I need advice about my relationship -- provide your insight, please!?

Question

First, a bit of history. My girlfriend and I have known each other for just about five years now but we've only been dating for about four months. We've already said those three scary words (and meant them), and just as importantly, we still really like one another. At least from my end.

So what is my problem? Well, in four months, we haven't progressed at all past kissing. I'm not a pushy guy by any means, and I don't really care about the physical much. But by kissing, I don't mean of the French variety. I mean pecking, and I'm the one that has to initiate that. I'm not sure that she's actually kissed me of her own accord yet. We hold hands and occasionally she'll sidle up beside me... but things just aren't moving.

It's just continued for so long now that I'm scared to rock the boat. I don't know that she wants it since she hasn't given me anything herself, and I'm equally scared to just come out and ask. I'm a wimp, I know.

But I love her. What do you think?

I'm also a little curious if anybody else has been in a relatively long term relationship without doing even (what feels like) the basics of physicality. I feel abnormal --besides wimpy and head-over-heels -- but I don't know if I am.

Thank you!

Here's a little more information: We're both sixteen. I'm in college, she's a junior in high school. It's a little silly, I know.

Anyway, she has had some issues in the past with men in her life. Nothing abusive or even remotely sexual, but neglectful. She has problems trusting and takes a lot onto herself, including blame when things go badly. Among her circle of friends, she's the one that they go to for advice, but she refuses to (as she puts it) burden others with her own problems.

Communication is obviously the answer here -- I knew that in writing this -- but I'm a little lost as to how to really start. There are times that we get close, or are really open with a specific area, and then it seems to fade. Perhaps I should really take advantage the next time this happens.

And to the person suggesting I train her to appreciate my affection... thanks, but no thanks. She does. And I hers.

Oh, and to be clear, this isn't about sex. I just want a healthy relationship.

Answer 1

Been There, Done That, more than once.

Believe me, I understand your feelings.

You didn't mention your age. If you are still in high school, don't sweat it. Just take cold showers and try to think about other things.

If you are a bit older, i.e. college age, maybe you should consider trying to escalate things a bit.

I'm not saying you should be groping or pressing for sex, that would be ungentlemanly. However, I don't think it would be going too far out of bounds to try getting the kissing a bit warmer. Though it is unlikely in this day and age, it is possible that she is just waiting to let you take the lead.

Next kiss, try a bit of tongue. She might surprise you with her enthusiasm. Or she might pitch a fit. At least it will get things out in the open and you can discuss your desire to make your relationship a bit more physical. What happens then depends on the discussion.

You sound like a well-mannered young gentleman, and I don't think you need to be instructed in gentlemanly behavior. In fact, I compliment you on your attitude and restraint. Keep up the good behavior.

Good Luck.

Doc

Answer 2

You aren't a wimp, you respect her and don't want to hurt her. Now, the question is how well do you know her? Do you know her dirty little secret, what turns her on in bed? Perhaps she has this fantasy about playing really hard to get. If that is just not her, then perhaps she is really shy. Has she had sex before? Has she been raped or abused as a child? How much do you really know about her past history? Perhaps she slept with a guy who said he loved her, and then dumped her as soon as he got it. for a shy person, that can be the kiss of death for a guy who really means it. Is it impossible to overcome that, no, but, it does make it harder.
Continue to be honest and open wth her. I would sit her down and ask her what she wants from your relationship with her. Does she want to change it? Is there a hang up? Is she afraid that if she sleeps with you that she will lose the friendship and the love? Some women are scared to death of finding real love b/c it hurts a lot more if it doesn't work out (of course this is true of men too).
but, it does sound if you should sit down and let her do the talking and let her move at a pace she wants. Without knowing more about her, I'd be very very cautious b/c she could have been abused as a child and you don't want to hurt her. So, be open, caring, and honest, and willing to listen to whatever she says.
good luck.

Answer 3

I'm sure you'll get the same answer from everybody - learn to communicate your feelings. It's the most manly thing to do and lack of it has ruined more marriages and relationships than anything else.

The other thing is that most women will not initiate at all. They are used to being chased and the object of attention. Most women also lack the skills to flirt well. So, scary or not - you are going to have to make the moves.
Take your time, go slow and relax.

I guess you could use some psychology. Ask her to get you a coke or coffee - reasonable things. Little things over time and she'll learn (like a good dog) that your appreciation is something to be valued and that she wants to do more for you.

Good luck, pal.

Answer 4

Here is what I did.

Background: Friends for 30+ years

Took her to a fall festival last October.

Kissed her like I meant it. Left her shocked

Came home and cooked her a gourmet dinner

Told her that if she wanted more in the relationship she would have to make the next move.

She has been home a couple of dozen times sense then for 1 night at a time.

Last night was one of those nights

Couldn't sleep, Missed her.

You must communicate your feelings and your needs clearly, and if all else fails, USE WORDS!

Answer 5

Some people just don’t require the emotional stimulation some of us require to be happy. You neglected to mention your age, which is a factor, but for the most part if you intend a long-term relationship with her you must have a heart to heart talk to ease your worries. Find out her point of view and go from there.

Answer 6

Run like crazy. I knew my husband for 5 years before we got married and he turned out to be one of the biggest creeps in the world. If you don't know what she wants by now, something's wrong. You ought to be scared. The relationship is already doomed. Find someone else.

Answer 7

lol, wow. i had a relashionship just like that once. it was really awkward sometimes, because i would want to do something besides pecking like you said, but i didnt know how to tell him. and i really wasnt used to it, cuz its usually the guys who want to.

anyways, just talk to her, simply say "id like to try french kissing" or something, just to get the ball rolling you know? im sure affter you guys start getting a little more physical, she will open up to try new things.. but if you really like her that much, dont push her, just "suggest" things you would like..

there is no harm in asking :)
have fun

Answer 8

talk to her about it, tell her you want to show her more affection but you want to know how she feels about it. if she doesn't want that, then let it go for a couple months and if things haven't progressed then talk to her about it again. i would say after six months with only a peck on the cheek, either she is afraid, or she doesn't want people to think impure of her.

Answer 9

Go ahead and rock the boat and talk to her about your feelings and thoughts. The only way you will truly come closer is to be open, honest and communicate.

Answer 10

if you know each other for 5 years, then you should be able to]
talk to her about anything, time to find out what she want , if
she truly want to be in the relationship as a couple or as
just friends.