Is this a normal adolescent tantrum? Is being knowledgable my curse?

Question

I'm the tech geek in my family. When we get some new harware, i spend all my time learning all its features. That puts me in a bit of a dillema...
My dad knows enough about tech to get by... but my mum knows nothing. So whenever she wants something done, she makes me do it... wherever i am, whatever i may be doing. She screams her head off to get me to start a DVD for her (or something of the sort which would be simple if you just read the user manual). This has been going on for 2-3 years now.
At the start i politely told her to read the manual, but she never did (for ANY appliance). then i said i would teach her, but either she doent want to learn, or she forgets (and she has a good memory).

I had to log her on to her email for 3 years before she learnt how to. So you get the gist of my tantrum. and she doent care if im talking to a friend or anything, i MUST do it. she never asks my dad either, and he knows how to as well.

(cont'd)

You might say she is my mother, i should respect her 'needs' and deal with it.
OK

But my grandmother moved in and shes doing the SAME thing!
and shes WORSE. she doesnt care if im in the shower... she'll scream her head off. And i'll come running out half naked to see if shes hurt and she tells me to change the goddam channel!!!???.

I feel no obligation towards my granny (my mom is my mom, but my granny is an old ***** who is self centered).
Should i bear with this until I (or she) moves out?

Also, my lil bro likes tech. so when i move out he'll probably be in the hell im living in.

Any idea how to deal with it, calmly and politely... cuz i'm at my limit.


PS: i'm 14 years old. long time left with my parents...

thanks

Shame

Can someone answer about my granny problem as well, thats whats getting to me the most really.

Yeah i know. the screaming is what gets to me really...
I love peace and quiet. i dont like being disturbed but i dont usually mind. but i HATE it when someone is too lazy to get up and ask you, but prefer to exert the same amount of energy screaming from the other end of the house.

^^thats the main reason i feel resentment.

and another thing, my lil bro isnt as polite as me (with parents... at least in front of them). he'll say what he feels like, even if its downright rude.

and as my mom is probably going to be making him do what i do now (when im gone), whats going to happen to him.
he can be blunt and insulting, and my parents (naturally) dont take to that.

As for my granny: she's 80 years old.

I cant bear to think that its my fault someone is in pain (if they dont deserve it).
I accept that she'll die someday. but i dont want anyone to die. and when youre in the shower or behind closed doors you cant hear whats being said, all you can hear is someone screaming.

I just want to know how to tell her to stop screaming at insignificant things...

One idea of mine was to have small walkie talkies. that way we could talk without shouting. but no one liked it and kept losing or forgetting to take their WT with them. i clean out of ideas.

thanks to all the answerers.

youve all proved good points.

another thing:

my family basically accepted that shouting s th way to communicate.

when i (and my dad, he doesnt like it either) talked to my mom and other family mambers about it. she said i was trying to change her, and that she didnt like it.

that was her way of ending a conversation she didnt want to have. (at least with me... idk what happened with my dad.

Answer 1

well - like anything, it takes two for change. if she can't take 5 minutes of her time learning how to do something to save you and herself trouble then that's pretty bad. i see not fault in what you did, man. just don't worry. and if you get up the courage to - explain everything you're going through just as you did here.

either she accepts or rejects it.

good luck, bud.

Answer 2

My brother's the tech geek in my family and he gets that too. Not as much since he lives on his own, but he does get called by his stepmum or sister to set up the vcr or fix the computer enough times it's annoying.

But being screamed at is more than annoying. Part of me thinks they (in their own weird way) just want to know you care. On the other hand...

Why not delegate some of these `requests' to your dad if he knows enough to get by? Can you sit down with them and very firmly say `I don't mind helping out sometimes, but screaming at me and interrupting me when I'm in the shower for example, isn't good. It doesn't make me feel good or want to help. I don't want to be screamed at.'

And if you're feeling bold, tell them if they start screaming at you next time, you're not going reply unless they ask nicely. After all, it's not asking a lot to be treated nicely. Continue to be respectful. Finish up by offering to show them how to do it themselves. If they say you're the brains, and it's easier for them, a little flattery wouldn't go amiss. `Where do you think I get my brains from?' Say it would be better if they learned so they aren't as dependent on you. It may not work the first time. You may have to repeat yourself quite a bit, but don't worry if it doesn't, or if it does, but they fall back into old patterns. It sounds awful, but sometimes older folk are like puppies in training: good behaviour patterns need to be reinforced.

