Is this part of bipolar disorder or is he just a jerk? How do I cope?

Question

My husband, who takes medication typically given to people with bipolar disorder (depakote + an antidepressant), did things tonight that are fairly typical of him and leave me feeling really distant from him and wondering if my kids should be away from this man.

First, I mentioned things we needed from a store. He said, "Let's go in a few minutes." He rarely wants to go anywhere, so this was a surprise. He was playing a computer game and we'd just finished dinner. Our oldest son didn't like the dinner - it was a dish I know he doesn't like, but the rest of us do. So, while I was doing dishes, I was cooking hamburgers for our son.

My husband quit his game suddenly and said, "Let's go." I said - I'm cleaning the kitchen, I'll be done soon.

He replied - Why Don't you just admit you don't want me to go to the store with you?

I said, "I wasn't expecting to go right away, I need to clean the kitchen."

Then, our oldest came in and sat down.

My husband said - "Where's ____ [our oldest]?" Our youngest said, "He's in the kitchen." Husband said, "Well, your mother said she wouldn't make people a separate supper if they didn't eat the meal she prepared, so you can't trust either of them."

Silence from the rest of us.

While husband was playing the computer game, he was cursing and complaining that the the game was not treating him fairly (online game) and that his weapons weren't working. Youngest son tried to explain how it might work better, how the server affects things. Then, when the game ended, husband had come in 4th place. Son said, "See, you did pretty good, you beat lots of people." Husband said, "Why don't you make up your mind? First you say I suck, now you say I did well."

Normally, I would try to tell him not to talk to the kids like this, but a marriage counselor said I've got to stop this, because he yells, I yell, and the kids are upset.

But, I can't stand this atmosphere for my kids.

If we divorced, I can't imagine them being alone with him, during his visitation, which I'm sure, since he's a successful person outwardly, the courts would certainly give him. Also, we homeschool, which the kids love, and if we divorced, that would end, and they'd see little of me as I worked to support us.

So, I don't really see leaving or staying as good options.

These comments to the kids are typical, not as bad as some occasions.

Are they part of bipolar?
If I'm not supposed to ask him not to talk this way - as it just provokes him and makes him say much worse things, even in front of the kids - what am I supposed to do?

One day, we were walking and he hurt himself. I should have inquired about his pain, but he let loose in pubic with such a string of obscenities, that I first said, "Did you take your medicine today?" He started screaming really loudly then. I said, "This upsets the kids, please talk quietly." He said, "No, I want them to know what a ***** you are."

Of course, he's screaming that! He said everyone needs to know how awful I am. Especially the kids.

Sob...

We've been married for 24 years. Yes, after years of this, after years of soothing, cooing, reassuring, I am exhausted, and I do feel distant, because I can't take all of this what feels like abuse to me.

I'm not concerned that the meds are doing this.
He's much better with the meds, actually. But, he's on meds and doing this.

As re: homeschooling - despite the stereotypes, my kids spend lots of time with other kids. They very much value and enjoy that time, and they probably have more opportunities to hang and talk than kids who go to school. (We unschool, no structured lessons.)

Peaches - ever since learning about it 20 years ago, I have felt he has borderline personality disorder.

Answer 1

i would leave him in a second the kids will start acting like him

Answer 2

My husband has ADD so I experience very similar evenings. Here's what I do. If my husband is willing to go, I go. Those opportunities don't come around very often. I rationalize with myself: my dishes don't hug me when I say "I need a hug." I keep it simple. My older two children are old enough to be left at home with the dish duty.

Find solutions/compromises that will bring meaning into the marriage. How would he have felt if you just dropped what you were doing and said "o.k. Let's go!"? I know my husband would feel extremely valued because he also knows what clean dishes mean to me.

Of course, ADD is not bipolar. I do know bipolar as well. My mom was diagnosed when I was 8 years old. It definitely is an ugly disease that never goes away. Today, I am mostly sorry that she's not had the opportunity to live a happy, healthy life. She takes her meds when she feels like it which unfortunately is extremely rare. My kids rarely see her or speak with her.

