How can I talk my 18yr old daughter into coming home?

Question

She thinks that turning 18 automatically made her an adult. I know legally this is true but she is not equipped with even her H.S.diploma. She is a senior and now is not even going to school. She also has no income.

Answer 1

Let her make her own mistakes. She will realize eventually.

Answer 2

I remember being 18 and having a bee in my bonnet about wanting not to ever have to live with my parents again even though my parents are perfectly nice people. I just didn't want anyone telling me what to do and how to run my life, or even suggesting how I could run my life if it pleased me. I preferred to live in a neighbourhood full of drunks and prostitutes and have a landlord who saw functional kitchen appliances and bathroom fixtures as negotiable luxuries rather than occupy a pleasant suburban home with my perfectly nice parents. It made me feel powerful and in control of my own destiny.

I guess you could tell her the door is always open, and even if she doesn't want to come to stay, she can always stop in for dinner or something 'cause you like to see her. And back way off. She may be acting unreasonable right now and you know it, but she doesn't want to hear it, and even gentle reasonable suggestions may be viewed as unpleasant meddling. Pretend you're a psychiatrist when you ask her about her life. Ask, "And how have things been going? Oh yeah? So what do you think of this new development?" Wait until she asks for help or advice.

Then just give it time. Maybe she'll move back and maybe she won't. And remember, one day she will turn 25 and probably be a lot more reasonable by then.

Answer 3

Unfortunately some people choose to start out life less equipped than others. She still doesn't fully understand that it is a tough world out there that will eat her alive if she lets it. At some point all you can do is tell her that you love her and are willing to take her back. Thankfully there are programs in the US that allow for people to earn a GED and additional training even after they have abandoned the traditional educational system. I doubt that you will be able to convince her that going to school now and living at home is the best thing for her, since she is probably more into being free. Be there for her. Let her know that you love her and only want the best for her. Don't demand that she come home, just leave the door open. Keep the lines of communication open. Encourage her to take care of herself properly. Eat right, get AIDS testing done regularly and so on. Pray for her and tell her that you are praying for her. Don't underestimate the power of God.

Answer 4

Unfortunately it may just take experience on her own to make her realize she is making some irrational choices. Where is she living? With friends or boyfriend? She may free ride off of someone else for awhile but one day she will wake up and face reality. I guess only an incentive would be the only way she would come home at this point. Other than that, I think that there is little you can do as heart breaking as that is.

Answer 5

She is old enough to make her own decisions. As parents, there is not much you can do. Stand by her decisions and treat her like the adult she is. When she realise that you are so supporting, the bond between you two will be stronger. And if she has no income and home, she will return soon enough. Every teenager still yearns for the comfort of a home. I know that cos im one myself. Everything will be fine soon. Good luck!

Answer 6

I wouldn't waste my breathe on trying to talk her into coming home. What I would do is, tell her that you want her to come home because you miss her, and think you be of help to her, financially and emotionally. Once your kids turn 18, all you can do is offer your love and support and hope that what you have taught them their whole life is enough so they can make wise choices now that they're an adult. I hope she turns to you because she loves you, and because you have been there teaching her right from wrong all along. If she doesn't know by now, she most likely never will.

Answer 7

I know this is harsh and extremely hard for you to hear but you need to let her learn her lesson herself. making her come home will only drive her further away from you. Just let her know that you are here for her to support her emotions and if she ever needs you you will be by her side. dont you remember when you did something like this when you were around her age?? i know i do.
it must be so hard to let go and especially when your protective instincs come out afterall she's your little baby girl!
She will soon discover what is best for her wether it takes a couple of days, weeks or even years. Encouragement is the key...get her out in the workforce by complimenting her on how good she is at things. she's probably got a lack of self confidence yelling at her or forcing her to do something she doesn't want to do will not help this. i hope i've helped you a bit xxxx

Answer 8

She must be screaming out for space to have left home so young and jobless. I know this is hard for you but give her that space BUT let her know that your door is always open for her. Suggest catching up over a coffee at a cafe etc... That's an adult thing to do and if she agrees then don't nag her about her life but rather let her do the talking and give her loads of encouragement with the positive things. (there will be some positive things) eg the way she does her hair or her smile etc... Sometimes we have to let go but not give up. One of life's hardest lessons and moments and I really feel for you at this time.

