My 18 year old is out of control ...help?

Question

My daughter used to be an a-b student, responsible, varsity soccer player....until she graduated. She graduated last May and that is when it started...staying out all night, not coming home for days at a time. She enrolled in college and has attended 3days out of 10. She will not hold a job, had to take her car away from her because she could not maintain the payments. She hangs out with 'trash'. I do not know what to do anymore. I have tried EVERYTHING I can think of.

Answer 1

throw her out of the house

Answer 2

if you can, DR Phil, Brat Camp, or a mother -daughter retreat - to help you both reconnect - but that takes time and money - plus you have to take everything -cell phones, car keys, rent a cabin in Canada, (i know some1 who did this and it worked ) have someone drive you there (so they can take the car back ) and take you to your cabin, where cell phones don't work and there are barely any landlines( so she cannot try to get away) stay as long as can. ENJOY IT, don't sit around and talk about all your problems, leave them for later..just you and her and maybe a guide or something. there are lots to do , nature walks, long boat rides, flying aircrafts, people who live there, fishing, ect.ect. and THEN when the time is right calmly tell her how much you missed HER, and what in the world happened. Different Settings, Different People, One On One , and Different Life can be altering for everyone involved. If this is out of the question, (hope NOT because of Time because if time is the reason, the forget it - it Is Possable to do this- ) Time is All we have , but if it is finances then i understand. Talk to her and tell her that you love her and ask her what she wants, and what she thinks may be the reason she is taking this path, be open minded there may be reasons that are beyond our thoughts as to why she is doing these things and acting out in this manner. If she is hanging out with the wrong crowd "to feel belonged " then she has very strong insecurity issues and she needs a reality check as to sho she is..but at this age they really believe that they know what is best for them, no matter what you say. Show her, get a friend (who you trust ) who is alittle older than her to be her guide.(& keep your jealousy issues in check mom, due to another woman might bring her back to you, I know how hard that is) things to keep in check are : why can she tell her things and not me ? why is it fun with her and not me ? what makes my daughter like/ love her more than me ?
she won't and doesn't, it just seems that way.
No matter whatever way you recconect with her...you will Not regret the time you took to try...Hope some of this helps..
all those things as a toddler, preteen and a young teenager comes in to play, even at 18 and 19 years old.

Answer 3

Obviously she is stretching her wings - if she was very responsible only a short time ago she might just need a bit of time. You could throw her out, but if this behavior is experimental it is likely to be short-lived.

You could also give her an option as long as she wishes to live with you that she meet certain requirements as a courtesy to you the rest of the household members.

i.e. - pay so much towards the family food budget, be in by midnight Sunday through Thursday, call by 11 to let you know if she is staying with a friend for the night so that you won't worry, actually go to her classes - that is not really much to ask of her

If you do that, decide in advance if you will toss her out immediately if she breaks the rules or what exactly you will do.

She is going to hate this - she'll probably even say that you are ruining her life. This is where you give her both barrels and let her know that her behavior has been completely unacceptable, you are not asking that much of her. If she decides to move out, let her know she is welcome back when she is willing to follow your house rules.

Don't let her continue to disrespect you.

Answer 4

I really like spannababy's answer. I have this to add though. Is the car in her name? If not, get it switched over. If she doesnt make payments, then the bank takes it. If you disapprove of her friends, dont allow them over to your house. Other than that dont comment on her friends. She is pushing boundaries and testing limits. If she wants less limits then talk to her about getting her own place. NEVER close your door on her. Let her go and make her own choices and mistakes, but let her know that you are there to give her a place to stay if she falls and needs time to pick herself back up. I wouldnt pay for anymore college until she shows more responsibility. Let her pay for a semester or two and get decent grades before pitching in again. She will see that with greater freedom comes more responsibility. If she wants freedom, then letherhave it, but dont continue to provide her with money... just LOVE.

Answer 5

She's 18. It's time to let go and allow her to make her own choices. As an 18 year old myself, if there is anything I've learned in this world, it's that nobody can learn from other's mistakes. Especially not teenagers like us. We're hard headed, stupid, stubborn, and 9 times out of 10 we're out of control. If your daughter was an angel, and never did anything out of line, it would be akin to her being sheltered from the world. It's true that ignorance is bliss, but it's also true that bliss is for children, and ignorance isn't for adults. Just take a chance, allow her to spread her wings and fly. It's hard, but we have to have experience, not just words.
I hope this helps.

Answer 6

Show her the front door tell her to not let it hit her in the butt on her way out then lock it when she is out of the house. She is 18, she is an adult...if she won't go to school or hold down a job to pay rent then she needs to find another place to stay. You are no longer responsible for her. I also suggest getting her a few addresses homeless shelters in your are, she may need them.

