Tried to overdose as a child, why does this bother me still?

Question

I had an unconventional childhood, being the oldest of 4 my parents would argue like crazy then i'd be the one trying to reason with them, listening to their crap.We never had a stable home, we were on the streets at one point and lived in a tent for 6 months.Eventually we went on the run but the police caught us & took us into care.My mum has a mental illness, she burnt her wedding dress in the garden,would scream and smash things,rock back n forth sobbing & my dad would get me to try to talk her round.I could go on and on with even more shocking things but it hurts to talk about.When i was about 10 or 11 i took an overdose of my mums pills, the first day i think i took vitamins & nothing happened so the next day i took 23 different pills & i collapsed, i was supposed to see a physciatrist at the hospital but my dad said they'd get the blame so he took me before i could speak to anyone. I always felt it was my fault that we werent normal & i still feel the pain. Before i had a baby i

Turned to drink which blocked it out, i want to be the best mum for my girl & hubby but i feel stuck in this rut in my mind.I put on a front so no one can be upset by me.
Is there anyway to get away from this misery to block it out forever? I no longer see my parents as they caused me too much stress during pregnancy but i still feel their presence bringing me down.I just want to be normal.
Im sorry to sound so depressive, any advice is much appreciated thanks.

For the first 2 braindead answers, its not a sob story, its sad that some people are jealous that they have no story to tell.Go and do a jigsaw puzzle.

Im sorry i have more life experience than you.

Answer 1

Maria,

I see from your avatar you are a mommy and proud to be one.

Already - you have started changing your family culture, and you should be proud of that!!

Your upbringing was surely..."unconventional."

But I believe that you can use all that pain to make your life better than folks who lived an easy and unchallenged life.

Do you read books ever?

If so, I recommend an AWESOME book called "A Child Called It," by David Pelzer.

Everyone I know who read it loved it - even my (then) 12 year old daughter.

This book discusses the life of a boy (true story - an autobiography) who was tortured and humiliated by his parents - but more importantly - how he overcame this strife to have a life which blesses other people mightily.

You see, Maria, often the BEST people to help us grow are those with the same problem.

Hence, in AA - recovering alcoholics help drinkers more than those who never drank.

Let David Pelzer teach you what to do - he has done what you want to do - to recreate his life in a positive and functional manner.

Oh, and Maria...one thing I KNOW that needs to happen for you to get better?

You need to forgive your parents.

Even if they are no longer alive or do not live near you.

Forgive my being bold - but I suggest getting on your knees - and inviting God into your life.

Then ask Him to remove all these problems (the Bible says "you have not, because you ask not.")

Then ask Him to help you forgive your parents.

When we forgive, we forego grieving. The power of release is amazing!!

Then start a journal which honestly looks at what your "problems are" and what you are going to do about them.

Sometimes, all you can do is pray - but God can heal what we never can!!

You CAN do this, kiddo.

Be brave, be bold, and keep being the best you can for your beloved husband and daughter.

Oh...and forgive yourself too :))

You are doing MUCH better than mom - that is a success!!

Now - go build on that success to be the BEST you can be (never perfect...but better :))

Answer 2

I come from a family that preferred to ignore mental illness than have it treated---because admitting it would require that the adults accept responsibility, which was perceived as blame. And they were bound and determined to avoid blame, at any cost! So I can empathize with you.

It's natural that your childhood--including the suicidal gesture that amounted to a loud cry for help that no one heeded---is haunting you. A good therapist might be able to help you put the past into perspective so that you can live an unpolluted present and have a more fulfilling future.

However, it's also important to be aware of your own vulnerability to mental illness. This is not to say that it's a foregone conclusion that you will experience illness to the degree that your parents did. But you may have a predisposition for certain mental illnesses. The good news is that you want to have a healthy, happy life--and that there are many, many tools in any psychiatrist's arsenal to help you do so.

