Moms, Dads, can I have your honest opinion about an 18 yr old's fight for freedom? Am I being unreasonable?

Question

Hi guys. My daughter just turned 18 on Sept. 1st.

Since then, she's been...

1. ditching school any time she wants, claiming that "I'm 18, I can call myself off if I want"... she hasn't even done that... she just doesn't show up sometimes. She's already over her truency limit. (and school JUST started) And she doesn't believe that if there's a truency problem, the parents get in big trouble for it.

2. just walking out the door without telling us where she's going. Or coming home any time she wants to. And not answering the cell phone we just got her when I call, sometimes.

3. Last week, she claimed that her stomache hurt too much to go to school. So I called her off (reluctantly). And with that, I told her that if she isn't going to school that day, she has to stay home and not go out with her friends or have anyone over. (that's ALWAYS been my rule). But she left anyway, later on.

4. claims that I'm acting like a 2 year old when I remind her of the rules.

Yeah- she's working a little, but refuses to pay any kind of rent.

So far, I've taken away the computer because of her mouth. I am very tempted to kick her out- just needed some other people's opinions about it.

NEW UPDATE-

We called her home so that we can discuss things with her calmly. At least, it started out that way. Instead she wanted to argue and resort to name calling and accusations. As of 10:30 tonight, she's staying at her friend's house with two bags of clothes. Not sure how long she'll be gone, since her friend's house apparently has no rules (and yes- she and her friend have been doing drugs) but I know that sooner or later, she'll realise that she acted the wrong way, whether she comes back or not.

Thank you, everyone for the advice. First time having an 18 yr old for me, so it was greatly appreciated.

Answer 1

No. You're being totally reasonable. She's your daughter, not a boarder. HOWEVER, if she wants to have total disregard for your rules, she has to pay rent like any boarder would. (And buy her own food, pay her own phone bill, etc.)

So, offer her this choice: she can either follow your rules and have some respect for you. OR she can get a job, pay rent and live like someone who just rents a room would. (Meaning, you don't do her laundry or clean her messes, - she does, and she can't ask you for a dime - but she can come and go as she sees fit.)

Edit:
If she "refuses" to pay rent, you "refuse" to treat her as the adult she seems to think she is. OR, you throw her *ss out. Sometimes tough love is the only thing that works.

Answer 2

Sounds like you could just kick her out since she doesn't want to follow the rules of YOUR house.

She doesn't pay rent still, and is still in school. If she doesn't obey the rules and she's of age then there is nothing binding you legally to keep her at home. Send her out on her own for a night or two. She'll come back begging to follow the rules or she'll get knocked up by some guy that gives her a place to stay, but either way she will learn a lesson.

**Just a fact to clarify, the only reason truency is considered a problem is because the schools get money each day she attends school. If she doesn't come then the school does not recieve the money alotted to her. They are cracking down on the parents because obviously they should be making sure the kids go to school, but mostly so they can get their money. The administraition could give a crap if she shows up and does nothing because they still get their money.
Isn't it great a system that rewards showing up with money, not actually learning****

Answer 3

You are not being unreasonable. Your daughter is. She is 18, which legally makes her an adult, but she is forgetting two things: (1) she is showing the maturity of a very young child; and (2) she still lives in your house, so must obey your rules.
Adults can call themselves off their commitments whenever they want, but thay also understand that if they are supposed to be somewhere, then they should be there unless they have a good reason. They understand that their acts have consequences for themselves and the people around them. They have the common courtesy to let people they live with know where they are and when they are coming home. They understand that life has rules. Only very young children think that being adult means you get to do whatever you want without consequences.
Tell her that if she feels she doesn't need to follow your or her school's rules, then she can live under her own roof and set her own rules. She can get a job and see how it benefits her to call off whenever she wants, or just not show up. Your little girl needs a big dose of reality.

Answer 4

My son turned 18 in March of 2006 and by June he moved out. I have three other children that live at home and he just seemed to completely forget that it was my house and my rules. I finally (after alot of the same issues you discussed) gave him a choice he was to follow my rules or find another place to live. If he wanted to act like an adult he could take responsibility like an adult. Well he actually decided to move in with some friends. I do not regret my decision at all. He is now once again respectful when he comes over. He has found a job and is going to college. I couldn't hope for more.

