..

Also marriage is very tuff.. and i do feel in this day and age it is good to live with each other first because there are so many things about your bf that u will not know about till you live together for awhile, bad habits , quirks, mood swings etc.. and those things at times actually cause marriages to break up..

My advice to u.. Say u will only agree to living with him, if he agrees that u both will remain virgins until marriage no matter how strong the temptation, that u must not have sex.. (if he wants that he needs to get the ring and the i do's) Tell him that if at any time the temptation gets to strong for either of you, that one of u will have to find other living arrangements.. because u refuse give all of yourself to someone your not married to.. if he's true to his commitment , if he respects ur beliefs of your own personal commitment to yourself, then this wont be a problem.. and when the urge gets to much for him to handle, he'll buy u that ring, "BUT DO NOT" give up your virginity until your wedding night.. because the ring doesnt mean anything but a promise that could be broken easily and id hate for u to bank on him just because of an engagement just to later regret it if he doesnt go through with the marriage part, so do wait..till ur married to have sex.

Good luck.. IF HES TRUELY THE ONE , he'll love you and stand by u no matter what u decide to do in this situation.. and if he's the one, he will wait for you until u are married to have sex.. so dont be scared.... worse case scenerio he's not the one, and ur saving urself for "the one"..

Answer 9

You have to trust your heart on this one... Don't let your parents or the guy push you on this. If you don't feel you can live together without having sex, then don't do it. It sounds like you guys have went to great lengths to get this far, so stick to your guns. It will be a great testimony to tell your future children. It is possible to live together without having sex. I had a friend who didn't get married until she was 25 and she lived with her boyfriend for 2 years before marriage. You just have to know your limits and make the choice that is right for you. Pray about it and talk about it. Does he still want to wait to have sex? If your goals and values are still the same then you can make it happen. You can have sex anytime regardless if you are living together or not... So don't think that sharing a set of keys means you have to have sex. You could even have seperate rooms if it would make you feel more secure in your descison. Stay strong and honest with yourself and your guy. Another thing... You don't want to get married so you can have guiltless sex either. Lots of Christians get caught up in thinking they are pleasing God by getting married... When the underlying motive was sex. Sex doesn't mean love and it doesn't mean forever. Marriage or no marriage. Living together can be an excellent way to see what living together 24/7 can be like before you make a spiritual committment. You don't know a man until you have picked up his dirty undies and seen him manage a household. Don't let anyone on here or in your life make this choice. You have to do what is right for you. You are the only one who knows if you can do this... So pray about it and follow your heart.

Answer 10

I agree it increases your chances of having sex. Do you want to get married just so you can have sex? It's not a very good idea. Marriage is hard. You have to learn to accept how another person lives. You become the closest person to them. You share their joys and they'll lean heavy on you in bad times. Sometimes people are the worst to the people who are the closest. Like I said, marriage tough. Worth it if you have the right partner. You can't really know someone until you live with them. You can't really "live" with them if you aren't having sex with them. Sex changes things. Which is one of the issues I see with abastaining until marriage. So, you don't move in, you don't have sex, you get married. What if you find you can't really get along? 57% of marriages end in divorce. What do you gain by waiting to move in or for sex? Take it slow. Seperate rooms until you're ready or whatever. If you don't think he's the right guy after 2 years then it's time for you to move on already.