My husband is controlling and hit me, but says his childhood had no problems?!?

Question

I am curious why would he deny any childhood issues. He is insecure, has trouble with expressing anger, defensive, demanding, etc. We know that our behavioural issues stem from our childhood. Okay, I know his parents and I really like them. One observation I made was that his mom is totally "emotionally flat" (his sister confirmed that their mom showed little compassion/affection towards them). His dad once hit his grandchild with a newspaper on the head for a joke (I witnessed it). Other than that - nothing. Isn't it bizzarre? I am no wallflower, but still trying to figure out how come he turned out to kick me in the butt. Should I be scared? I have to say that our relationship has from bad to death and I constantly worry "will he kick me again or not", "should I be scared or is it a one-off"? Help!

I did not realise that our relationship was abusive until lately. Plus my family is back home, in a different country. Okay, okay, I have my own issues - my mom used to beat me up when I was small, but I was sure I dealt with it. Until recently.

He got mad (he thought I left a dent on a parked car). I don't remember how sore it was, but it was more of a shock. Actually I am still in shock.

Answer 1

Sounds to me like you need to go Lorena Bobbit on him one night while he's asleep...

Answer 2

You need to get to a shelter as quick as possible and make sure that he can't find you. Yes He could be very dangerous and it doesn't matter at this point why he does what he does just that he's abusing you. Once you're safe you can figure out the whys and where fore. I know that it's not easy but there are places where you can go that will help you but you have to make sure that you don't let anyone know or he will find you and try to convince you that you're the one with the problem. There are very few times when it's a one time thing. Call a women's shelter while he or you are at work and find out how they can help you get out of the situation. The longer that you stay the harder that it will be. And I don't know if you have children but if you do or don't do you really want to raise them with the fear that they or you could be hurt? It would be teaching your daughters that this is the way that a man treats a woman and the same for your son's. Most men who abuse watched their father's abuse their mother's. He may say that there was no issues in his childhood because he may think that this is the way that men treat women. If he thinks that this is normal than that would explain why he doesn't think that there was a problem in his child hood.

Answer 3

Hello there.,

I do not know the complete history of your relationship with your husband, nor do I know what his chilhood was like.

However, the basic rule in any relationship is to give respect to get respect.

If I were you - I would certainly not let go of this instance. I would let him know that this is certainly not an acceptable behaviour and that he needs to mend his ways (Being in a marriage , its not easy to let go off your partner). Hence I would let him know is this happens again, the consequences wouldnt be in his best interest. (Possible jail time due to Domestic Violence).

I believe every human has the right to first protect him/herself in defense.

I hope he does not make the same mistake again and that things will get better for the two of you.

Good Luck!

Thanks,
Best,
Jyoti Sambare

Answer 4

Alyssa- PLEASE get out of this relationship! Do you have children with ur abuser? I realize it is difficult, but, I lived this way once, also. It really doesn't matter what happened in his childhood. The issue with you is what you are facing NOW! I would suggest you get out of there, don't tell him, as he will do something to ur vehicle, or worse, TO YOU! YOU SHOULD BE SCARED! Do you want to live like this the rest of ur life? PLEASE call Crisis Intervention Services, A Women's Shelter, or ur Family- GET OUT OF THERE! His behavior is only escalating, and men like this can convince you it is UR fault. Honey, it is NOT! I was so beat on- He'd wake me up after he got up in the middle of the night after he got home, accuse me of being "out", as the car hood was "warm"- and I had a baby @ home and had been nowhere, nowhere @ all! He'd beat me to a pulp for no reason, and had me believing that I deserved this. Is this where you are? Hey, it don't matter about his upbringing. It only matters about HOW U LIVE @ THIS TIME!!!!!! Please get help- and get it NOW! Don't tell him, please, don't tell him you are leaving. I hope he isn't looking @ this. If you have to, call the Police, but, it is best to get out of there, and deal with ur possesions later. Take care- Good Luck - and be SAFE!

Answer 5

Alyssa, you have several questions pertaining to this situation. With all of Yahoo Members advice, why do you still need convincing that this isn't healthy and to leave him? The more you stay with him, the more you will have to put up with it. "You get what you accept". Period. So stop this nonsense, and get out now. Stop venting by writing about it, and take action so that you yourself can be happy again. :-) I'm concerned with you staying with him and getting hurt even more. Heed our advice here on Yahoo Answers. And take action! Best of luck to you girl.

Answer 6

Um, ONE hit/kick is ONE TOO many.

Furthermore, childhood issues are excuses for people who are not able to cope with life period. My childhood sucked! My mother AND father showed no love and emotion for my siblings or myself yet my daughter is shown love on a daily basis, I make sure of this so I don't repeat my childhood.

She NEVER has to question whether she is loved or not. We show emotion and affection everyday. Complete opposite of my childhood. I never cried in front of my parents for fear of being humiliated. I make certain my daughter has no quarms about that.

He has issues and you do not need to be with someone that has already shown an abusive side.

Answer 7

If he kicked you from anger... He better darn well have apologized. It sounds like a lack of maturity on his part and it may not be his parents. He could just have a bunch of really immature friends that treat their wives/girlfriends the same place.

I would just let him know that you are still concerned about it and it will permanently damage your trust in him if he does it again.

Sadly we all do stupid things sometimes... and being guys we aren't smart enough to apologize. But ya if he does it again after you let him know you aren't cool with it... off to the battered woman's shelter with you.

Answer 8

I'm not a PhD, but i think you both need help an the sooner the better,you can't control him at this point,he could be reacting to your not a wallflower looks an just jealous,now if you can't take his diaper off an spank his but an put him to bed,,,,go get help,now!!!!!<>IS<>

Answer 9

a man is as you know , from birth , a hand full ,, and most are childish ,, some arent but most are , if you're living with one of the chilish type , he will be controling , this is because he is childish , and may be for ever , it is what defines him as Man ,, women are nice , understanding people who , for some reason like men ,, I don't know why , I don't like men , I find them childish and selfish ,, and controling ,, and would fight with any one of them whop wanted to get it on ,, but then again , I could be exibiting my own child like behavior, if you like him try to talk him out of it ,,, It takes a comitment ,, men are just that way ,, thats why we live alone ,,

Answer 10

Dear Young Lady: This is a trouble relationship, there is a time bomb ready to go off, when your husband is controlling and hit you time an again,you need to end this relationship.

Answer 11

He was simply raised in a terrorist-style "traditional" upbringing...

The man is never wrong... the woman is always to blame...

I would leave if I were you... it gets worse before it gets better.

When you say "kicked you in the butt" - how serious are we talking? Bruises? Tears? Or just a little rough play?