Answer 9

As an 18 year old girl, I have to say that really all you can do is tell her exactly how you feel about it. But make sure she knows you're there for her. She will soon enough come to her senses. I know I did! I was a rebel and my parents stuck with me and things changed for the good. As a teenager, she will just rebel against you. Dont tell her to come home. Dont try telling her to do anything. Just tell her what you FEEL and let her know you're worried about her. Been there, done that.

Hope this helps!
<3 ashley

Answer 10

Wanozi,
You may not like my answer - but if she was willing to leave, having no income, and no education, then she must have had strong motivation to do so. This motivation could be coming from many directions. You may be the perfect parent, but please read my entire answer before deciding it's off-base.

I'm in my 40's, and I promise you that one of the happiest days of my life was the day I was able to move out of my mother's house. I was a kind and decent to her and helped all I could, and I worked like crazy to pay for college and it was not an angry parting, thankfully, but the bottom line is - it was a huge relief to get away. I didn't drink, smoke, do drugs, stay out late, date, or cause trouble, but I had zero privacy. I had very little personal freedom. Everywhere I went was questioned. Everything I spent money on - which was almost nothing - was examined. There was an atmosphere of bitterness and anger in the household at the time based on my mother's emotional state (had nothing to do with me) and there was nothing I could do to fix it. It was a living nightmare. I related the personal story because my mother had no idea that I was so happy to escape the environment she'd created. She just knew that I needed to transfer universities to finish my degree. That's all she needed to know.

I don't know what's going on here with you and your daughter, but she's free now. She may not be equipped to be free, but apparently she desires her freedom more than she desires the security that home with you will offer.

Maybe you are the ideal parent and she simply wants freedom to have an intimate relationship with some boy. She needs to be educated on birth control and STD's. If you do this, do it non-judgmentally or it won't be heard. Maybe she's on drugs and she wants freedom to do that. I hope not but it's possible. If she has no income, she must have gone somewhere that doesn't require money of her yet - so I'm guessing she's staying with a friend or some guy. However - maybe there are deeper reasons going back many years. Maybe there's an atmosphere of tension in the home if you and your husband have problems. I don't know. The bottom line - she apparently wanted out pretty badly and she has that right.
You are not going to influence her positively or twist her arm into coming back. Now that she's free, she will resent attempts to control her.

If you love her, the way to help her the most is to respect her right to be on her own, while giving her plenty of information and advice on how to get by, how to stay safe, how to know which guys are bad news, how to manage money, the benefits of going to college, how to finance it, how to put together a resume, and how to eat cheap. Help her put together a basic budget, and give her advice on places to work and the types of jobs that she could do. Give her advice on the types of short term training that she could get in a vocational school so that she could do better later, or help her find scholarships, grants, or apply for student loans. If she won't go to school, emphasize that she's an adult and will need to pay her way fully, and that you will give her guidance in this aspect as well, but not cold hard cash.

You will earn more love and trust back from her this way than if you beg and plead for her to move back into her childhood bedroom. If you choose stronger methods of getting her back, you will push her away. If you are supportive and loving, she may come back on her own if she knows that she has nothing to lose and much to gain.

good luck.
Kevin

Answer 11

You know, I know someone going through this...my friend just moved into with her dad (7 miles away from her mom) and broke her moms heart...I know my friend and I know her mom very well. I am sorry to tell you this, but I am not really sure if there is anything you can tell her. She really needs to learn this sort of lesson the hard way...I am sorry to say it, but your daughter is not going to realize how bad she needs you until you are all she has. Good luck with your situation.