Can you all tell me I am wrong?

Question

I am totally annoyed by my husband 13 year old daugther. He is the best husband, he iis so nice to my 4 year old daugther pays for her gym and for her private school. I feel so bad because I am pregnant with his son. The 13year old girl is adopted. I just don't like her for many reasons one of them being that she is rude and spoiled rude and bossy with him. I am never rude to her and talk to her whenever she is not being rude but I honestly I can't stand her. She is this ugly fat thing that all she does is trying to separate me from her father. Please understand me I know I sounded mean but I am the nicest I could be with a girl like her I know she is only 13 years old but she looks so big she doesn't look 13 that is for sure more like 19 , or 20. I am 26 years old and I am very young for her father. I need you all to tell me how to act . Why can I just like her!

my husband and his ex adopted her from a filipino woman and she claims she is hawaian and she so embarrased of us me and her fatherfor being mexican. I dont' understand what all this hawaian thing comes from the ex of my husband is filipino too. anyways!

Answer 1

ok,I had a stepdaughter that was a spoiled brat!!!!!!!!but it is hard to tell a daddy that his little girl is that way.Have you talked to him about it?

Answer 2

You admit to this coming across mean (which it does) and claim to be very nice (but this doesn't set a very good example). I have a few points/pointers to make:

1. Her being adopted isn't the problem, even though it means there are other things you may have to consider.
2. While her health is important, I didn't see the need to bring up that she is overweight.
3. Or ugly for that matter.
4. She is your step-daughter now. Unfortunately, nice isn't your job - respectful step-MOTHER is. It involves talking to your husband as well, but she needs limits and you need to stick to them - whether she is being nice or rude. Research shows this is the case whether she'll admit to it or not. You're only 13 years her elder - she needs proof that you have what it takes to be the mother. [I have a nephew only 11 years my younger and we're almost the same size as well, but there is a clear distinction between who the adult is and who the child is. I show him respect as a young individual and he fulfills the expectation of respecting me as his adult aunt - and we're still able to play tag and fight in the pool.]
5. This brings back up the last point, but try to look at things from her perspective:
Her new mom is only 13 years older than her - she doesn't know if you can be a mom, you likely seem like close competition (even more so than usual daughter/step-mom rivalry) because you're close enough in age, and you're not the mother who gave birth to her or chose to adopt her. You show up with the idea that she is ugly and fat (which irregardless whether you've said that around her or not, she's probably picked up on it simply from your views of other people and the way you take care of yourself) which is another knock against the idea that you could possibly care for her. Depending on the situation of his previous marriage and your marriage to him, she could also be upset at you as 'the cause for the divorce' (I put in quotes because it's really a choice the people in the marriage make) or be feeling threatened - if she could take him from Mom can she take him from me too (which is even more difficult in her case considering she could be going through an identity crisis having been adopted and thinking about why she's not with her birth mother - it's the right age).

Not to sound rude, but I'm not completely sure (by the way you handled yourself here) if either of you are mature enough for this situation yet. But you're here - and since you're the adult you'll have to step up to the plate first. I'm not saying be mean, but be a mother first. (You agreed to take on the responsibility of mother of teenager when you decided to marry him.) Talk to your husband - and LISTEN to him too - and develop a family plan together. It should include all 3 children and both of you, even if some emphasis has to placed on the particular situation with your 13-yr old step-daughter (remember, this is what she is - not your "husband 13 year old daugther"). It might help too to have her talking with a counselor every now and then. It can help her adjust to her new family life and any potential feelings she's experiencing related to her being adopted. (I went through about 2 months with a therapist when I was younger about a year after my parents' divorce. Then I didn't need it anymore; I had the skills necessary to move forward without a third-party.)
And it doesn't sound like there is a right or wrong I should be describing you as - but lose the teenage additude and approach this like a young woman. Even though you didn't share it here, I trust that there is that side of you.

Answer 3

Your 13 year old daughter is adopted? I don't understand the problem. Why don't you like your adopted daughter? Children need love and paitence. Is she a problme child? IF she's rude and defiant, she needs to be disiplined some how, even if it's by spanking. Be loving and strict. That's how you should act! A war is never won by giving up, with out a surrender from the other side. YOu don't say how old your husband is,
but some how I doubt, you're too young forhim- if you were, he wouldn't have married or loved you.
You're expecting, and you think it will be a baby boy. He might like that.

Answer 4

I would suggest getting into some family therapy. If you think things are difficult now, things are only going to get worse after your baby is born. Sounds like this girl is very threatened by your relationship with her dad, and the new baby may become a target for her anger and aggression. It's difficult with teens who are hurting, they can become so obnoxious that they push everyone away, but that is when they need help the most. Again, I would suggest family therapy as soon as possible, but keep in mind, things oftentimes get a bit worse before they get better, so don't give up on the therapy. It's a long process, but a skilled Marriage Family Therapist can help your family understand each other better, and help you help yourselves.

