How do you get over betrayal by a loved one?

Question

It's been almost a year. The thoughts of what happened haunt me daily. I will never forget the fact he left me for some b itch he worked with, then came crying back, but why can't it stop torturing me? I cry every single day. why did this have to happen? i can't accept this, but i don't want to leave. i cant talk to him. there are so many unanswered questions.why won't the thoughts go away? its almost like i am obsessed with it. why do i have to know what is going on in the bitches life? i hate her for ruining my family, but yet i need to see her live in misery, why do i feel the need to know what is going on in her life? when i want to forget about her? i feel so strange about it, but its like i have to know what is going on with her. ( i am refering to the coworker) i have so much hrut and anger. this hatred is tearing me apart. i have no one to turn to. everyone says forget it, well i wish i could. but this tortures me everyday and i cant control how i feel.

i hate the hatred i feel. please dont tell me to leave him. i want to know how to deal with the hatred and anger. i have no one to talk to. no one understands why i feel this way, why i cant let it go.

Thanks for the help! I'm sorry about the rude person who gave all the thumbs down. I can't give any thumbs yet, as I dont have enough points.

Answer 1

Girl please get a grip!!! first and foremost... we are ALL sinners!!! If this man has asked for your forgiveness (you must forgive!!!) according to GOD!! he did not say forget!! you say you can't forget... but it sounds like you can't forgive him. and this is why you are going to loose him!! once you truly forgive him... your heart will begin to heal, and you can then move on and put the thought where it belongs in the past! allow it to be just a bad memory! IF YOU STILL LOVE HIM AND WANT TO KEEP HIM AROUND!!
now here is the icing for the cake! YOU MUST ALSO FORGIVE HER TOO!! I did not say... forget or trust her!!
all you need to know to do this is... if you want GOD to forgive you for ALL your past error's YOU HAVE TO be able to forgive others for theirs!! because GOD promised to judge YOU by those same standards that YOU judge others!!! Pray and ask him for strength to endure. He will because he LOVES YOU!!!
don't allow this mistake to steal your marriage!!
GOD is ALL you need to get through this!!! and he's FREE!!

for the record I know your pain because I've been there too!!! and the out come is up to YOU!!!

Answer 2

Time heals all wounds and this wound will heal no matter what decision you make about your life with him. Try to stay focused on the future and your new business and make him prove every single day that he is worthy of your forgiveness. Forget about that woman (girl)...she didn't ruin your marriage, he did. You can't expect a 19 year old to give a thought about you or your family while she's making her stupid decisions but you should have been able to expect more from your husband. You were nobody to her and you probably still are nobody to her but you were and are someone to your husband and he should have considered you and your family before he went down the wrong path. The sooner you stop blaming her for your husband's actions the sooner you can face what's ahead of you. Please be kinder to yourself and look to tomorrow for your answers.

Answer 3

Okay that sounds like it really did suck for you. What you need to do is let go. Easier said than done right? Try to get your mind to focus on different goals. Ask yourself what do I want now? What is important? what can change my life? Then make an action plan. The past is over. Where do you want to go now and how do you plan to get there? Start to live in the present moment. The past is over, you are here now. Focus on the positive. Letting go can leave you feeling free, unburdened, healed, happy and joyous. Anger, fear jealousy, envy and hate are emotions that manifest in an attempt to fill a self-perceived need. Realise that they dont help you but they hold you back. Dont give this event the power to hold you back. Instead let it give you the opportunity to grow. Realise that you have all you need to be happy inside yourself. You are enough just by yourself. Dont let someone elses actions make you feel less.

Answer 4

You are in serious need of counseling. Your responses are unhealthy, both mentally and physically. You first need to realize that you are not to blame. Then you need to realize that hate and the desire for revenge are useless emotions and serve only to perpetuate your pain and agony.
Your county mental health agency can assist you in finding a counselor. Go alone for a few sessions and just let all your rage come boiling out. A good counselor realizes you need to express just what's got you so upset. Then you can start working on more appropriate, healthier ways to deal with it.
You may want him to accompany you, and he may agree, but in reality, the problem is yours, not his. That's why it is best to go without him the first few sessions. You and the counselor can decide later if it would help to have him come along.
And if you do NOT seem to be getting the help you need after a dozen (at least) sessions, ask to change counselors. A professional counselor realizes sometimes that is necessary and accepts it. I've had clients ask me for another counselor when the client and I didn't seem to work well together - that's okay, and I never had a problem with it. Most of my clients were satisfied with me - but we counselors are human too, and not perfect ones at that. You may have to switch counselors two or three times, even. But believe me, it's very much worth the trouble - it's your mental AND physical well-being that're at stake here. You have every right to seek relief and get happy again.
Get going - and good luck.

Answer 5

Finding out you have been betrayed by your partner, the one you gave your life to, loved and trusted is a severe emotional trauma. Some develop emotional trauma similar to Post traumatic stress disorder. The flashbacks, obsessive thoughts, etc.

Healing takes time. Your partner not being willing to talk with you has slowed your healing. One well known counselor did a study, and found that the couples who did the best in recovery where the ones who DID talk about the affair and the problems after. Most expert counselors with experience with this state that real healing usually takes around 2 years.
Start doing things for yourself, to make yourself happy. Don't let this other woman continue to take from you NOW!

Below, I'm going to give you some resources. Find a counselor, if your husband will not go, then do it alone for yourself. Read the articles on the yahoo site about PTSD.
Go to the support groups, other's there will really understand what you are going through and can give you some advice.

