how can I handle the stressful nightmare this weekend of dividing some of my recently deceased mom's possessio

Question

the family is very dysfunctional. My mom only died a motnh ago and we are still grieiving yet everything must be done right now..this stuff has sat there for 50 years with no problem..there are 6 of us and brother just found a number of sentimental items like my mmom's Italian brith certificate, passport from when she was a war ride, marriage lincense,, and other such things..plus letter and card and who klnows what.

I as the oldest child have no say..my brother was named executer and has kept her room locked going through it at his liesure and probably taking stuff. He and another breother seem to want all the sentimental items. All of the pictures from 1928-1973 are missing..I have nearly no pictures of me before age 23 except a few I got before. there wre tons of them. One brother grabbed 3 albums saying they were his even though they have black and white pictures of other siblings..we did not even get to see them as he said they were from his house and grabbed them. I been

taken. My one brother got my dad's dog tags and purple heart..another got the flag from his coffin in the case I bought and engraved for my dad and so forth, I want at least all off these items to be color copied at Kinko's and a copy of each item taken for those siblings who want them, but the family i so impatient, good luck thinking we can do this like normal people.

I suggested passing each of the precious papers around with a post it and say if you want a copy of it and if you really like it, put a star by it and do not distribute anything until the copies are made and only then decided who gets the original..I suggested laving it all in my mom's house where my two brothers are living for life at least one of them and keeping it in a locked, fireproof box and if someone wants to see it to call, but do not have people take this stuff home this weekend never to be seen again or negotiating once we study who wants what (not knickknacks..just talking about things like my dad's wa

wallet, old driver's licence and stuff like that. If they don't want to leave there after getting copies, then negotiate or do a drawing removing the person's name after they are picked so one person does not get it all for luck. I think this is a good solution but I picture them all descending on the house and spreading all over it grabbing things...can I have this etc. My brother the executor wants us to go as a group room by room.

They also expect to divide all the pictures and knickknacks in ONE DAY..this is ridiculous as my mom's house is full of stuff as a packrat for 79 years of life. My one sister (highly organized with all her Christmas done the day after Christmas) wants to box everything and go through it later as my brother who was living in the basement wants to move to my mom's room..I pictured leisurely and sentimentally going through her things...I cannot understand why everything must be rushed and stressful with this family..I think it is my brother who must do

who must do everything right now forcing my to copy all these pictures immediately by the next day cause he would not wait a day or two making me stay up 16 hours doing it as I wanted copies of some of the ones from the funeral picture boards before they descended. We argued for 2 hours over the completed in advance obituary and 2 hours over where to eat after funeral even though we were supposed to vote and it was 5 to 1..my bossy brother would not accept the vote he suggested unless he was on the winning side..everyone argued..it took forever to accomplish things due to the 6 people disagreeing..this will really be bad..

On top of it, I feel the one screwed by my mom as I was the least favored..the one brother lives there rent free forever as the house is paid (and he has a good job)..the other (mentally ill) gets the house and all the furniture. My brother got in a fight with my over some cheap tabled (maximum worth--$60) that are the only thing I asked for..I asked for a

a doll and a drug addicted nephew stole it..I asked for the juicer but my brother wanted it so I had to buy one and my mom went half on it and I asked for these real little wall shelves and it is written down in the will. I got the car a year ago when mine broke and my mom was going blind and my brothers did not want to fix it..it was planned the car would go to me but I am in the bottom 2% financially probably and they all have at least one car..I am ticked my brother got mad over a shelf that is in the will I got (but he did not know this) when he gets all the house and furniture and contents...it is like I feel I was gypped in life by not being favored and now also gypped in death...I do not want a lot but I do want to do things more relaxed and go through things more to see what the papers say..why does my brother control everything. I do not trust him as I used to babysit and always saw all this stuff my mom was missing that he apparently just took...he is letting his son zerox

everything for them but I am not even allowed to look at anything until the big meeting though he has and my sister helped him and took stuff (junk he says)..I feel like I hate this family and we all predict fights..how can we make it go more smooth.

that should read all Christmas done day after thanksgiving not day after christmas

to the first poster. You are so insightful and I feel that answer could not have been better. I somehow feel if I get something maybe it willmkae up for her mistreatment and give me the honored place of her oldrest child and girl but it never will..I tried to resolve these feelings and she never let me..she gave to them when I had a need but she did not care..that is what my son said,,it is just stuff..and I do need to tlearn to mothr myself..I mother and take care of everyone and am so highly nurturing and compassionate but do not receive it back..I need to learn how to be my own parent and urn a big part of that good heart to me as it seems noone cares and I am a worthy person and deserve love so I cannot abandon myself..thank you for reading my long post and for your thoughtful reply.