I wish I could tell you there is an easy way out but there is not. It hurt me to tell him to go if he couldn't follow the rules, but I do believe it may have been one of the best choices I have ever made.

Answer 5

You aren't being unreasonable about any of it.

I'm not sure how to handle her but she is living in your house, eating your food, probably mooching money & quite probably driving your car. Time to lay down the law ....school or a job. Job means paying rent for the privilege of living in your home (you put the "rent" money in an account & it's her first & last months on an apartment when there's enough). Cut her cell phone off. She doesn't deserve it and obviously can't pay for it. Phone the school and find out what to do regarding the truency problem. They might be able to help you out with that even by referring you to an agency that helps with troubled teens.

If she doesn't like your rules...tell her to find somewhere else to live. Sh'ell likely go off to a friends and find out that there are rules in that house too & they might be even worse than yours !!

Answer 6

I am not a parent, but I am a pretty reasonable 22 year old. I went through the same thing as soon as I turned 18 and my parents said that I could either a) Follow their rules or b) have my stuff packed in a week and get out. I chose "b" and moved in with a couple up the road. Well when I found out how hard the real world was i came back. That took about 8 days. So you have to use tough love in my opinion with this situation. It'll work.

Answer 7

Hey 2 year old--- how about growing up and give her the freedom she wants...She is so damn smart why don't you let her feed her self... they call this tough love... Get a suit case and when she comes home tell her that she is an adult and she should be treated like an adult... Fill her suit case with clothes and show her the door.... If she is driving your car-- get the keys and the key to the house... Tell her if she does not leave you will call the police...
She has taken advantage of you long enough... Remember now she is not to come back---let her live with her good friends... She hates you now so what is the difference...Take her off the car insurance -- not to drive the car... If it is her car and she is on your policy--take her off the insurance-- she is a big girl now and can pay her own way...

Answer 8

You are going to have to show that girl some tough love. I think it's pretty obvious to you at this point that nagging isn't going to work. If you keep going on the way you are, she is just going to end up in a pretty serious situation.

If you haven't already, now is the time to cut her off completely. No money, no cell phone, no car / insurance payments, no nothing. If you pay her bills, this is the time to stop.

If she doesn't go to school, she is going to fail and will not graduate. I'm sure that's not what she wants...to watch all of her friends go off and graduate and leave her behind.

If she doesn't have a job, now would be the time for her to get one. If she wants money at all, she's going to have to honestly work for it. It sounds to me like she needs to learn some responsibility.

Since she is so happy to remind you that she's 18, perhaps it is time for you to remind her. She's an adult now, which means she is now responsible for her own bills--even if that means rent, food, etc., too.

Trust me, within a few weeks of this, she'll be wishing she was 2 years old.

Answer 9

She's 18, so you are off the hook as far as her truancy. But that is just the start of the problem. I've always believed in the tough love approach. Difficult as it would be, if my teen daughter (yes, I have one) consistently refused to follow the rules of the house, she would have to move out of the house. I would never let her take over my house like yours is trying to do. I would give her a choice of following the rules of my house or moving into her own. I would set a move-out date, maybe give her a month or so to get a job and a place. I wouldn't be nasty, but would maintain an adult relationship with her. When she moved, I would call her to chat, visit with her in the same way that I do with my mother. I would let her discover for herself that she isn't ready to be on her own.

Yours clearly feels that she is mature enough to go it alone, so what would happen if you let her go?

Answer 10

Sorry to say it but this is where the tough love has to begin. She can either grow up and take responsibility of her life and finish school or throw it all away. My son went through the same thing and I often wondered if I'd make it through it. I once told him he should move out while he still knew it all and conquer the world but as long as he lived with me he would show me respect and live by the rules of the house. If I wasn't staying out all night, then neither was he. I explained I would not push rules onto him that I wouldn't expect to have of myself if I lived with someone else. It took time but eventually I got through. He is almost 20 now and I wouldn't trade him for the world. Hang in there and good luck.