Criticize my book?

Question

I'm starting a new book, its called "Bumble bee kisses". I haven't writen much, but can you give me your opinion? Please don't steal it either.

i'll post it later

Bumble Bee Kisses

As I lay on the park bench, thinking about my memories, seem to fade every time I think about them. I no longer have a home, parents, or even friends. I don’t know who I am. I reach into my grubby brown coat pocket, and pull out what seems to be my wallet. Theirs a license, is this me?

Ryan James
That’s probably my name, I sort of remember it. As I sit up there’s a women across from me. She’s knitting what it seem to be mittens; she greets me with a warm smile.
“Hello dear” she says
“H…Hi” my voice was low and broken. I cleared my throat.
“You’ve been sleeping there for a while now”
“How long?”
“Oh about a week”
A week?
“Yeah police came by a little while ago, trying to wake you up. Boy, you are a strong sleeper.”
“I guess.” I flashed a little smile
“Ah, all done” she held up her mittens, she smiled again.
“They look great”
“Yeah I made it for me grandson, for his birthday.

. When is yours?”
“I don’t know, I don’t think I have one”
“Everyone has a birthday” she looked concerned
“I don’t remember, I don’t remember anything”
“Oh dear, you poor thing” she rushed to my aid and hugged me. “You don’t look so great either”
“Oh”
“Why don’t you come to my house, I’ll fix you a bath…”
“No thanks” I cut her off. I don’t want any pity.
“I’ll take that as a yes” she smiled sweetly got her stuff and gestured me to follow.
I stayed were I was.
She sighed and grabbed my hand and dragged me. I guess I didn’t have a choice.
It was kind of weird walking at first, I lost my balanced easily. She always caught me before I fell. When we made it to her house, she told me to dry off my feet before entering. As I entered my eyes widen. She has cases of knickknacks, books, pictures, and random things. Her house smelled like peppermint. She told me to make my self at home. That’d be easy if I knew what a home felt like.

Answer 1

Read the first sentence to yourself out loud. It doesn't make sense. You are missing something.

Sleeping on a bench for a week? A kid? And nobody noticed him or did anything? Also not to be gross but wouldn't he have soiled himself within a week? Kind of hard to believe cops would allow a kid to sleep on a bench an entire week without picking him up. You need to rethink that a little bit.

The rest seems like a good start. Pax- C

Answer 2

It's an interesting start, but some of the wording could be reworked. But that's later, for now this is a rough draft.

One thing to keep in mind too is how would people react if this was real. If a guy fell asleep for a week on a bench, and the police couldn't wake him, he'd probably be in a hospital hooked up to life support. So I'd suggest you change the setting a little bit. Have him wake up out in the country, away from any population center. The woman knitting the mittens could be the only person around, increasing her mystery as well.

Good luck, I'd like to read it when you're done.

Answer 3

well... one thing i think you need is better transitions. you can't be in the park and then in the house in another sentence. there should be gradual sentences towards the next setting. work on that.
secondly, i think that your discriptions of the people and the characters should be better. i should be able to visually see the characters in my mind while reading. however, im sure you have more of that and just didn't want to write them all down.

one thing that really bothered me was you had one quote from the boy, and then one from the women, then from the boy, and the the woman again. thats not the problem. the problem is you should say who just spoke the quotes after every one/ other one. i think you should have things like the quote from the woman and then after the quotations say something like " '.....(quote from the woman).....' she said to me softly." or something that acknowlages who is speaking. you shouldn't just have listings of quotes with out recognization. if the reader had to put the book down to do something and then pick it up later, they should be able to know who had just spoken without having to resort back to the top and mentally trace every other quote with the last person in mind.

work on those things and i think that you will have a well plotted, and written book.

best of luck!

Answer 4

I agree with the first person. You also need to look into editing a LOT. There are a bunch of grammatical errors, not to mention a TON of punctuation errors.

Answer 5

It sounds good i guess, i think you started in it to early going home with a lady. I think you should slow get to that part