Answer 3

You may be able to get help through a battered women's shelter or program. He does not have to physically abuse you to be a battered women. The shelter or program can also give you advice on how to leave him safely. As far as bipolar goes ,no I believe he may also have a borderline personality disorder (read about it), which medication will not change. Nevertheless, it really does not matter the cause of his behavior, what matters is how it makes you and your kids feel. You can tell the kids, he loves us but he is sick and we don't have to live with him anymore, we can still love him, but we don't have to live this way anymore. It will take support that's why I recommend the battered women's group. He sounds like the typical profile of a batterer. I think that one day the batterer type mentality will be considered a mental illness; however, it does not matter why he is like that, what matters is what you CAN do to make a difference in YOUR life and of course your kids lives, too. Be Strong and BE CAREFUL!

Answer 4

Your kids should all be getting counseling now, as well.

Also, I'm sure you don't want to hear this, but given your husband's behavior, I can't see home-schooling as a good option for them. Learning how to socially interact with the 99% of the population that goes to public school is probably a good idea since they could become inhibited socially due to the combination of homeschooling and your husband's behavior. The friends they get to see every day could help them deal with his selfishness and petty comments.

Finally, whatever you decide to do in the future, start documenting all his outbursts and negative remarks and encourage your kids to start keeping journals. Obviously, you don't want to tell them to document their Dad's bad behavior, but just have them keep journals and let them write what they will. It's very important that neither you nor your husband read their journals. Of course, it's also important that you don't let him or the kids know you are keeping track of all his crappy behavior.

Answer 5

People with bipolar disorder can be impulsive at times, but the behaviour you described doesn't seem so bad, merely a lack of consideration, and a little immaturity in his comments, when his impulses were not able to be acted upon. See bipolar disorder, at http://www.ezy-build.net.nz/~shaneris on page 10, especially the BIPOLAR SUPPORTER website. Family therapy, where everyone gets a say, may be of benefit, so see the therapist locators, and read page 1. Also, if you decide to stay, and work on your marital problems, practise daily, and when needed, one of the relaxation techniques on pages 2, 11, or 2C, and try the EFT, on page 2. Dietary modifications, and supplements may help.

Answer 6

It kinda seems like you are wasting a part of your life, the part where living is supposed to be meaningful. You have your kids, and that is why you are staying with your husband, to keep them safe... but you need to be in a better situation. How old are your kids? They may be old enough to make choices, in the courts eyes. You shouldn't have to put up with being treated like that, and your kids shouldn't have to suffer it. You should talk to a lawyer about it and see what your options would be. The court also takes into consideration of mental illnesses. Check into it. It seems like you have already made up your mind what you "want" to do, which is leave, but you feel obligated to stay.

Answer 7

Wow, sounds like you are talking about my husband. Same thing, he doesn't like going anywhere, and if we have plans, I already know the routine, he'll get mad for no reason and then say, "I'm not going". I think it's wrong, because I'm not telling him I want to go out with my friends, I want us to go out. When I can actually get him to go anywhere, (it's rare) we really do have a good time. I've told him this is the reason why people cheat on their spouses. I watch the show Cheaters and the first thing that the cheater says when they get caught is, "You never want to do anything" or "You're never home". I think it may be the meds, because my husband never acted like this when we were dating.

Answer 8

Bipolar manic high no doubt! You need to learn to deal with his illness, Find a Bipolar support system! You said "leave me feeling really distant from him and wondering if my kids should be away from this man." He said "Why Don't you just admit you don't want me to go to the store with you?" Sounds like he may have nailed you and you just do not want to admit it. While he has issues obviously lack of good communication is a key issue for both of you. Get counseling help ASAP!

Answer 9

I have a bipolar ex. Some of the things sound like hypomania, but he seems a bit paranoid. That might be a symptom of the meds.

Answer 10

I am on depakote and Klonepin. Depakote is supposed to be a mood stabilizer so I don't think it should cause outbursts. That said, it hasn't fixed my problems much either. It gives me feelings of hopelessness and just not caring about anything that I don't understand. I think what you are talking about is the disease though, not the medication.