husband putting his hands on my son?

Question

my son is a 9 year autistic child n behavioral problems, this morning i eard my son screaming and banging things next thing i heard it was my husband yelling at him and he took his sandal and whacked him on his leg. my son started crying, that's when i came out and started cursing at him i threw him out of the house. i was so upset! he just doen't understand that my son is a speacial child and says that i have him spoiled. which i don't think i do it just that when i put my baby on time out he has no clue why. so that's why i really don't punish him. my husband has been raising my son since he was one year and his biological father it's not in his life so i feel like i am the only that he has to defend him. my husband is the provider here iam a stay at home home of two. i will not divorce him over this unless of course it gets worse. how sholud i let him know that iam serious about him not touching my son?i was thinking about staying with my sister for a couple of days with kids.

should i leave a couple of days?

he just called saying he is deeply sorry!! i am just affraid because he him self was abuse growing up so i am scared that he is bringing that to my children

Answer 1

Get your husband and yourself to a class for parents with autistic kids so he can better understand more effective ways to deal with him. I am glad he was sorry and know even the best of us lose our cool, but he could be arrested for what he did and needs a new plan. There are very effective ways and programs for kids like your son. If you two can get together on this, it will benefit your marriage, your son, and your whole future.

We were where you were. Don't doubt yourself. If what you are doing is not working, then come together with hubby and find new ways to cope you both can deal with. Take hubby in to see the specialists. Get the right ones.

My son is now 14, in accelerated classes across the board and has better social and life skills than most grown ups I know. He had OT, PT, Social Skills training, Stress management, problem-solving, etc. We worked at one issue at a time and got through them. He is easy now and thriving. Hubby keeps his hands to himself and we usually can work out discipline. I wish he had been more involved in all of it so he had a better understanding. I wish we had more team work. In the end, it is working out because we both want it to. You guys will too.

Love, praise, behavior charts, rewards, stability, a good marriage and communication, decreased stress in the house and breaks for you both will help. Get out with hubby and get away with him. A child can drain a marriage in no time. Start looking for solutions and skip the blame game. Hubby losing his cool is a symptom that there are some problems you need to work out together, not THE problem. You are both good people. You just need a plan, a back-up plan, a team and some people that understand the real deal. Skip the blame game and don't even bother defending your parenting or your son. Hubby has to get educated, get in the game and get on the team. If he can't control himself he will have to get out. The safety of your son is your top priority. You can do it. Hang in there.

Answer 2

Ok, some people are cut out to handle handicap children some are not. I know it takes a lot of patience a really good reason why women are the mothers. Many men (not all!) just don't have the patience to deal with "normal" children on a daily basis let alone a child with special needs. I think that what your husband did was wrong but I think you might have to cut him a tiny bit of slack and understand that maybe he doesn't have the parenting skills or patience. Which means he needs to get them. What about telling him that he is going to have to take a class or something on dealing with either special needs or stress/anger? There is no excuse for what he did but I can understand it. Heck when my kids were growing up I felt like hitting them with a shoe a time or 2. Being a parent is really hard, you have to learn self control and how to deal with the fact that kids will be kids. You may have to find some way for your husband to understand that. You might also have to take into consideration that you are still going to have to learn some way to show your son that bad behavior is not acceptable. There has to be some way to do that. You may need a class or talk to a specialist in the area. If you truly can not teach your son the difference between right and wrong then I think you need to have your husband hear it as well from a specialist so that he will be clear on what is acceptable with your son. Good Luck

Answer 3

If I were him I would get annoyed too. OK, so your child is autistic. (Poor child btw). That does not mean you can allow him to do whatever he wants! And if he does not comprehend what he did wrong, well, maybe if you keep punishing him he will? Your method of dealing with your son is not going to do him OR your family any good. I don't think your husband did anything wrong. If he actually called back and apologized, he must be an amazing person. Because if I were him, I wouldn't come back. And I'm a female and love children. I think you should really think about this, because the problem is not your husband, but your child and your attitude.

Answer 4

His anger is probably more associated with the ongoing conflict with you over child discipline. Even an autistic child must learn that there are boundaries and ground rules and, when those rules are broken, that there are consequences.

According to your own description, your husband did nothing wrong (depending on what the offense was). Corporal discipline is not an evil. It is sometimes necessary.

If you 2 cannot get together on discipline and present a united front to your son, this will become a bigger problem as your child will use it to drive a bigger wedge between you and your husband.

