My dad had an affair with a women!! I don't know how to deal with this!?

Question

This is a complete shock, i had to find the emails between him and this women, and video and pictures. 7 years of my life he was going behind my familys back and yesterday, got caught. I called my mom cause she was out to dinner with him. as soon as he got back. busted. someone i looked up to and someone who i trusted is a different person to me now. i don't trust or wanna be his daughter anymore. my mom doesn't know how to deal with this. we are thinking about getting a family therapist and a mental therapist for my "dad" he has issues because he was mad at my mom for basically nothing and now he has persionally hurt my family and the family of the women. she had two daughters and a husband. they knew because when we called her to yell at her i yelled "slut" and her husband then saw the emails. and left her. good. im good she feels as much pain as she caused me. but now, i have no idea what to do with him in my life or how i should live my life? HELPPPPPP this hurts me so bad!!!!

Answer 1

Tough situation to deal with. But, here's a truth to hold on to: you father isn't a different person than he ever was. You have found out a secret about him (and apparently broadcast that secret to the world ... ) but that doesn't change who he is.

If you had a best friend for years, and one day discovered that the best friend believed in a different religion than you do, or was a member of a different political party, that would not change the fact that they were your best friend. Same deal with your dad. He has always been there for you, has always made sure you had plenty to eat and a warm and safe home - so you shouldn't suddenly reject him because you found a dark side to his life.

You can go ahead and spread the anger around, make it all dramatic and look for all the sympathy in the world, but truth is, this isn't your fight. You don't have any business being in it, and you don't have any business telling others about it.

I know you're hurting, but this, too, shall pass.

Answer 2

Oh, Emma, I am sorry for what you found.

I am not sorry, however, for the way you handled this.

Seven years everything was on the QT, and both marriages intact.

Why didn't you just go to him with this? This was nothing you should ever have discussed beyond you and your father. Ever.

When a man has a long term affair, and he isn't looking for a divorce, sometimes discretion is the better part of wisdom.

I know you don't understand. And bottom line, he should never have left anything his child could find.

Learn now, invading someone's personal space is dangerous. You didn't have a right to read the email, view the pics or watch the videos. They aren't yours.

I'm sorry this all went the way it did, I'm sorry so many people got hurt. Maybe if you'd have stuck to what you were supposed to be doing instead of being a little busy body...your home and hers would still be intact.

Give it 20 years or so, then you'll understand.

Answer 3

I'm so sorry your dad chose to do this to his family. Affairs are all about selfishness. The people in them think that what they are doing is innocent fun, but they end up hurting everyone around them. It is a good idea for all of you to enter therapy, and hopefully your dad will move out and not come back until you all feel okay with him again, if ever. He needs to understand the severity of his act and how much he's hurt your feelings and marred your life. It is awful that you had to find these things and I know you will need a lot of time to heal from it all. Be there to help your mother get through this pain. She thought she could count on him and now she's got a lot of hurt and anger to work through. I hope you will be all right. Just do insist that you find a family therapist to work with you all so you can heal.

Answer 4

If you were the sun, the world would be bathed in ignorance. Your mother has every right to do as she damn well pleases. How can you say it's wrong for her to have an affair when your father is clearly having one. I mean, it's blatantly obvious. Either that, or...nevermind, there is no or. If you hate you mother so much, go live with your father. A believe letting a wound fester will only lead to infection.

Answer 5

Sorry you had to go through this kid. It's tough. My wife went through the same thing at 14.

Let's grab some perspective. It's not the end of the world, it only feels like it. No one is dead though many are miserable.

Parents are people. It takes kids a long time to see them as such. People do dumb things.

This is between your parents. It has nothing to do with you. I suspect you may be feeling a bit of guilt that you broke the story as well. If not that will come one day.

If this has been going on for 7 years it is a distinct possibility that your mother may have known about it. Yeah that sounds odd but it wouldn't be the first time that has happened.

Go with them to the family counselor. Yeah it's their problem but in this process you can either be a help or a hindrance.

Good luck kid.

Answer 6

The family therapist is the best way to go. It doesn't mean your dad will stay or leave your mom but either way you will get all the support you need to help you go through this. It's normal to be mad at him but don't let it consume you. Keeping a diary is an excellent Idea. Get your best friends to sleep over more often and confine in them, maybe one of them has been through this also. Any grand parents you could go spend a couple of days with?

As you understand more the situation the anger will fade away. Be there for your mom, she must be crushed by this and needs all the love you can spare.

Good luck.

