How can I stop my mother from criticising my parenting skills without offending her?

Question

Whenever I tell my 6 year old not to do something my mother overrides me. She makes me really beg her if I need a babysitter so I try not to ask unless absolutely necessary. My Son isn't eating in school and she has told him to throw his food away and pretend he's eating. When she does babysit she feeds him on crisps and sweets and nothing else. I have told my Son that he is not allowed outside to play unless he eats some of his lunch in school and she says that I am wrong to do this. Has she crossed the line this time?

Answer 1

u need to remind her shes the grandparent and ur the parent. that its ur child ur rules and she has to respect it just like her mother had to do.

Answer 2

OK first find yourself another babysitter, maybe another parent from school might be able to help if you offer the same in return. Once you have got this in place go and talk to your mother, tell her that you appreciate her input but you are your son's mother and as such what you say goes and you would appreciate it if she could back you up when dealing with your son and that this includes following house rules such as,

No crisps or sweets unless he has eaten his dinner/tea.

If after the talk she takes it badly then at least you have a babysitter in place, once she realises she isn't getting to see her grandson she may very well come round to your way of thinking, be strong.

As for school you could go in and talk to the dinner ladies about it and tell them that he has been throwing his lunch away and about the rule you have given him, don't even mention your mother, tell them that you are worried about this and ask if someone can keep an eye on him. Have you also found out why he isn't eating at school?

Good luck.

Answer 3

First...you are his parent. Not your Mother. She already had her turn with you. I am SO glad you are a lot more responsible too!
Away from your son, talk to your Mother. Tell her you love her and are so glad she is in your sons life. Tell her you realize a grandparent has so much experience to share and that you know she loves to spoil him...HOWEVER, you learned how to be a good parent through her (cough, cough) and she can NOT undermine or thwart your efforts to do what is best for him.
You DO need to know exactly what he's eating for lunch. Maybe he's in his "air plant stage" and just doesn't want to eat at that time OR maybe there's an underlying problem at the lunch table. Either way, his half eaten lunch is a way for you to have a conversation about it or know his snack needs to be veggie sticks or an apple since he didn't eat the proper amount for the day. This is done with love and his best interest. Let her know his healthy eating habits are an important issue for you as so many children are obese.

Personally, I wouldn't take play time away from him I would just have him make up the nutrition throughout the day at snacks, dinner or even breakfast the next day. He just may not be hungry simple as that. Different growth stages make that common. Talk to his pediatrician about that.

The saying is "Mother knows best," not "Grandmother knows best."

Best of luck to you. Mothers can be frustrating. I'm glad you're trying to find a peaceful response and save her feelings, but be firm as well as kind.

Answer 4

You must get over to your Mum that this is your kid and you decide whats right and wrong for him, no matter what she thinks. You could try saying 'I'll maybe try it your way sometime' or something along those lines. But by the looks of things you are going to have to find a some way to tell her to butt out before your kid gets so mixed up about what's right and wrong, that the poor thing starts hiding from both of you! Can you imagine how confused your son is now, then translate that feeling into him when he's 14 or so? Good luck, you're gonna need it.

Answer 5

This needs putting a stop to - YOU are the boss it is YOUR child.
This is s situation that could just grumble on like a sore tooth or it could escalate badly
How to go about it?
Maybe something along the lines of:
Mum, you have your ideas of how to raise a child and I have mine. At the moment, when you contradict me, I feel you are undermining me and it will not be long before he realises he can ignore me and go to you every time I try and get him to do things he does not like, like go to bed on time, or doing his homework.
The point is it is confusing him having two people telling him the opposite things, so since I am the one who looks after him, I am the one he should be listening to. I am sorry but I have to insist on this, because I am the one who is responsable for bringing him up, not you.

Explain what you want from her 'I need you to help me encourage him to eat healthily.' Compromise - what about a comic, or some suggestions for healthy treats, or one unhalthy treat he gets after eating a helathy meal?

If she argues, be firm, explain that this is non-negotiable. Ask her how she would have felt if her mother-in-law had interfered with how she raised her kids? What message does she think it sends to the little boy when she tells him he can ignore what you say?

If she continues to ignore you, you may have to spell it out to her that she is not welcome if she can't stop interfering. Tell her you love her, but this can't go on.

The stakes are high. You can't afford to be fuzzy on this because while the disagreement over school lunches is not a big deal in itself, the pattern of behaviour it may create in him could cause you major headaches later on as he learns to manipulate the relationship in his favout and then the power will move from you and your mother to your son.

I work on a parenting helpline and this sort of undermining can cause huge problems once a child reaches teens and is a common problem. Parents and grandparents need to be on the same page where discipline is concerned.

Answer 6

Oh yes, you are mom Though she is allowed to spoil (Grans can do that) you are in charge.
Tell her she either plays by your rules or she will not see her grandchild alone anymore. Only when supervised by you.
As for the overriding tell her I am mom you have ahd your chance as you can see you did an awful job (she didn't but make it sound like she did You know what I mean A little sarcasm can't hurt) and I am not letting you ruin another child

Answer 7

you will have to offend her.
She sounds like my mother was 30 years ago when I had my first; she criticised everything; said I was spoiling my baby by holding her in my arms; told me to "let her cry". Told me I was cuddling my sons too much and making "mollies" out of them.

At that, I saw red.

I took a big breath and said; "Mam, they are my kids, and they all need love and cuddles. Your way is not my way, and I don't want you to say things like that to me."

Wow. the roof fell in. She stormed out, and wouldn't speak to me for almost four months!

Have you no other babysitter?
Why not? You must look for someone else you can call on; don't cut her out completely. Your wishes with regard to how your son is looked after should be respected, and she is not doing that. I know Grannies like to spoil their grandkids, but this is not spoiling...it's deliberate undermining of your parenting.

Answer 8

Hi suzi, I'm afraid the only option is to never need her as a sitter, it just seems to much hassle. She is breaking all rules (not only yours) in regards to how we should bring up children and in doing this she has taken her rights to be with the child without you, if even when she is with you and continues to undermine your authority then the privileged of her having a R/Ship with her g/son must also be removed.

Answer 9

I think she crossed the line a while ago. Instead of helping she's making the situation worse. Your son will learn to play you off one another. You have to speak up or it will only get worse. If she won't listen to you, you should limit contact

Answer 10

Tell her that you get you mothering skills from her see what she says about that. You also need to tell her that she is spoiling your kid and all kids need a little bit of spoiling from their grandparents but not so much that it gets in the way of your parenting. You might have to hurt her feelings. It might come down to her feeling or your kid's well being and like any other good mother your going to have to choose your kid. Your mother will get over it.

Answer 11

you need to sit down with your mum and explain to her that you dont approve of how she is interfearing with your parenting. she has no right to tell your little boy not to eat or that he can go out and play when you have said he can't unless he eats his lunch. she is not the mum and needs to except that. its understandable if you are worried of upsetting her but you have to take a stand. making you beg when you need a babysitter is also very selfish of her. her behavior seems selfish and you need to take a stand soon while your son is young otherwise when he is older and you tell him to do something he may come back at you and say "gran says i dont have to" like i said you need to sit your mum down and tell her this.