I really need some advice about this question!! Please!!?

Question

OKay , so i have been w/ my BF for 5 years... I am 21 years old now. We have 2 daughters together and just built out second house.... but i dont think where in love anymore. Hes very controlling and doesnt let me go out to see my friends, and if he does he has to come. He has never trusted me. And i cant help but to resent him, I feel like i missed out on alot of being a teenager, i moved out w/ him when i was 16, and have barley got to see my friends since. I so badly want to go out and see my friends. So i have started playing Second LIfe its a online game, but he is so mad about it and has talked about taking away the computer. But i need somthing!! I have my daughters and i love them but its hard. And he is always working and doesnt pay much attention to them... so what im trying to ask is should we stay together? I think about lkeaving all the time, but i feel so guilty for leaving him alone. And having kids makes the decsion even harder!Any advice at all is very appreciated

He has a big heart and works hard.. am i just being selfish? It feels like im living w/ a friend and we go through days where we dont even talk

I wanted to goback to school and told him that and he doesnt want me to. And its like i have 2 choices... leave him and be a bad mom, or stay and be unhappy. and i am thinking of my children, thats why its so hard for me to leave

Thank u all soo much or your advice... I never thought before about how i need to give him the chance to see know all my feelings and see if he changes or tries to atleast...... I cried after reading all your responses.. this is the hardest thing i have ever gone through ever and thank u all for understanding. *hugs*

Answer 1

No, you're not being selfish. You are entitled to a life of more than your boyfriend and your daughters. You are entitled to have friends and outside interests and to see your family.

In your shoes, I'd be getting ready to leave him. A man who's that controlling is not a man I could live with.

Do you work? One way he may try to punish you is financially. If you have a job, and friends or family who might watch over the girls while you work, it becomes easier.

Don't let pity for him all alone stop you from having a life.

Answer 2

I think you and your boyfriend need a good sit down over the weekend and you need to tell him exactly how things are. It will be difficult but there are three choices:
1. You stay in the current situation and say nothing and nothing will change
2. You say nothing and move out (this will be difficult with the iddy biddy kids)
3. You have a chat and sort through everything and this way you'll know what he is feeling too.
Its hard to be the one at home all the time looking after the kids, its sometimes boring too and you need the stimulation of adult company just to feel "human". The computer is a way out but also it sometimes arises suspicions too about who you maybe talking to and the rest - so this maybe why he is sick of the computer thing - its addictive too and when your on it a lot when he comes in - he gets all jealous. I would ditch the computer game thing or at least ration it to a couple of hours on a set date - you can explain why you do it during conversation with your man.
Getting hitched early doors does not help either as you have had no time to explore life and starting a family young has robbed you of your youth (although your kids will give you so much satisfaction it will make up for it later in life). All this or whatever you feel needs to come out.
This "chat" will help clarify what you are both thinking - then you can make a plan for the next stage.
Maybe arrange a family day out on his next day off. Go out of the home to the zoo or park - in neutral territory - this helps make sure things do not get out of hand.
Good luck

Answer 3

You surely missed ur teenage years, and jumped into adult life quite soon, but it doesnt mean it has to be the end of ur life. I do know u wanna have fun as the young woman u still are, and u should but in a way that u dont disrespect ur family, ur marriage, ur children. Maybe you and ur husband need to sit and talk on how to have fun together and after u do, maybe he'll give u a break and won't see it as the greatest sin to go and see ur old friends. Whatever u do, just think deep in ur heart if u still love him, not like u did before cause love changes over the years but it doesnt disappear. think about what is best for u, ur children and him. if there is no hope and u feel miserable most of the time then pray to God and do what u have to do...God bless.

Answer 4

Control freaks generally have low self esteem. He doesn't want you to go back to school or have friends because he is afraid that eventually you will realize that there is something better out there for you. Having children together should be your reason for leaving not the other way around. What I mean by that is you don't want your daughters growing up thinking that this is the way a man is suppose to treat his woman do you?
You have 2 kids to think about and the best thing for them is for their mother to be happy. Life is way to damn short to not live....I mean really live. There is nothing to feel guilty about...You can't help the way you feel....You wanting to leave is okay because that's the way you truly feel. Beside you are way to damn young to let life just pass you by..hell at 21 life should really just be beginning.
Another thing if you are really unhappy and this guy loves you then he'll will let you go
Stop worry about him and do you