Answer 3

Gosh, you have gone through a lot. You need people to talk to and understand your story. Children who are abused normally do end up believing it is their fault and it takes a lot to shake this off in adult hood. Your Dad deprived you of help when you were small, but you can get some now. Firstly, you are an OK person and what happened when you were little was not your fault. Keep this in your head. You deserve a good life and deserve some help. Can you get to the Doctor and find a counsellor. If not can you go private if you have the money or contact a means-tested counselling service?

Answer 4

Your childhood is not your fault. It is your parents. Children in this situation often cry out for help. Some choose to try and overdose and some get into drugs and alcohol. I congratulate you for turning your life around and wanting to have a stable life for your child. Stop beating yourself up over what happened when you were a child. Start living your life right now. You cannot change the past but you can make the best of the future. Today is a new day.

Answer 5

Well you are a bright and small woman and a good mother, I already know that. You have memories from a difficult and painful childhood that you fear are going to come out and effect your own family. I think you should, if you can afford it go talk to a therapist about your issues. They might put you on a mild anti depressant since you are a little depressed but after a number of sessions I think you will find out that the problem wasn't you but the situation and your parents. You have a beautiful little girl as are you, get some help as soon as you can. Take care.

Answer 6

when something carries over to adulthood from childhood is almost certain that you still have some unresolved issues. Either concious or sub-concious.Take a look at and assess the situation. What is it that still bothers you the most? Are there things that interrupt your sleep? Pay close attention to dreams. They are the unwritten answer to most of life's problems. Perhaps keep a dream diary. Also a journal of your daily thoughts, activities, and emotions. Look for reoccurring patterns of highs and lows.

Also, having a child of your own may enhance your fears. perhaps you feel frightened of your child having to experience the same as you. Be open with your children and let them know it is okay for them to be open with you. Assure yourself and them you would never harm them in the way you were harmed.
Dealing with childhood trauma can take a lifetime to adjust to, but there are coping skills in order for you to live a happy life and working through these issues piece by piece will give you that inner peace we all are searching for. Stay strong. I know it may seem like it at times, but you are not alone!

Answer 7

its not your fault that you still think about that
and blame yourself
its an issue you have had to grow up with and think about everyday
im sure you wonder what if things were different
what if you would have done something differently
well frankly you were the best daughter you could have been and now you have a daughter you have to be the best mom to

you are going to keep thinking about these things unless you get someone to talk to
i really suggest seeing a doctor
and consider medication

my mother is bipolar
and i have always had inner turmoil
and i was also diagnosed bipolar

alot of psycological problems are heretitary
and the stress and depression you still feel about things that happened in your past might be linked to a disorder

you might not want to addmit you have a problem
but you want to me a good parent to your child
you don't want her to feel the pressure you felt as a child dealing with a mother with problems
so do whats best not just for you
but for your family
because they love you
and don't want to see you with any inner issues

hope i could have helped you even in the slightest

Answer 8

I think it's because you still can't get over how a child (you) had to go through that - a child is meant to have a nice/secure/safe childhood (even though there are many who don't/didn't).

I have realised that no matter how bad we think are parents are, they only act the way they do with the knowledge and understanding they have at the time - if they knew more they would act and think differently.
Your parents were once scared little children too.

We have to take responsibility for ourselves though and we will only stay victims if we choose too.

Answer 9

Please don't listen to any of the people giving you negative responses... I am sorry to hear about your childhood, it sounds rough and like a lot to handle. Studying psychology has really made me realize how much a person's childhood can effect their adulthood... if they let it. The fact that you wrote this and are looking for help shows me you are ready to let the past go and move on. It will be hard, and I think you know that, but you really need to focus on what you have going on now. Try seeking help from a counselor, psychologist, psychiatrist, whatever is in your means. Until then live for NOW & forget the hurt that you endured in your past.

Best of luck to you.

Answer 10

Definitely ignore the stupid answers some people just dont understand. I'm sorry life has treated you so roughly, the important thing is finding a way to accept what happened and move forward with your life, and have the good, happy life you deserve. Have you spoken to your doctor? They can refer you to a counsellor who should be able to help you. I dont know what to say really other than I'm sorry you've had such a hard time and if you ever want to chat feel free to email me. I hope you find a way forward, best of luck x