Answer 5

Sometimes personalities just clash and thats no ones fault. However as you said she is only a young girl dispite how she looks or acts and she is probably a hurt and confused young girl. 13 ia a difficult age for anyone but exspecially if you are 13, over weight , awkward looking and losing your dad to a new young wife which is how she probably feels. I would talk to your husband about the girls rudeness and expressing to her respect and manners in regards to him. As for the rest all you can do is try to be nice to her and as understanding as possible I am sure she is feeling very insecure and hopefully will grow out of it in time. Good luck and be patient

Answer 6

well you ar enever going to like everyone--to me it doesn't sound so much like you don't like her but are almost at war with her both of you are fighting for his affection and attention, she thinks you are imposing on her perfect life with her dad and not only does she have to share him with you but a little sister and a baby on the way, it sounds like she is acting out after all she has never had to deal with this type of situation before. Give it time really, find something that you can use as a common ground, even if she acts like she hates you too keep trying after all even though you are only 26 you are the parent and demand respect from her not only as the step mom but as an adult, if your husband questions you you need to tell him that you do not expect her to call you mom or be your best frined but you do and will expect and demand respect from her becasue she is a child! If you think she is over weight maybe you can use that get her involved with swimming or soccer or SOMETHING, if she is more the artsy type see if she would like to go to a play or an art gallery or something like that like I said find a common ground and work from there you might never really love or even liek her but you will ahve a common bond and a mutual understand, you will be able to cut each other off at the pass with no blood shed!

Answer 7

That kid has a loooooot of stuff going on for her. She is getting into her adolescent phase, problem enough to start with, with all those raging hormones and trying to fight for her place in the worldly scheme of things. She is adopted, so she couldn't even call anybody her "mommy" from the gitgo, and then the woman she had come to think of as Mom, disappears from her life and in comes a young stranger who takes over the main spot in the life of her Dad.

I can feel for you, but hey, you knew what you were taking on when you got with this man and married him. Your "contract" said "for better for worse", so, baby, this is the worse part.. I am not going to t ell his troubled young gal how to behave, but I am going to tell YOU to get your act together and stop with the "poor me" attitude. You thought you were adult enough to take on this "existing family" by marrying the man. Now prove it by dealing with the difficulties that you knew you'd have to confront. This child is probably even dealing with the emotional difficulties of having a sibling that is "yours and his", so she feels like a total outsider. Your dislike of her is fuelling her resentment, not handling it, and she is picking up on that resentment.

TALK to your husband, for crying out loud. Spill your guts to him. TELL him about this problem and have a conference about it and work out a game plan. He has to participate in this situation too, and I only hope he will be willing to do so, because if not, you guys don't stand a chance.

Answer 8

I totally feel for you. Its really hard to love someone elses child when they are unpleasant to be around. She will probably make your life miserable until she leaves home. Just ignore her when she's being ugly and rude. If she is being pleasant at any time respond to her in a friendly way - she may respond to positive reinforcement. Speak to your husband and let him know exactly how you feel about how she treats you - without mentioning that you don't like her or anything about her weight. Its gonna be hard. Good luck.

Answer 9

Ok we get it your jealouse of the adoptive daughter,
DEAL WITH IT.
She is his daughter if you love him you have to love her too.
BE LOVING TO HER AND SHE WILL CHANGE. IT WILL TAKE TIME BUT SHE WILL CHANGE OR MOVE OUT WHEN OLDER ONE WAY OR THE OTHER YOU WILL WIN.

Sit them both down and Tell him and her at the same time so there is no miss understanding what you see.
After that LET THEM FIGURE OUT WHAT TO DO.

Now you can act like a child and create a HELL FOR EVERYONE TO LIVE IN or be an adult and GROW UP.

Answer 10

I can relate. My husbands 12 yr old daughter is just difficult. She ignores anything she doesn't want to deal with and gets mad if she gets into trouble. She is awful to our 2 year old, to the point that I won't let her babysit for him because I don't trust her. I have a stepson that is great. He is two years older than she is and is just a wonderful kid. He is helpful and loves to hang out and tell us about his day. I have two kids from a previous marriage, who are 15 and 12. Everyone gets along really well except for his daughter. I have tried alot of things but nothing works with her. She refuses anything I buy her to the point that at Christmas she was told that her father did all the shopping so she would use the stuff he bought her.
I don't like her either and I have heard from everyone that I need to try harder. How awful it is that I don't like her and I need to be nice to her. I often tell people that after they have lived with her for four years they can talk to me about how to deal with her. I believe that at 12 or 13 they are responsible for their behavior and they are getting exactly what they want from their relationships. She has been in counseling for years and has told the therapist that she has no intention of getting along with me. She hates me. The therapist said she needs to get past her anger before she can have a relationship with me. Well, it's been four years and she hasn't changed a bit.

I try to just ignore her behavior and let her father deal with her.
Her behavior has hurt the whole family but she is the only one that can change it.

I would suggest that you and your husband go to marital counseling. Even if you have a great relationship in every other way, his daughter can be a thorn in your side for a very long time. It is helpful to have an unbias person to put things into perspective for both of you if you tend to fight about her.
It helped us alot, my husband sees that she is just trying to be a pain and doesn't get offened about the way I deal with her anymore.

Good luck to you and congrats on the baby. Our son is such a blessing and helped pull all of us (except her) together and the rest of the kids really feel like we are a family, which is great.

Answer 11

I think it's the age difference and deeper jealousy issues. Your not old enough to be her mom at only half her age, so it's probably more difficult for you to be a role model to her instead of competition. She wouldn't respect you or listen anyway because you are more the age of a sister than a stepmother. Good luck.