My wife and I have been together almost 7 yrs, married almost 6...She was an internet bride...I never met her two kids (a son and daughter both adults) til after we were married...I don't think they knew about me til after we were living together - before we wed.
My problem is I want to be more involved with her side of the family, but I can't get close...I mentioned this desire to my wife, but she kind of shrugged it off, saying that they still had issues with their dad, who has since died.
It is frustrating to be almost a non-entity with her family...I feel almost like a stranger - with her son and daughter anyway - on the few occasions when we've gotten together...We're in CA, they're on the E. coast...Anyone have any ideas or suggestions on how to let these kids know that I would like to be a part of their lives - even a little bit more than it is now.
Thank you.
2007-09-07 02:33:42 · 9 answers · asked by thud.fan 6 in Family & Relationships ➔ Family
I do not have kids of my own...We are both in our 50s
2007-09-07 02:35:50 · update #1
Since you met your wife over the internet why not try to establish a relationship with her children in the same way.A web- cam would also allow you to see each other but I'm not really familiar with how that sort of thing works.Send cards on special occassions, invite them to come for a few days .You could organize a family reunion so you could meet those family members you would like to get to know better.Thanksgiving is coming up and you could use that as an opportunity to get together.Maybe you could use your holiday time and fly out to see them.Suggest you will stay at a hotel and that way it removes any stress that usually comes from staying with family.Your wife should try to be a little more supportive of your efforts.Is your wife close with her children? You say that your wife's children have problems with their deceased dad ( but you didn't mention her relationship with her children) Are their any grandchildren? You may never be a dad to these adult children but maybe you could at least be a good friend.We can all use a good friend.Take care.
2007-09-07 16:09:12 · answer #1 · answered by gussie 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Never met before married??? Obviously these kids are already grown therefore worry more about being a friend than a father..... I commend you with wanting to be more involved but as a step mother if your wife is shrugging you off on this it sounds like there are more issues there than dealing with grief over their father. Unless she is backing you up on your efforts it will be nearly impossible sorry to say. But when you do get together just flat tell them you would like to get to know them better and spend more time together and go from there!
2007-09-07 03:58:35 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
it seems to me that since they are adults your wife may feel like they don't really need to bond with you as a father figure which is why she sort of shrugged off your request or desire to get closer to them (not excusing it just giving you a theory on her POV). And since they are adults, go ahead and take each pf them aside privately and tell them how you feel. let them know that you would like to get closer to them and be more like a member of their family and not just their mom's husband. Ask her son to a game or out to a sports bar, maybe even fishing, whatever you two have in common. For her daughter find out what she likes to do or offer to help her pick out a gift for her mom or other family member. Good luck. You sound allot nicer than the men my mother deals with.
2007-09-07 02:51:40 · answer #3 · answered by Victoria J 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think the best thing to do is just let it ride... What I mean is this, don't push the issue. When they call, be kind and friendly. When they visit, be a friend to them. Offer to help when there is a problem. Don't be nervous to approach them - remember, you are the man of the family. If her kids can't or won't accept you, then they are the ones with the problem, not you.
2007-09-07 02:43:05 · answer #4 · answered by Bear~~~ 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
They are a little old to want or need a dad. Besides that, you were sprung on them a little unexpectedly. Why would their Mom do that?
The best case scenario is for you to be kind and friendly when you do see them. When you push, people retreat - at least I know I do.
I know it must be difficult to feel "ignored" - but you can be the most helpful but being kind and considerate when you do see them. You might also plan something you know they will enjoy when you do see them.
2007-09-07 02:50:25 · answer #5 · answered by fanofchan 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Perhaps cards, phone calls or something like that would help, they are adults, you just have to keep trying, it is not easy to let someone else in your life as dad, but maybe you could become a really good friend to them. I wish you all the best. Keep trying and hang in.
2007-09-07 02:42:07 · answer #6 · answered by bluebird 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
First of all, don't push it! If you are a good person and treat your wife with the love and respect she deserves, the family (her children) will learn to respect and love you for it. What people don't like is for someone to "push" their way into a family. Let them come to you and when they do, be a friend first.
2007-09-07 04:29:50 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
All of you are too old for the kids to see you as "Dad"
that has to start when they are little.
The best you can do, is be "friend" which you should already know how to do.
You should do just fine,as long as you don't have a serious personality clash...
2007-09-07 02:42:53 · answer #8 · answered by Sophie B 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
take the "step" word out of your mind and help them to take it out too.try to be friend with them it id obivous in this point they will never accept you as father but as a friend it is easy for them.in the start of relation ship we think about ourselves but we ignored those who are related to us so result a huge difference came in the life and in the relationship.send them surprises and if you are really brave say sorry to them about all this mis communication and offer frienship i hope when you work heartly it works and worth too
2007-09-07 04:11:59 · answer #9 · answered by rahila 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