I am an adult daughter of an alcohlic. Lately I have been feeling tremendous guilt about not speaking to my mother. I have put up with years of verbal abuse when she is drunk, when she is sober she is the nicest person in the world. It's been a long time coming I finally told her I was done w/ all the drama in my life, after repeatedly trying to get her to seek help. I have tried to find a ACA meeting in my area but have had no luck. My question is has anyone gone through a similar experiance w/ a parent and if you felt guilt how did you cope? (I think the guilt I'm mostly feeling is for my daughter if that makes sense, we don't really have family on either side. I feel pain for her that she doesn't have any grandmothers.)
Thanks in advance for anyone who respondes, I appreciate it.
2007-09-06 14:52:32 · 9 answers · asked by Leigh Lee 5 in Family & Relationships ➔ Family
Tough love sucks. You feel guilt no matter what. Yes, anyone who has truly gone through this understands it from their children's eyes. My husband recently had to tell my father that it was absolutely out of the question to drink and drive with my kids in his car. Simple things that you assume are implied. My father isn't speaking to us now, and I do feel bad for the kids, but your job is to be a mother to your kids, not to your mother. It is the hardest thing in the world to give up on someone that you love, but you have to let her go. Al-anon is your best bet. You would be surprised how many of us have similar life experiences. Here is their website
http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/
Good luck and stay strong. And never do to your kids what has been done to you
2007-09-06 15:11:17 · answer #1 · answered by momof4boys 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I, too, am an adult child of alcoholism. You are doing the right thing by seeking help for yourself. There are very definite behavior patterns with Adult Children, and they are not particularly helpful.
Even if you don't go to ACoA, most counsellers deal with plenty of Adult Children and can help you. And there are lots of self help books that can get you on the right path.
In my case, I wasn't the target of my parent's anger so I didn't end up hating him or wanting him out of my life so I can't offer any advice on that part. He was pretty much doomed, having come from an alcoholic parent himself.
One thing that HAS happened is that my siblings and I have, each in our own ways, made sure that the alcoholic patterns do not get past our generation. I have no children and neither does one of my siblings. My other sibling has one child but has adopted a lifestyle that is so opposite of alcoholism that this child will never be affecte by the patterns.
Good luck to you. You're on the right path.
2007-09-06 15:07:33 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
It's too bad that you can't find an AlAnon group to attend. My Mom is an ACA and that group has helped her tremendously. You shouldn't feel guilty. You're doing the right thing. If she continues drinking then you will get the same results over and over again. Your daughter would be subjected to that abuse too if you continued a relationship. I know it stinks that you don't have much family but your mom isn't capable of having a good relationship with you anyway. It must be so hard to accept what your mom is but it really sounds like you're doing the right thing! And again, maybe you should keep trying to find an AlAnon group to go to. If you even find an AA group, go there, and they could tell you where to go for support. Good Luck!
2007-09-06 15:07:05 · answer #3 · answered by Carrie 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I think that you have done the right thing. Even if your daughter doesn't have family on either side, at least she won't be growing up around someone that is an alcoholic. As for getting along with your mother...
The only thing you can do is wait it out. She won't get helped if she doesn't do it for herself. And if she never does then it's not your fault. She'll just have to live her life without her family and that's punishment enough.
2007-09-06 15:06:04 · answer #4 · answered by mmorales00 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
It's unfortunate that your daughter is missing out but you must not feel guilty about not talking to your mother. Obviously pleading with her to get help has not worked.....she has to realize herself that she has a problem...that's the first step to recovery.
Stand firm in your decision. If you can't find a meeting in your area for relatives of alcoholics - try google to see if there is a chat room where you can speak to others in the same boat as you.
In the long run, it's your Mom who is missing out. I pray she'll realize soon that her daughter and granddaughter are more important than alcohol. God Bless.
2007-09-06 15:03:22 · answer #5 · answered by NewGrandma 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Carrie I think it's really sweet of you to try & get your Mom some help but it'll only help if she wants help. I just went thru the same thing with a dear friend but I decided to just leave them alone period. Your case is different, friends come & friends go but Mom's are different. The only thing I can think of is to tell Mom you & the Grandbaby would love to see her but only on the condition that she has not been drinking. Stand your ground perhaps she may stop or at least slow down. Ask her does she remember her first drink & what's more important, You & her Grandchild or the booze ?. My prayers are with you.
2007-09-06 15:16:35 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Hello, sorry to read that you are feeling this way, but I was in your mothers shoes. I did things that I didn't remember and my son, who is grown would tell me about ti the next day. I got tired of living like that with the hangovers and getting drunk everyday, the smell but the way i felt ever time I got drunk. I did something about it. Your m other has to have love in her heart to do the same for you and your daughter. I have 2 beautiful grand children and I decided that i want to live to see them graduate college. Sit your mother down and tell her, from your heart that you love her, and so does your daughter. Tell her exactly how you feel, cry slobber but be real about it. Tell her and mean that you would help her go through this only if she is willing to help herself. She has to want the help. Be strong for her when and if she decides to do this. I know it's hard to deal with this and it's not going to be until she hears your cries and do it loudly. what ever you do, don't give up. Assure your mother that GOD will not have drunkards in his kindom and that's real. I wouldn't dare tell you to give up, and i hoping that your mother won't either. Stand in her corner, be on her team because she needs you and your daughter needs and I'm almost certain want her grandmothers love. I'll keep you in my prayers even though i don't know your name, but GOD will know whom I referring to. Don't give up.
2007-09-06 15:13:48 · answer #7 · answered by manlisten 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Both parents in my family were alcoholics and it was the hardest thing i have ever went through. You can't help a alcoholic, thy have to help them self. I left for good and never went back. I no how you feel about your daughter not having a grandma to look up to. To bad that your mom can't see that. It will be her loss. Be strong for your daughter she will need you. patches.
2007-09-06 15:16:51 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
dont feel guilty, number one, hun, you did Nothing wrong
i understand your need for a "drama free life", i've been there... my mother drank away my childhood, and only sobered up when she was in the hospital for 6 months after an accident...
you just try and find an Al- Anon group, there or some friends to talk to, you'll be fine without her...
2007-09-06 15:00:55 · answer #9 · answered by bronzebabekentucky 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