My fiance and I got engaged in June. Before that we had dated for over 4 years. Things were really great until about three weeks ago. All of a sudden it is like he has become a different person. he's mean and doesn't seem to care or want to talk to me. For the next 8 months I live long-distance so talking on the phone is kind of important.
Before all of this he was one of the nicest guys you could ever meet. I don't understand what has changed in the last few weeks that has made him do such a dramatic change. Is he getting cold feet? Should I be worried?
I try to talk to him and he just gets defensive and even meanier. Any suggestions or advice is greatly appreciated!
2007-09-06 15:33:57 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Weddings
I have been going to school two hours away for the last threee years and only have 8 months left- thats what the seperation is for and ts noting new.
2007-09-06 15:52:11 · update #1
Ask yourself why these changes are taking place. Is it possible that something is stressing him out. Maybe work, school, family obligations, money, etc.
Examine what might be wrong before calling off the engagement.
2007-09-06 15:44:24 · answer #1 · answered by Answer Girl 2007 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
The purpose of an engagement is to take a good long look at the relationship and determine if this is really the person that you want to commit for the rest or your life. This is why all advisers recommend a long engagement. He is probably scared about the coming separation, not the marriage. I would advise you ride this through. Give yourselves a chance to adjust to the separation. Don't panic now. You love each other enough to become engaged so you should work at the relationship. The separation may make the bond stronger. You will have to work on communication skills and that will help you all your life together. If the worst comes about, there is no shame in breaking the engagement. That's what they are for. Good luck.
2007-09-06 22:48:06 · answer #2 · answered by old beatnik 6 · 2⤊ 0⤋
He's mean, defensive, and not talking to you. I.e. he's become verbally abusive and passive aggressive. This is COMPLETELY UNACCEPTABLE. If he has a problem with something, he needs to communicate with you in a diplomatic way. Sudden onset or not, this should be a dealbreaker. You can't have this in a husband.
In addition, he is doing what relationship psychologist John Gottman calls the "four horseman of the Apocalypse": criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and withdrawal. Sorry to break the bad news, but this means your relationship is in serious trouble and without counseling is either likely to end, or has ended without him bothering to inform you.
I don't care how long he's managed to be on good behavior, but he is what he is now, and this is completely unacceptable, and should be a dealbreaker. I think if you need counseling *before* the marriage, the relationship is not worth fixing. I would walk, and leave yourself available for someone who loves, adores and talks to you, and is not mean, defensive, nor passive-aggressive.
P.S. Some of the other posters are trying to get into this guy's head: maybe he doesn't like the separation, maybe he thinks this or that. Doesn't matter! The man has become verbally and emotionally abusive and does not express himself in an acceptable mature manner. Sure he was on his best behavior when he was happy, but his behavior has deteriorated into a dealbreaker--no matter what his grievance is.
2007-09-06 23:46:18 · answer #3 · answered by Ms. X 6 · 2⤊ 0⤋
That is kind of strange. Maybe he is feeling that you are going to school to make it seem like you are bettering yourself but when you actually get married, he feels you might turn into a stay at home wife instead. And he would have to support you. Or it could be because once you graduate you will have a higher degree and make more money than he does and he isn't comfortable with that. Or just the fact he feels worried that you would be gone for 8 months and probably get second doubts about marrying him and he doesn't really know what to say or do about you leaving. Even if its hard to do I would tell him to snap out of his mood and that you are going to sit down like adults and talk about what is going on. Because as that other poster said there, do not get married to a man that would get all kinds of mad at you for trying to better yourself. Heck he could be just showing his real side of being jealous of your success as I mentioned above. But if its not one of the things that I have mentioned I say figure it out before you go away. Because I swear if you start worrying about him back home, your grades will falter alot and you might drop out of school instead of finishing. So no need to worry about him cheating or something back home. Talk to him now and make him tell you what is going on. That is the only way you will know what is going on. Good Luck.
2007-09-06 23:01:11 · answer #4 · answered by Cursed_Romantic 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well something new has come into the mix.You need toput a hold on any wedding plans until you get to the bottom of this. You say you have been together for 4 years? How did this engagement come about? If there was any sort of pressure he might be resenting it now. It could be nerves or it could be something else. My bet is it is something, or someone, else.
2007-09-07 01:44:05 · answer #5 · answered by CindyLu 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
i know you wont do this but go to the bookstore and buy a book called 'love tactics' it deals with what to do when a lover goes cold and how to save it. or go on amazon, i am sure it is there.
i know you wont do this either but starting right this minute go silent. you heard me. just disappear off the radar. if you have pointed out that he is mean and distant then he knows this is an issue for you. dont see call email text ectectect, do this for 3 weeks. when he calls let the machine piick up. be not around. be gone. after 3 weeks he should be frantically trying to find you. when you finally pick up the phone say, oh, hi, breezily as if nothing on earth is wrong. this is why; he is !! feeling a little hemmed in, and your complaints are making him a little crazy. so i know you wont, but do what i say, both things, and you can save this.
dont talk to him, you!! are chasing after him, see that? you!! are doing all the work, i bet you are the one who comes home to see him after 2 hours of driving, right? dont come home, dont do anything. let it sit. i know you wont do this, but i hope you do.
2007-09-06 23:00:00 · answer #6 · answered by jaded 6 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Well, unfortunately, I know 2 people with 2 completely different relationships. When they were dating things were great, and immediately after they wed things went spiriling downward. They said it seemed like they married a different person. Be wise in your decision making. Good luck.
2007-09-07 07:55:53 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I don't know what's going on either, but DO NOT get married until the two of you sort this out.
He could be going through personal issues, or health problems, or second thoughts, or a whole bunch of other possibilities. Either way, this is a problem the two of you need to sort out togehter, as a couple.
2007-09-06 22:41:57 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 4⤊ 0⤋
Obviously he resents that you are going somewhere for 8 months. Unless you are in the military is this separation really necessary? Have you really talked with him about it? I think you need to. You can't leave things like this. They won't get better during time apart.
2007-09-06 22:40:06 · answer #9 · answered by Luv2Answer 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think it's the long distance thing that has gotten in the way. You haven't been in the same city long enough to properly date....
2007-09-07 06:45:03 · answer #10 · answered by Lydia 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