May I answer your poem?

Question

I have critiqued more poems than I've posted, and that's not right, is it? Poets should take risks, after all, and live on the edge. So I'm going to write this one the fly and post my first draft, something I rarely do. Here goes:

Don't Look Back

I led you on, I know
and watched your feelings grow
for all the surprises,
sunsets and sunrises
the foreplay and afterglow
I knew I'd have to go
away.

I didn't mean to do
the slightest harm to you
but passionate fires
and selfish desires
controlled me before I knew
the pain I'd put you through
today.

But the road that I've chosen to follow from here
is meant for my footsteps alone
and all the conventions
and best of intentions
can't cover my crime or atone
to you.

And so I take my leave
and leave your heart to grieve
and though I be witless
as God is my witness
my heart will stay on your sleeve
for you to wear or cleave
in two.

This is a lyric poem in 3/4 time. The third verse is a break. All comments welcome.

In writing it, I took the role of the guy in the poem I critiqued for i_LoVe_NiBbLeS_aNd_FuRrY.

Here;s a link to her poem.

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=Al7Ze6U3qHz8iPClUceiV1vsy6IX;_ylv=3?qid=20070907184759AAMroJ2&show=7#profile-info-qr1MqQ6raa

My methodology was to first write a tune in my head and then write the lyrics to fit the tune. The third verse does not match the other three because it is a break and the tune is different. I was surprised myself, to tell the truth. I can only see two little spots to revise and then I think I'll go ahead and record the song.

Thanks for all comments so far.

Answer 1

It's pretty good for rhyming poetry. But you do have one line 'But the road that I've chosen to follow from here' in the poem that does not flow right with the rest of the poem, most probably because it's too long and it's metered syllables don't fit in with the sync and flow of the other verses.

When writing rhyming poetry poetic meter is essential to the impact it will have on the reader. All lines have specific metered 'feet' --- two syllables equal one poetic foot. And each syllable is a poetic beat. Your lines are running in 6,7,6 and 2 syllable sequences. Then suddenly we have 12 syllable line pop up. See what I mean? It plays hell with the flow of the poem.

When you get a chance read something like Poe's 'The Raven' and study the measured metered 'beats' in that perfectly written poem. Of his poem 'The Bells'. Both poems are sequenced perfectly.

Of course, if you're writing free verse or blank verse the rules are not as essential. Free verse still requires measured lines to flow. But blank verse is pretty much anything you can get away with.

Anyway, it's a pretty good poem.

Answer 2

I went searching for Danny's and in no way stumbled on it, having stopped by Cassie and cheese's small treasures. I in no way like Danny's stuff besides, so i visit enable this one solid a roseate glow over what might have been a unhappiness. no longer meant to be speaking trash, he and that i purely treasure what the different might positioned on a rummage sale. I actually have a fetish for used board video games too. What that had to do with the fee of wheat illl in no way understand.

Answer 3

Nightserf, I don't understand how this is fair...my first drafts look like I'm having a Ritalin overdose--yours by contrast are quite coherent.

I like your final lines in each stanza, that's a real interesting choice that I think works well. Your final stanza seems the best to me. It is a good use of assonance. It reads very well out loud.

Answer 4

Very good, I liked it, and Im not one for writing poems to ryhme, it makes me feel like im forcing words and feelings, but this was very amazing, probably one of the best poems I have ever Heard.

Answer 5

Wow, you definitely have talent! I love it, you should post it at www.boardofwisdom.com and share it with everyone.
By the way I never got a chance to thank you for the 'constructive criticism' you gave me on my short story. It helped a lot.

Thank you!

Answer 6

First draft huh? I am thinking I should maybe give up any aspiration I might have had on writing poetry...and take up say needlepoint maybe..laughing.
Perhaps bowling? Bad mitten?

Answer 7

Wow, I absolutely love it. I will defenitly read that again. I would love to give you more feedback, but I don't know what to say. I loved it.

Answer 8

yes it resonates with me,past experiences and whatnot.Very nice indeed!Why people lead us on?oh why?sigh

Answer 9

i loved the poem great job!

Answer 10

Very nice. I love it.