And if you can, get you brother in on it so he doesn't get stuck with it too.

Answer 3

I'm sorry but your post made me laugh out loud. I don't scream my head off but I cannot learn to do certain things and my daughters, age 24, are my tech people. However I look at it like this. For the first few years of their lives I did everything for them. I would have to wait until my husband got home from work to take a shower. I could not do anything, even go to the bathroom in private. When they needed to be feed, I did so, when they needed to be changed, I did so, when they needed to be put to bed only to get up 4hours later to be fed again, I did so. I played with them, bathed and dressed them, nurtured them and loved them. Every minute of my day for those first years was theirs. As a male, its doubtful that you will ever understand what that is like, you get so that you don't even want to be touched. Every go into a store and have some kid yell "mom"? Every female head(of a certain age) in the place will turn towards it to figure out if they are the "mom" required. You never ever lose that, even when the "kid" is grown and on their own.

My guess is that your mother did the same. You have no idea (and shouldn't, you are only 14)what that is like. In two years you will be driving, and working your way through school and then college. Its alittle different with a guy, but generally most mothers go through a living hell of doing the right thing by pushing you out of the nest while living in terror that something will happen to you.

I know its frustrating for you, and no one should be screamed at. That is not fair. Telling your mom to read the instruction book is disrespectful, and isn't going to happen. I'll tell what did work for us, and maybe this will help you alittle. I had my daughters write out the steps to things on a paper I keep with the equiptment. So I have the steps to reboot my computer, even with passwords. I have the steps to use the DVD and the cable. I gave up on the microwave.

I would sit down with your mom and first of all tell her that you are happy you can help her because of all the things you know she did for you when you couldn't help yourself. Then tell her that you are going to make it alittle easier for her and write up instruction cards(and make them simple) and maybe laminate them, and she will then have basic instructions for the things she likes to do. When you have told her this, tell her that you want to help her but when she yells at you it makes you feel sad like she doesn't like you enough to just ask.

As far as your grandmother goes, you are going to have to stop jumping to her whip. This is a simple case of redirect. If you are in the shower, finish your shower. If she's screaming at you, simply(and politely)tell her you didn't hear anything over the shower. Unless this woman is over 70 there is no reason why she can't learn to change the channel, so show her and next time she screams for you, ignore her. When she's done screaming, simply walk in and ask "grandma, did you need somethng?" Then show her again, but say(again politely), "oh I thought you understood when I showed you before, I'm sorry. Would you like me to make out an instruction card like I have for mom? Let me show you again." And then make sure you are teaching, not showing.

You sound like a nice kid, and I would love to tell you that your mom will stop this, but you will be 30 and she will be asking for your help. But if you react correctly and without resentment, she will do more of this on her own and she will continue to be proud of her smart accomplished son who she loves with all her heart.

Answer 4

Oh I know this is a pain but Moms are worth the inconveniences. It sounds as if she has no self confidence in matters of technology. It would probably help if you said to her, "Mom you are so intelligent that I cannot believe you can't do this. Moms are teachers and you were my first teacher so it's a pleasure to teach you something. I really have confidence in you to perform these simple tasks for yourself. Afterall, you can always call me with your questions."

Answer 5

Your Mom doesn't want to let go, chum! If you're available, she's going to use your technical abilities.

I recommend that you quit trying "teach" her how to do stuff & be thankful that you can help her out. When it's time for you to move out, she'll be okay.

Answer 6

thats a mothers quirks
she dealth with your quirks for so many years she just wants to capitalise on her investment : )

tak to your father tho and tell him its dirupting your life
and you both need to actively help her

not confront
each time she asks one of you explains how to do it slowly
eventually she will do it herself
rather than listen to you all talk about it LOL

and no thats not really normal behaviour
but a HABIT to rely on you
which is nice
but if she doesnt apprecaite that fact ie screams and demands you stop and do it
then thats a destructive habit

wP

Answer 7

She used to stop whatever she was doing to give you attention when you were little, so I guess she figures that fair is fair. Just do it. You won't be living home forever, and she will have to learn to do it for herself.

Answer 8

respect your parents, do whatever they ask