Answer 1

My husband just lost his mother this past year,so I know what you are talking about.My advise to you is just let them fight over things.Do you really want these things? You have the main thing and nobody will ever take it from you.These are your memories.You don't need things to remind you of that wonderful Love you had.Fighting never solved any thing.Your mom wouldn't want this.So,calmly ask for the things you want if they want to engage in a fight,just back off and let them go at it.Just think of your parents looking on,and there children fighting over left overs.shame on them.Be the lady your mom raised and leave with your most treasured items.Love and memories of your parents.

Answer 2

I'm sorry for the loss of your mother. It doesn't help that you have emotional issues with her that didn't get resolved.

This is just stuff. In fact everything you bring home is something your own children will have to fight over. And they will, unfortunetly, this senerio is completely normal. No one sits leisurely and sentimentally and goes through mom and dad's stuff. They fight like its gold.

You need to understand that anything you get of your parents is just going to sit there and tell you the the message you got from them, you aren't good enough. Its just going to sit in a box and collect dust, and be a burden to your kids or whoever cleans out your house when you die.

You might want to apply my tornado theory to your situation. I am the oldest of 6, but my mother worships the ground that my younger brothers (2) walk on so they will be making the decisions. In particular her first son, born two years after me, who has a violent past filled with drug use. You think he's going to be fair? Naw, no chance.

So here is the tornado theory. One day a tornado flattens your house and all your pictures and momento's go flying through the air. The wind tears them apart and the rain drenches them. They are gone. Poof! In a matter of moments, gone! Look around your parents house one last time and then bring in the tornado. Walk away, there is nothing that can be saved.

And get some counseling for your unresolved feelings about your mother. If you didn't feel loved, then she probably wasn't a good mother to you. You need to acknowledge that and learn to mother yourself.

Answer 3

I'm sorry for the loss of your mother. It doesn't help that you have emotional issues with her that didn't get resolved.

This is just stuff. In fact everything you bring home is something your own children will have to fight over. And they will, unfortunetly, this senerio is completely normal. No one sits leisurely and sentimentally and goes through mom and dad's stuff. They fight like its gold.

You need to understand that anything you get of your parents is just going to sit there and tell you the the message you got from them, you aren't good enough. Its just going to sit in a box and collect dust, and be a burden to your kids or whoever cleans out your house when you die.

You might want to apply my tornado theory to your situation. I am the oldest of 6, but my mother worships the ground that my younger brothers (2) walk on so they will be making the decisions. In particular her first son, born two years after me, who has a violent past filled with drug use. You think he's going to be fair? Naw, no chance.

So here is the tornado theory. One day a tornado flattens your house and all your pictures and momento's go flying through the air. The wind tears them apart and the rain drenches them. They are gone. Poof! In a matter of moments, gone! Look around your parents house one last time and then bring in the tornado. Walk away, there is nothing that can be saved.

And get some counseling for your unresolved feelings about your mother. If you didn't feel loved, then she probably wasn't a good mother to you. You need to acknowledge that and learn to mother yourself.

Answer 4

Your letter should be mandatory reading to every parent who has not written an airtight will. There should be not surprises in it and every child should know ahead of time how the estate is to be divided. It is such a shame for a family to be torn apart over things.

Answer 5

So sorry for your lose. well as you well have learnt that family becomes monsters when someone leave the world yes they do and i have seen it several times within my life time that is why they have wills so it will go to whom they want. its really bad that your family is like that and the pictures everyone should have one picture and make them but heck i doubt it so you have my sympathy. i am sorry for you and take care.

Answer 6

You know what....go to church...light a candle for your mom once a month...and NEVER speak to your family again!!! They sound like they are poison to your well being and peace of mind.
I'm sorry for your loss.

Answer 7

wow...im a little messed up right now