Also remember, by your own account, your 2nd husband has been there with you. He is not reacting from a vacuum. He has heard you, but he believes that he has seen things that you may be ignoring. Give him credit for his knowledge, as well.

Answer 5

I believe you have a good man who possibly has an anger management issue and a son who needs consistent discipline. Surely there are some methods of discipline that an autistic child will understand, but you are doing the child a disservice by refusing to discipline at all. To take care of these things, as parents, the two of you should go together to a class for parenting autistic children, or seek a counselor who specializes in helping families cope with autism. In addition, ask your husband to go to an anger management class. Good Luck, those are both very practical ways to approach the situation. NO need to kick him out or go to your sister's house. WORK TOGETHER....as an abused child, he knows, he knows, and would never chose to be that way, so help him reach his goal and he will help you reach your goal of being a better disciplinarian.

Answer 6

I don't mean to sound rude. First of all the man is your husband, even if he wasn't the biological father he can still discipline the child. Maybe your child really got out of control to the point that your husband couldn't get him to understand that's why he got whacked with the sandals. First of all he supported you and the child, so he has the right to discipline, I'm not saying he has the right to beat the child senseless. I think you are babying him too much and sometimes he probably need to be spanked so that he knows not to do whatever he did again. If he doesn't understand time out, I'm sure that will teach him not to do it again with a spank. Austism children are not stupid, they do understand for the most part. If you want to lose your husband over this stupid incident, than be it. I don't see why you are soo upset as to stay with your sister for a couple of days. Talk it out with him and set some boundary and diciplinary guide line so that he knows how to handle it when he get to his breaking point. Sounds like your overeacting.

Answer 7

Autistic Children NEED to be disciplined like normal kids.
My daughter has Autism and all that I have to say is TIME OUT and she will run to her room. She HATES time outs and normally when I count and get to the number 2, she has stopped whatever action she was doing.

NO, don't HIT your child and don't let anyone else HIT your child.

It sounds like this man that you are married to IS the child's father. He's been there for 8 years and provides for him.......making him daddy.

Perhaps your son is spoiled since you haven't disciplined him and your husband was just trying to find a way to make him understand (EVEN THOUGH IT WAS THE WRONG WAY).

Let him come home. Talk about the situation and how you disapprove of his discipline method.

We saw a pediatric counselor and it really changed our lives.
Good luck to you.

Answer 8

When you talk about leaving, you ARE talking about a separation. Yeah, yeah, just for a few days. Lousy idea. Married people deal with issues, they don't run off to Mom's or Sis. I'm certainly not saying your husband was right to touch the child- but the child isn't "your" son. Your husband has been there too for 8 years. The man IS the father, just not biologically. I suspect that at least part of the problem is that you consider your son as separate from your marriage, and only a concern of yours. For a step dad, trying to raise a blended family- your attitude is an insult.

Answer 9

Have you and your husband gone to someone who works with autistic families?

My niece is autistic and our family has had therapists who come in and teach the other family members about autisium and how to deal with behavioral issues that arise.

I know that my brother and sister-in-law have alot of problems with people thinking that they are babying my niece or that they don't discipline her the "right" way.
We have gone places and have heard "if she was my kid, she wouldn't act that way". Those kind of statements come from ignorance about autisium.
Hopefully your husband just doesn't understand how your son understands what is going on around him.
Everyone needs to be educated to how your son's mind works and how to deal with behaviors that both of you decide need to be corrected.
You said your husband has raised your son since he was a year old. Has your husbands treatment of your son been an issue all along or was this something new?
If this has been the situation all along then I think therapy for both of you would be helpful. There are websites that specialize in the disease and can put you in touch with other people near you for moral support.
If this is a new issue, is your husband stressed out over something else? Are your son's issues ramping up for some reason?
I think you should sit down and talk to your husband about how you feel.
If he isn't open to changing his behavior then it seems to me that you have to make a decision to have him stay or go. You can't put your son's well being in jeapordy.

Good luck.

Answer 10

Having a special needs child can sometimes be frustrating and can put alot of strain on a relationship. Your husband may be actually be kinda of jealous of your attention towards your child so he come up with things like you spoil him to try and deter your attention away from your child to him. It may sound selfish but every couple needs alone time to get there head staight. If you want to speak with him about this do it on a night that is not stressful maybe go out and having a relaxing night before addressing the issue. I say that he may have got to stressed out and pushed himself over the edge if he has never done this before then I say forgive him. However if he continues this inappropriate behavior then I would tell him that he cannot except your son then he cannot except you. I hope this has helped you.