Hello Everyone! I live with my boyfriend. He’s 37, and I’m 30. He is going to school to get his PhD, he was a divorce attorney and completely hated it. It was going to give him a heart attack if he continued, so I fully supported him going back to school and getting his PhD so he can teach. I work full time, and I have to get up at 5 AM for my job, I get home around 5 in the evening. After that I go work out, and I’m in bed by 8, at the latest 9. All of my boyfriend’s classes are night classes, and he only has classes on Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday. So, the rest of the time, he’s home. The other day, he said his only hesitation in marrying me is that “our standards of cleanliness are very different.” My reply was, well I’m sorry I work 40 hours a week, but I’m not going to be manipulated into being the ‘good wife.’ Which I feel he was manipulating me. If anything gets done around the house, its me doing it on my time off. Am I being unreasonable? Any ideas?
2007-09-07 03:36:39 · 27 answers · asked by ? 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Singles & Dating
Wow! There is turning out to be a difference of opinion based on gender here...
2007-09-07 03:58:56 · update #1
My husband and I both share cleaning duties, he would never expect me to do everything.
2007-09-07 03:39:56 · answer #1 · answered by MyMichelle 4 · 4⤊ 0⤋
Sit down and write out your schedules...how much time for school, homework, work, travel time, grooming, eating, and other things you each do for yourselves that the other can't do. Then make a list of what needs to be done as far as cooking, cleaning, shopping for household necessities that are both of your responsibilities. Fill those tasks in to the day schedule of the person who actually has time for them. It could be that neither of you have enough time to do all of it but he can load the washer and dishwasher and then do homework. And for that matter, you could too and then go work out. When you figure out what's left, it might be that you need to hire someone to come in once a week and do the heavier cleaning for a few hours to keep it up. If you ever let him dictate how you spend your time or the division of labor that will become your couple habit and he will of course expect it to continue. If you have no intention of being a HOUSE wife, then you have to be up front and set some guidelines now.
2007-09-07 04:38:59 · answer #2 · answered by ? 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
No your not being unreasonable. I understand that because he is doing a nightcourse that he probably has to study a lot during the day, but that does not excuse him not doing housework. Lets say, for example, he gets up at 10am, has breakfast + shower, starts studying at 11am. Studys from 11am-1pm. Has lunch resumes study at 2pm until 4pm. He could clean the house from 4pm-5pm and prepare something for dinner. And resume study at 5pm until 6pm. Thats 5 hours of study per day. An hour of cleaning is more than enough per day.
You both need to work out a system. Its not fair on you to do all the housework, nor is it fair for him to do it all. He should at least to a small bit each day and tell him you'll do some at the weekends.
Plus, if he's not happy with that then tell him he can quit his course and get a job so you can stay home all day and do the housework, he wont like that.
Its hard to get an even balance when it comes to housework. I live with my boyfriend and i do most of the housework but he does his bit too. Plus he chips in more than I would financially so i dont mind. Its all about comprimise. Hope this helped.
2007-09-07 03:46:37 · answer #3 · answered by eva m 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Yikes! Well, the first problem that I see is that you're not married. When you're just living together, certain 'rules' regarding trivial things like who cleans the house, who washes the car, who takes the cat to the vet sort of get assumed - whoever starts doing the chore, sort of inherits it for the rest of the relationship! I suggest that now that the subject of 'standards of cleanliness' has been brought, follow through with a list of chores that you both agree that need to be done on a daily, weekly and monthly basis. Get HIM to commit to his share of chores, or hire a housekeeper to come in once a week!
I wish you well!
2007-09-07 03:46:04 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
No. You are learning each other at this time. You are finding our what he expects from you if you get married. This is the best time to learn about your needs and wants. That way you are not jumping into marriage blind. Continue to stand your ground because if you change to please him, you will find you are not happy. You two are separate individuals and both of you should maintain your individuality. On the same note, there should only be minor adjustments on both of your behalves when it comes to marriage. We should want to do things because we want to do them and not because it is a duty. Marriage is not a job. It is a shared responsibility. Both partners have to come together and work together, not assign each other task. Support, Trust, Honesty, and Communication are the foundations for a successful relationship. You have already intered into support, trust that you are making the right decisions, express any feelings honestly, and continue to have positive communication. Good Luck.
2007-09-07 03:52:19 · answer #5 · answered by flirty30 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋
It's hard when you're both working/at school so much. I decided years ago when I was in the same postion that; I would spend time and take care of my family first. To my knowledge no one has ever died from the house been a little cluttered or untidy. IE: people are more important than things. It will all balance out as you go along.
2007-09-07 05:08:12 · answer #6 · answered by Frances B 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
He may only have classes 3 days out of the week, but believe me, a Ph.D. requires a massive investment of your free time. I would hazard to guess that he puts in at least 40 hrs of his out of class time. Don't get so high and mighty, sweetie. You aren't the only one working hard.
Also, jumping straight to the "I'm not going to be manipulated...yadda yadda yadda" might have been a bit harsh. Got a chip on your shoulder? Take a look at yourself, then talk with him, figure out what he meant, and see if an understanding can be reached. And lose the "not gonna be the 'good wife'" mentality. Feminism is dead, in case no one let you know.
2007-09-07 03:46:03 · answer #7 · answered by ? 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋
How about you each take responsibility for cleaning certain rooms in the house? I am much lazier around the house than my husband, and that works for us - it means no arguments about whose turn it is to do the cleaning, and he can always be sure that at least half the house is cleaned to his standards. And because I know I don't have to do all of it, it doesn't seem such a huge chore to do my bits. Just make sure you divide them equally ie bathroom and kitchen tend to be the most work so have one each.
2007-09-07 03:43:07 · answer #8 · answered by Frances Q 1 · 2⤊ 0⤋
I do not think you are being unreasonable!!!
My BF and I just moved in together in June and we both work so we split the "chores". I do the kitchen and the dusting he does the bathroom and the vacuuming. We both take care of the bedroom. It really is all about compromising. It really wont take that long if you split the work. Good luck to you =D
2007-09-07 03:51:54 · answer #9 · answered by ***Jenaben *** 2 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Most all men think the cleaning is the womans job, but they forget the fact that they live there & help make the mess too. Im sure it would not kill him to help you clean on Tues, Thrus, or Fridays..Tell him if he wants "the good wife" that you will just have to quit working & be the stay at home wife that he wants. See how he likes that.
2007-09-07 03:45:23 · answer #10 · answered by americangurl_28 5 · 2⤊ 0⤋
I don't think you are being unreasonable. Maybe you could find someone who could come to your house 1 or 2xs a week to do some of the major things - then you would only be responsible for picking up and the laundry and your dishes.
2007-09-07 03:45:20 · answer #11 · answered by ** H 1 · 2⤊ 0⤋