Answer 7

Well My parents said to me when I was 18 and partying all the time to get out or get a job and pay rent I had 2 weeks and no I did not get a job in 2 weeks and next thing I knew I was living here and there and no I did not change at first it took 3 years to be exact I hated my parents for not helping me but now that I have three kids of my own I realized that tough love was the only thing that really worked cuz if they kept handing me everything I would never had to grow up. And my mom did once tell me that I needed to learn to take care of myself cuz she would not be there forever I started to right before she died She also told me it was the hardest thing she ever had to do in her whole life but she would not take it back cuz I was turning around. I also believe it took me longer cuz I still could call my father and he would help not all the time but he did every know and then. I am only 25 and actually am glad my parents forced me. Cuz know I own my own house and have three great children. It is Pro ably really hard but you might have to do it. I have a thing that the ages of 18 till between 21 to 22 are the worst and thats because you want everything still handed to you like when you where a child but you want to be the grown up. So I say let them do as much as they can and sense your daughter sounds like she is very capable of taking care of herself. Tell her get a job and pay rent or get out Do you know that when I did pay rent to my parents they actually saved it all up for me and when I bought my house they gave it all back to me My mom said that way I learned what it was like to pay bills but when I actually had to do it I had a little bit extra $2500.00 to be exact. And No I never did know that she was saving it up for me. I actually love the whole idea and will be using it with my children. If I need to. I wish you good luck

Answer 8

You cant do anything to make her change. You can: make her pay rent- and mean it-no rent no room! She can go and buy her own car if she wants one and I sincerely hope you are not paying for college for her- if you are STOP ( wait until the end of the term and if she fails -no more money from you)(you can change this once she straigtens up). If she moves out -let her go. She will straighten up when she has to but it sounds like she's not gonna do it until she absolutely has to. So its in your favor to push the issue -she was once responsible and will most likely revert to that when she actually grows up!

Answer 9

Well at least she graduated :)
Some parents don't even get that.

Sounds like she has completely taking advantage of you and being "out of school", sometimes that feeling can get the best of you.

If your paying for her college and she isn't going then cut her off in that department too. Maybe try to warning before she does it and maybe she'll think about going but...

I think you did well in taking the car. She's hating that. Eventually that will get under her skin.

I wouldn't count too much on controlling who your 18 year old hangs out with but it wouldn't hurt if you sat down with her mom to daughter and explained to her in (a non-lecture way, if possible...I know it gets hard) that your worried about her & her future.

It hurts but sometimes you have to threat your 18 year old like an apartment tenent. You don't pay the rent, you're evected. In her case, you don't show that you're taking advantage of this house that I'm providing you with...I have no other choice but to set you free.

She needs to be aware of herself and who she is. She isn't a minor who you have to feed into legally and that she needs to respect you while she is in your house. If you don't like her friends, you also have every right to not allow them in the house. If she doesn't like it, tough sh_t.

If setting her out on her own is what needs to be done, let it happen. I'd say 8 out of 10 times, the 18 year old comes crawling back, especially with no wheels under their feet and no home to base from.

Especially given her background. I think I did the same thing to my mom, I retaliated and she did the same back. I "moved out" with my new boyfriend to the ghetto with his brother in a 1 bedroom. You can imagine how that ended...

I came back to mom and now looking back to my given behavior and now. I'm successful and I understand a lot my mother did for me and why she did it for me.

Answer 10

Ok, this is never, ever easy.
As for the pathetic advice you have received so far "throw her out of the house"...well, I think some people need to realise that its much, much easier said than done.
The funny thing you need to remember about teenagers is that when they think they shouldn't do something, its all the more fun to do. My dad used to say to me "if apples were illegal, all the bloody kids would be eating them on the sly at school" and he was right.
I went through my wild stage at 12-13-14, where I drank, smoked, had sex, you name it, I did it. I thought I was big and cool and clever. When I moved out at aged 16 into my own house and could technically do anything I wanted, the novelty wore off within weeks.
Now I know this is a total cliche - but have you tried sitting down and talking to her explaining how worried you are? Maybe you could write it to her in a letter and see how she responds.
If you are soft with her - she will take you for granted and probably keep going further and further down the rocky old road she is on now.
What the girl really needs in punishment, and positive reinforcement when she behaves how you want her to.
Suggest a day out for the two of you, maybe light shopping and a meal, treat her to a top. Casually drop into the conversation that you arn't worried for your benefit, she is your child and you love her unconditionally, you don't want to see her come to any harm. maybe doing a night course in something would help? Me and my dad didn't get on well at all, so he suggested this, and we did a course in psychology. I loved it! I went on to sit my GCSE and AS level and passed them both with flying colours so this is a great idea in my opinion. It has to be something interestin though, maybe psychology or criminology or yoga or pottery depending on what she is in to. Maybe even a night course in hairdressing, which can lead to a proffession quickly if she will not attend college.
Often making them feel guilty works, although it doesn't take them long to figure out what you are up to!
If all this fails, then it really is time to get serious and mean it. You need to demand she gets up and out of bed and to work, or college or somewhere constructive. If she doesn't, then she should be asked to leave the house. Pack her case for her, take her key off her and ask her to leave.
Now don't expect her to cry and apologise because stubborn teenagers will pick up their case and walk out the door and be glad to. For a couple of days. Tell her you want nothing to do with her for a month, and if she straightens herself out, you will happily come back into her life. Make sure she knows you love her more than anything but can't bear to watch her destroy her life.

It would be really nice if you let me know how you get on.

Good luck and god bless!

Answer 11

Tell her simply that if she does not attend school and does not call home to check in then she needs to find somewhere else to live. She is under your roof, your the parent, she is the child.

I moved out of my moms at 19, and until then I never realized how easy I had it. I had choose to leave, and continue to go to school and work.

Good luck.