Answer 7

Whoaaa! You are obviously very, very upset and I won't try to minimize your feelings of betrayal and hurt...HOWEVER -- this is not really your issue. Your Dad wasn't rejecting you as his daughter when he betrayed your Mother's trust and love. By overreacting the way you are, you are part of the problem right now instead of being part of the solution for your family. Again, I'm not saying that your reaction is 'wrong', just that it is very counterproductive and will probably cause your Mom even more pain than she already feels. Try to get your feelings in check as hard as that may seem right now. Think of your Mother first -- she needs you to comfort her right now and if you MAGNIFY how awful this situation is, she will feel even worse. Be a calming force in this mess; be a peacemaker. This pain that your Father has caused the family is going to be very difficult and there are no 'winners' in this scenario. But the truth is, in this situation, two families have been impacted by the indiscretion of one man and one woman. I can't pretend to know what possessed them to go outside their respective marriages and I won't defend what they did -- but here we are and it has happened. It will ultimately be up to the adults in this situation to figure out what needs to happen next. Hopefully, if this was simply a case of bad judgment and 'lust' on the part of Dad and this other woman -- both will come to realize that what they've done is reprehensible and stupid and selfish. Their relationship started wrong and will be ill-fated should they decide to be together -- no good will come of it as it started out all wrong on so many levels. I'm very sorry you've been hurt so deeply and I know it will take time (and even some maturity and life and relationship experiences of your own) for you to process this whole thing, but your parents are your parents -- they are not perfect, they make mistakes and sometimes those mistakes are devastating to their children. You need to try not to 'stir the pot' with your Mom and not to 'take sides' against Dad. Believe it or not that will not help your Mother. Understand her hurt, and her pain, but don't egg her on by being so angry and acting out. Be gentle and just comfort her. Don't hate Dad; your parents did love each other and had you - you are made of both of them. Keep that in perspective.

Answer 8

Tell your dad why it hurt and why you do not trust him. Tell him that despite this you do accept he is a good dad, Just not a good person and that at present you cannot separate the two and you need your space tow work through this.
Also tell him you will not forgive his selfish act and the hurt he has caused your family, but that he is still your dad, but for now you cannot feel being his daughter.
He has changed the relationship forever by being so much more selfish than you ever thought possible.

Then tell him you will remain polite and respectful, but not loving towards him until you have resolved the issue for yourself. If that hurts him, so be it, he only has himself to blame for that.

Stand above him. Show him the moral highground. Act in a way that you will look back in later years thinking I was the mature one

Answer 9

First let me say how sorry I am you had to find this out in such a manner. Sure you held your father in high esteem and now that is shattered. I want you to look at it as your father being flesh and blood, human and able to make very poor decisions in life. He has shown weakness where he should have stood strong.
You do not say how your father reacted to the truth coming out. The truth is, if your father was upset with your mom for such a long time, it is and was his responsibility to sit down with her and discuss his feelings instead of turning to someone else for what he felt he was lacking. If mom and he wish to overcome this mistake of his, then they should seek some sort of counseling and you should also attend some of those sessions, as it has affected you also.
Do not hate your father; okay to be upset with him, but he is the only dad you will have and I am sure he is very embarrassed and mortified that you found this out. Your dad must start by not ever seeing, talking or having any contact with this woman. He has been with her a long time and is both emotionally and physically attached to her. As long as she is in the picture, he will not be able to break away from her influence. Be patient, be there for your mom and learn from his mistakes; you now know the heartache, anguish and deep pain that infidelity causes everyone in the family.

Answer 10

You have to realize that marriage is very hard at times and he has made a huge mistake. I can guarantee he did not want to hurt anyone. He still loves you and knows that you don't trust him anymore, but he still loves you. He is now realizing the pain that he's caused and it will be tough to get through, but you are still his daughter and he is still your Dad. As much as you are in pain, so is he. However, you Dad and you Mom have to work this out. There is little you can do to help. Just make sure you are not hurting the situation by your actions. It is OK to be mad, sad, and untrusting, just don't let that get in the way of your parents working out their situation. Once they have settled their differences, no matter what they choose to do, then you can come in and settle your differences with your Dad. Hope that helps!

Answer 11

I know you're in shock of what he's been doing all this time, but that's still your father. You might not like him that much anymore but you do have to respect him. I know I didn't live in your house, but I want you to think back and ask yourself did he ever put that woman before you when you needed him?

I know it hurts but this is a matter your parents have to deal with, you just need to stay out of it.........From what I've read you never went without anything so all you need to do is work on the relationship between you and your father.

Good luck!!