My new husband is having a hard time getting along with my children 2 girls ages 15 and 10.?

Question

I understand this an adjustment for all of us. I always seem to be stuck in the middle. I just don't know what to do anymore. Any suggestions?

just to add just this morning we had a little dispute - my 10 year old acted disrespectful towards my husband. i asked him to sit her down and discuss with him what she thinks the problem is. He responded to me that children should just do what they're told that he doesn't have to sit and talk with her. And by the way we have been together for 9 yrs, married 4 1/2 months.

Answer 1

sounds to me you should have figured this kind of thing our BEFORE you got married
how can you be with someone who disrespects your kids in such a way as to say he dosnt need to talk to them
sounds like he needs some lessons in people skills, childhood and parenting

yes this will take time and they will need to trust him but i guarantee they will never trust him if hes decided he wont even talk to them but will order them about and treat them like they dont have any say in your and their lives

your children really need to come first, you may love your husband, but he obviously has some problems that need sorted out
you have kids and he needs to understand kids, he clearly didnt take the time before to get to understand kids or more importantly get to understand YOUR kids

also i think he could be jealous and or have control and power issues,
and id say not just with the kids, with you too, seeing as he just told you your kids dont need to be talked to they will do what they are told,
you clearly not only have your own rules on parenting-which he will know by 9 years of being with you- BUT he also dissed and ignored YOUR asking him to talk to her
thats not directed just at your kids and id say your relationship is only going to get more difficult, or rather HE is going to get more difficult unless you sort it now!
he needs to grow up and id say get some therapy and you shouldnt accept what he did, thats the beginning of the end , if he learns you will let him order your kids around and ignore what you want your relationships not going to be a happy or fair one

if youve been together 9 years thats far too long for him to be acting like a monster to your kids, he should be well past this by now and id tell him to sort it out, your kids deserve better than some grown man acting like a spoiled teenager, they are going to learn nothing from him but how to act like he is

i agree with everything mms has said, his is great advice.

Answer 2

First of all your husband is the adult, and he needs to understand that your girls probably feel like he is taking you away from them. I have 4 children (2) boys 23 & 21, then (2) girls 18 & 16. Before I re-married, it was explain to them that Mommy deserves another chance to be happy and that If I was to re-marry, it sure didn't mean that I didn't love them the same. I had a very long talk with my children alone about respect, growing up, love and asked them to give all of us a chance to become a happy family. Then I had a super long talk with my husband now of 9 yrs. about how my children were always going to be first, in every possible way. I also asked my children and my husband to tell ME if there was anything each other didn't like, so I could try to make it better. I made it very clear to my husband that I was going to be the witch and he was going to be the good one, and only to avoid conflict between my children and my husband, other wise my children would probably hate him after the first time he sounded like a father want to be. Anyways, I now my children would never hate me for being hard on them. Same way with his daughter now (25). Our children have the greatest relationship and we are a very happy family. Comunication and respect is the key. One last advise, I don't care how scare you might be or weak, don't ever show it to your children or your new husband. Also, if you see your husband is not doing anything in his part to win your girls trust, well......... He doesn't love you as much as he should and instead of having 2 girls, now you have 2 girls and a boy and if that's the case, if I were you, I would get rid of him in a ny second, cause you sure don't want to show your girls that it's ok to live with a loser. Good luck and God Bless you.

Answer 3

As the step daughter of 4 different people in the last 15 years, my view is that he should not try to be a parent, esp. considering their ages. While he should be involved in their lives, ensure that he does not feel like he's responsible for discipline because the girls will resent both of you and he will end up resenting you.

As you probably dated for some period of time before marrying, how was his relationship with them then?

Answer 4

I have been stuck in the middle before. Talk to your daughters, tell them you love your husband and you love them, that you hope you can all work together to be a happy family. Ask them what you can do to help them at this time. Then talk to your husband let him know that you want it to work out make sure he knows what you expect of him and how you want our children raised. All would have been better to do before, but do it now.
Encourage your daughters to talk to your husband and him to talk with them, ask them to do something just the 3 of them. Most of all show a united front with your husband. If you are on good speaking terms with their father you may ask him how he feels, it helps to know what he is telling them, if he is on your side then it will be even easier.
Just be patient, talk, encourage. Families take work, to be a happy family even more. Patience and understanding.

Answer 5

i take it your husband has never had children? yeah it doesn'n work like that. ever.
it's our job as a parent/stepparent to instill responibility and respect in our children it doesn't happen overnight. it takes 18 long years. biological parents have to do it everyday. it doesn't make the job easier as a stepparent either. and at 15 and 10?? is he freaking kidding me??? that's the years when it gets hardest. you two need to be united at all times. even in all forms of discipline. my oldest (9 years) went through this same thing with me and his stepfather. took me 2 months to straighten him out. he's much better now. all i had to do was ground him and slowly let up a few of his restrictions at a time. and you know what? it worked. he still has a few fallbacks, but overall he's wonderful. my 5 year old is too young to be angry about anything at the moment. but you have ot stand your ground with your childrenand not let your guilt dictate how they are brought up and what they can get away with. as for your husband, suggest going to parenting classes with him. parenting isn't an overnight process. and he needs to understand that.

one thought that always keeps to mind...how many mothers out there tell their sons to pick up their socks off the floor everday all day long? and do you know to this day over 50% of men STILL leave their socks on the floor!!???

Answer 6

Give it a time for them to get used to know him. What i would do is have a dad/daughter out to get to know each other better and see how things going or u can tag along to see how it going and try to get them understand that u love ur husband so much and u love ur daughters too. Try to do something getting along. Try something that will work out btw ur kids and ur husband too. Show them how great he is to you when it come to fun time and whatever it is so they will be fine. if not. maybe ask their father to help u out and say it alright that u got stepdad in ur life but they can alway have two dad if they like. Just think of idea that will help u out in certain way to see how it going. if it goes smoothly then it a good thing. if not i did my best.

Answer 7

You have to decide who comes first..your children or your husband. Obviously you didn't do much talking or adjusting during the time you were dating otherwise there would have been ample time for all of this adjustment to have already happened.

Answer 8

You better step up to the plate and defend his discipline on the girls. He has been around the majority of there lives. You have to do it together.

Answer 9

Maybe you should have spent a lot of time with him and your kids before you got married and prepared your daughters of what happens next.

Answer 10

wow, i feel for u guys, its hard to enter into a family with kids that are not yours, like walking on eggs, to say the least, try councling is the only thing i can tell you, good luck