If it helps at all, your reaction is not that uncommon.

Resources
A few good books:
"Not Just Friends" by S. Glass
“Surviving an affair” by Dr. W. Harley
“After the Affair” by Springs
A yahoo group that has many helpful articles and links in FILES. Not a good support board, not very active. But, loads of stuff in files. Simple to join.
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/AffairsTalk/
A few other helpful sites:
http://www.dearpeggy.com/
http://marriagebuilders.com/
http://betrayedspouse101.tripod.com/
http://www.beyondaffairs.com/
http://peterfox.com.au/index.html
A few good support forums for those dealing with infidelity. Lots of helpful people who have been through this trauma.
http://www.lifesaviors.com/SI/
http://survivinginfidelity.com/
An ebook written for the wayward spouse to help them understand what they need to do to rebuild from the damage they created:
http://www.aftertheaffair.net/

Answer 6

I can tell you are in a lot of pain. Even though your husband was a willing participant, in your mind, she is the one who almost ruined your marriage, she is the one who caused you all the pain, and if it wasnt' for her, maybe this would have never happened. Do yourself a favor and see a therapist - you deserve to let go of this pain. As long as you obsess over her and her unhappiness, she still holds the same amount of power over you as she did when she had your husband. Maybe you can't let go because she hasn't just gone away - if she is still working with your husband then she is essentially still a part of your life - you definitely need someone to help you sort through these feelings. Professional help would be your best solution.

Answer 7

It is never easy. Infact it is easier to get over if you are seperated from this person but it is so hard to let go. Once you let go of the emotional attatchment, the rest comes easy. If you want to get over it, you have to stop thinking about it. Stop dwelling on it, stop trying to think about it completely. Nothing you come up with and none of the answers you come up with are going to help you get over it, just cause more grief and agony and endless questions.

It is a repetetive cycle you are putting yourself through and its pointless because it isn't going to change anything. Time and distance will help you through this. When you distance yourself from the person that reminds you of all this hate and pain, you give yourself that time to heal and triumph. You are torturing yourself by constantly thinking about the details and making yourself obsessed with it. It is not healthy and you will not overcome this that way.

In time, you can find forgiveness and be able to be around this person without holding this event in your mind every time.

Good Luck

Answer 8

First, understand fully that what you are going through is not unique or particularly special. I won't bore you with my story...suffice it to say it makes your story sound like a fairy tale.
You asked the question...I'll give you the answer! If you want to stay with the cheating jerk, that's your decision but don't whine about it! If, however, you actually have some sense of self worth, then set his butt to the curb and get on with your life!! I'm thinking you're one of the millions of women that think a bad man is better than no man. Being a man, that ticks me off. My ex managed to get pregnant and convince me it was mine and then had the audacity to have me pay child support for 4 years until I saved enough mone for DNA testing.
Can cheaters change...I actually believe they can...but if it is eating you up and you can't come to terms with it (not your fault if you can't) set his behind to the curb and move on!!

Answer 9

Go to the Book store. Get Every Heart Restored by Stephan Arterburn. It will help considerably. The next thing I would do is to make sure you are both in couples therapy. Thirdly, you need to make sure he leaves that job. No ifs. No ands. No BUTS. If he does not leave it, he needs to move out. FORTH you need to take classes, start a new workout, get a new girlfriend, have some time for you to develope you and your own self worth so that you see that you are worth healing and you are worth loving no matter what happens with him. You need to see your own value so that you do not judge it on the value he puts on you, good or bad. You can not forget about her or what he did. That said, you need to work through it. He needs to make restitution to you. He needs to make it up to you. He gave the part of his life away that he pledged to you! You have a right to mourn its being defiled! He needs to really work his *** off to make this up in your lives and if he hasn';t he needs to. You may have to sit down and tell him that you just can not get past this and that the only way that you can hold this together is for him to do something to prove it to you that he is real about being with you forever and never doing this again. My point is if it takes a Tahiti vacation, he needs to work asecond job to make that vacation happen, if it will take his rubbing your feet every night for a year, then he has to do that, whatever it would take to prove to you he is real about it. Saying he is sorry is not enough. He may not know that you need him to do some things to take steps for you to start healing. Buy the book. Take a few long baths with it in your bathroom. have a pedicrue and think it over. Do not appologise for being in the state that you are in! But DO move forward and try to be healthy about getting yourself healed from this. Really, You can survive this and he can too. PS I have learned this in life....the best revenge is not getting back at people....it is LIVING WELL. Do well for yourself, do well for your husband and kids. Drive a nice car that you EARNED ( No charge cards.....debt is not living well!) Get a better education so that you can get a better job....Start and succeed at a GREAT business, live your dreams and fly in the face of it.....it is the best revenge to know that you are doing better than ever.....in spite of HER.......

Answer 10

I know just how you feel. You feel that you need to know every single detail of everything that happened between your husband and his co-worker. The truth is, I think, you really don't get over it until you know every detail. Your man is just gonna' have to deal with that and sit down with you and answer all of your questions. The reason you can't get over it is because of all the unanswered questions - they just consume you. Believe me, when you learn everything you need to know, it will hurt badly for a while, but you will get over it much quicker than just trying to forget about it. You will become obsessed with finding out on your own what he is not telling you. Then he will blame you for not trusting him and prying. (Men are jerks.) Anyway, make him answer your questions - it's the only way to get over it.