we are family.... right? what would you do?

Question

my husbands sister has 3 kids, all boys, and they are constantly breaking things and have not been taught how to clean up after themselves (the twins are 6 the baby is 3). They cause my stress level to double as soon as they visit. The kids are WILD, literally, jumping and screaming, and spilling stuff left and right. I do not have children of my own, but I have been around little ones my entire life, and I have NEVER ever dealt with kids who are this bad. And my sister-in-law is oblivious to the kids, she lets them do whatever they want (like play in her car, and the 3 year old even put it in reverse one time, but thats a WHOLE other story).
The trouble is, because I do not have kids, everybody assumes that I can babysit them. My father in law has volunteered my to babysit on numerous occasions. How can I tell them that her kids are wild and that I do not want to babysit them anymore? And that her kids stress me out? Because I'm the aunt does that mean I have to babysit?

for passion2share:
Just to clarify, I'm not a stay at home wife, I have a job, as well, I don't really see myself as a door mat, either.

Answer 1

First of all, You do NOT have to babysit.
Your father in law shouldn't be volunteering. Next time he does that, I would tell him that it is NOT his place to volunteer anyone except himself.
On to the children, it seems as though they have no consideration for anything, and have had little discipline. You should tell your sister in law point blank:
"Your children are too much of a handful for me to watch. They destroy property, and they are unruly. They are out of control. It is NOT my place to be a sitter for you. I cannot and do not want to babysit them for you. I find it completely too stressful."
If she says that your father in law told her you would sit for her. I would explain to her that just because he said it doesn't make it fact.
Maybe just an honest answer like that is what is called for. She apparently doesn't want responsibility of the children, if she is letting them play in cars or jump and scream.
I would limit my time with that portion of your family.
I would kindly explain to everyone that you do not have children for a reason...And those three boys are one of the contributing reasons.
I think if you've tried to be kind and considerate with them, and they don't take a hint (Can they hear over the children screaming?)
Just be blunt.
Just say exactly what is on your mind, and don't try to sugar coat it.
If being outright blunt isn't your style, when she shows up at your front door trying to dump off her spawn, just look at her in the eye and say "No." And close the door.
Ask your husband to be your support system. Tell him to speak to his father and tell him anytime he volunteers you to watch the kids, you will send them to him.
I bet that would change the tide.

Answer 2

I don't like to babysit my relatives' children for all these reasons - and more.

First of all, no one - not your FIL, not your husband - no one - has a right to "volunteer" you to do anything you against your wishes - short of a true, life/death emergency, of course.

That said, Level with your husband about his nephews and their awful behavior and how it upsets you that people think you're always available - which you aren't - family not withstanding.

This can go a number of ways of course - so if Husband insists on watching the children - kid-proof your house as best you can, lock doors, drawers and put breakables high up. Then, when the kids arrive - you leave - and leave him with them to take care of them. I bet it won't be long before he talks to sis.

You can also - with husband's support - draw up some ground rules about places where the kids can go, how they can behave, what and when they eat etc. This is your house and your rules. Explain the rules in front of Sis so she understands that should they break them 3 times, you will call her and tell her it's time to come get the children. It doesn't matter if she's in an important meeting - or in the middle of making love to her husband. Come get the children now. Immediately. If Sis complains, tell her she should pay a real babysitter instead of expecting you to be her unpaid nanny.

Answer 3

You are absolutely correct, you don't have to babysit and shouldn't feel bad about not wanting to do it, so long as you and your husband are self sufficient. Meaning your father in law doesn't support you or provide you with housing and stuff. I could see being a part of the family and helping out if the children behave, and on a rare occasion, but not on a regular basis. I would sit down and discuss with the family the issues of the disrespectful behavior and that if it doesn't stop the children are not welcome in your home. Of course have this discussion with your husband first so you both can support each other with the family conversation. Explain to your husband you don't want "our" home destroyed and the hard things your husband works for to provide for you both damaged on a regular basis because the kids are not disciplined. If they are going to be in your home then they need to be obedient children or they are not welcome. When you have this discussion with the family or parent of the children explain to them if they work on correcting their children's behaviors and you come up with a plan of action for when the kids are running a muck if you all follow through with the behavioral plan everyone will be happy. Also you and your husband need to agree that you are not a built in babysitter and have goals for yourself. Take up a hobby or some classes and build a life for yourself. Of course be optimistic things will work out for the best but if you don't have a back up plan and things don't work out or your life is miserable then what? Your only skills are being a wife and a doormat for kids. Sorry if that sounds harsh but it's the truth. Find something you would enjoy doing for a career or something and do it. Even fun things like art, massage, yoga classes, or a sport, or just furthering your education and obtain a degree in something you would be good at and have fun doing should one day you need to work. This will not only make you unavailable to babysit but feel good about yourself, your marriage, and strengthen your relationship.

Well I hope this helps, let me know what you decide to do and if you need any support or guidance you know how to reach me. Take care and enjoy your life!

Answer 4

If you don't see yourself as a doormat then maybe that's the image you need to present to your family. It sounds like you're being voluntold to sit, not getting to volunteer. Until you let them know that you're not available (at least not every time) nothing is going to change.

Usually with the in-laws it's a good idea to get DH on the same page. If you think this will cause a lot of problems within the family you might want to talk to him first and make sure he knows how you're feeling about this and that he'll stand by you against his family. But we're talking about your time here so you have the right to say no even if he's not on board.

You've got a lot of suggestions for how to say no or to let DH do it if he's the one volunteering you. All you need to do is say you're not available to sit at that time when you're told or asked to do it. You don't have to give a reason if you don't want to. If you feel you have to give a reason use anything. If you can't lie on the spur of the moment prearrange a "date" with a girlfriend that you can call up at any moment and "have" to get to.

Answer 5

Do like I did. I was married to a Muslim man and he had his three youngest kids living with us. He did not believe me whenever I told him how the kids acted all day long. So one day when I had my cell phone I video everything they did and said and showed it to him when he got home and from that day on the kids started respecting me and started acting better. Video them acting out and show it to there mother and see what happens. And no you don't have to babysit because you are the aunt.

Answer 6

You can make convenient excuses each time they ask you to babysit...or tell them the truth...well a niced down version.

say " I will not be able to babysit your children because I feel they are too much for me to handle."

It will probably make people upset, but you married the son to be his wife, not so his family could have a babysitter.

You do not have to babysit...put your foot down.

I was free babysitter for years...finally I said enough is enough. Yeah they didn't talk to me for a while, but I enjoyed the peace and quiet.

Answer 7

About 1/2 an hour before the kids are to be returned to their mother LOAD them up on Skittles, M&M's, Mounten Dew.
Worked for us.

Answer 8

At the very least, ask your husband to intervene with his family for you.

Next, sit down with your sister-in-law and tell her that you simply can't deal with her boys. You love them, but don't have the mothering experience to deal with them, so you won't be able to babysit in the near future.

Answer 9

If I were you - I'd watch them one more time. Set your rules!! Tell the kids what they are & what the punishment is before hand - have them repeat the rules & the punishments back to you so that there is NO misunderstandings. IF - they go home crying that Auntie was mean, yadda yadda yadda, state to their partents - MY HOUSE, MY RULES! Either you will gain respect or they won't be back!

Answer 10

develop a drinking habit. nobody wants to send their kids over to the family lush.