Poem?what do you think?

Question

I move in bondage,
Donning grey suits,
An automaton with secure roots,
With a soul breaking through the dirt,
Like zealous shoots.

I am purity and depravity
in ivory skin.
A transcendental spirit within.
Full of prayers,full of sin.
Avoiding the modern din.


(I haven't finished it just as yet,perhaps im being a tad narcissistic i'm not too sure)

Im just basically talking about 9 to 5 life kind of thing!

Todd thats how i had it initially and then i changed it for some reason,this is my first draft however so first is the last and last is the first,got it!!

Answer 1

I love it !!!
Keep going.

Answer 2

This is one of those rare occassions where I have to disagree with Todd. Trust me, I do so carefully :) Why? because rather than use two stanzas where an antipode is posed, she uses the two as parallel thoughts...each stanza provides a negative and its internal resolution. The first implies the soul breaks free of society's shell, the second displays the dicotomy of that soul, even after it breaks through. Actually, very mature thoughts and fairly well done.

On a different level, I think "dirt" is too weak a word, too harsh a word, for this piece. Also, "breaking through"...it works, but if you follow "secure roots" with "with a soul squeezing though the soil like zealous shoots" it would be far more sibilant and it would avoid the hard end-stopped "dirt".

The next stanza's second line seems unfinished..."in ivory skin" is a nice phrase, but has too few beats and begs for something more...lots of possibilities...you could change ivory in for "alabaster" or add other modifiers to ivory skin. Poet's choice on this one. Lastly, I'm not sure "avoiding" is the right word...you've already used "transendental", but "transending the modern din" seems more appropriate. If this is too repetative, perhaps changing the transendental spirit to "transmigratory" or "incandenscent". Again, poet's choice.

Also, I wouldn't add any more stanzas...the last two lines provide a good finish. If you have additional thoughts, write another poem with them. You've captured so much in such a concise way, I'm afraid the addition of any more lines would only dimish the impact.

nicely done...keep writing

Answer 3

I move in silk bondage,
Donning ashen zeal,
An automation who is real,
With a soul transending pain
Like a zealous ascending Crane.

I am pure and a despot
in ivory skin.
A transcendental spirit without kin.
Full of hope, full of doom.
Avoiding the modern gloom.

Answer 4

I like where your going here. It's a good start, a couple minor tweaks (singular vs plural thing here):

Donning a grey suit
Like a zealous shoot

There's a part of me that thinks the soul lines should be in the second strophe. The first should be about the banality of modern life. The second should be the soul struggling to break through. Something to consider, but like I said--good start.

Answer 5

why do people post things that aren't finished.. thats like publishing a 25 chapter book with only 3 done.. and then tell everyone well i just want your opinion so far... but what you have here... is alright.. but that fact that you had to explain it to someone.. means you didn't get your point across.. .hhmm prob cuz you didn't finish it.. <>

Answer 6

Hey, the first para (as a poem) is good!! Keep going!
May be you will polish the following paras more, before you say" This is it!"
The second has more heavy ideas, but the poetry needs more polish------at this stage.
Keep going. Well done!

Answer 7

I like the parts i understand wihc would be the last lines, but the rest i just don't get therefore i can decide how i feel about it.

Answer 8

I think it would b better without the ryhmes..or ull b doing some time.....Its so easy 2 ryhme

Answer 9

very good poem. I like the imagery that you have created thus far.

Answer 10

It's really good,finished or not=)