Answer 5

This is a normal reaction for acouple that gets involved at a very early age and sorry to say will usually only get worse instead of better. You both have missed out on alot of growing up and maturity developing experiences that makes us adults that can handle situations like this. Im not here to say what youve done is wrong but where you are and what you feelis normalof very young couples that miss out on their best years. But all this doesnt matter much now as you hve a marriage to contend with and doing it the hard way. You both will probably need the services of a marriage counselor to be able to dealwith most of these problems and just might save the marriage. He needs to work on his insecurities and trust issues or theyll tear him and you apart. The biggest thing here iswhat exactly do you want out of this marriage now and what you want to accomplish. Find a dream; go back to school, get a job, volunteer work,etc.whatever it is and then decide if you can accomplish that dream with or without him. True it wont be easy with your 2 daughters but its not impossible and there are people out here willing to help you if needbe as long as you initiate the looking. Good luck

Answer 6

It almost isnt even about you anymore, you have to look at what is important, your two daughters. They are your life now, they should come first, so whatever would be best for them is the decision you should make. Forget about missing out on what you think you should have been able to do as a teenager, forget about what friends you dont get to see all the time, instead focus on your children. They are your present and your future, and any actions you take affect them more than anyone else in this world. I hope you really take this to heart, and if you are a Christian, try and see where prayer takes you. Good luck on whatever you do, and try to keep in good spirits and be thankful that you have all the things you do, rather than not having the things you dont.

Answer 7

You have to ask yourself if you think a lifetime of unhappiness is what you want. Contrary to what you might believe, there are men in the world who will let you have your own individuality and friends. Couples today don't seem to understand that we all need our own space and our own friends. It would seem as though instead of showing you love and acceptance he is showing jealousy and insecurity in his relationships. Your children will suffer greatly if you don't take steps to solve this problem.
That's what really sucks. You have to take their best interests in to account when you make choices. You sound as though you know what you need to do but you are torn because you love the man.
I stayed with my ex-wife for years after I knew that the marriage was toast and there would never be a reconciliation. I only made myself miserable. I wasted years-YEARS! not a few months-struggling to make something work and it still didn't. I'd love to have those years back, now, but I can't. I felt guilty, too, for leaving my children behind but I was miserable and I was making them miserable in the process. You only have one life and a stable relationship doesn't necessarily mean you are going to be happy.

Having said all this I must take time and remind you that I am a totally different person from you. You and your children ultimately have to live with your decision. I want you to remember that you are very young and things can and do change. Difficulties are going to come up in your relationships and in your everyday life. Men do not generally become secure in themselves until they get a little older than he is and
LONG-TERM RELATIONSHIPS TAKE HARD WORK.
The notion that relationships just happen naturally is a myth, or more correctly speaking, a lie. You both have to work at it and you both have to communicate. It sounds like you both need some counseling. It isn't anything to be ashamed of and if he isn't too proud to do it, it might just help.
Don't throw away five years of your life because a bunch of people who don't know you and anonymously answer your question tell you, "He's a control-freak and you need to dump him". He may be stressed about something else. It might be causing him to take it out on you.
I would hate to hear that you dumped him because fifty people on this site lined up to bash the guy and you didn't see at least one person asking you to consider a more balanced point of view.
I understand the loneliness that you're going through. You have to remember that there are those who will help you and those who will hurt you.
I wish you much better luck than I had and I also hope for you to gain an understanding that happiness is something you have to work for, it doesn't just happen.

Answer 8

If you didn,t have the girls and were alone with him I,d say leave the relationship behind and start a new life without him.Because you have the girls I would say tell him all of these things and how it makes you feel.Open a line of communication with him and get him to voice how he feels too.Couple counselling is the last resort and hope for a bad marriage or relationship.He has no right to try and control you and treat you like a child by taking away the computer ect. That,s abusive behaviour,not allowing you to see your friends and isolating you from everyone is a red warning flag for domestic abuse and violence.He has to realize he has a problem.Get professional help immediately for you and your childrens sake at least.

Answer 9

Is he your boyfriend or is he your father? I think it's time for you to put your foot down. You need to have a life outside of your husband and your children. Plan to go out with your friends, and let him know that he is not invited. You don't have to explain anything to him, and no you are not being selfish. If you want to play on the computer then you tell him that you are not a child anymore, and you certainly aren't one of his children so back off. Until you let him know what his place is he will continue to run your life. When all your friends leave, and no longer want to be friends with you then you will become depressed, and you will shut down from everything. Is that what you want? I think you need to let him know that there are things you need to do other than being around kids all day, and that you are hanging out with your friends and that's final.

Answer 10

My bf is the same way. Very controlling and it has to be ok with him before I go and see my sisters. The minute he gets home he wants me right there with him. He calls this love but I think its more like possessing. I dont have friends anymore because it was too inconvenient to be on the phone with them and he come in and see me on the phone and give me attitude when I got off. So now I just have to use email. I know this sounds sad but we also have been together for 5 yrs and have 2 kids together. You are just going to have to weigh the situation and see if your freedom is worth what it will do to your kids! think about it real good. Good Luck girl.